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    • #8242
      Ayanna
      Participant

      It is all over for me. A very long time of hell AFTER fleeing domestic abuse is over. I should be fine now. But I am not. I cannot sleep. I have nightmares and I scream in my sleep. I wake the neighbours every time I sleep with my screams. I have flashbacks, lots of flashbacks. I binge eat every day. I am numb. I cannot feel any happiness or joy. I cannot feel myself. I only feel my body when I eat. I do not like company. I prefer to stay at home not talking to anybody when I am off work. I asked my GP for counselling. The NHS refuses to give me counselling. They said I have to pay it myself. But I cannot afford it. I am on constant alert, still in fear the acid attack will happen, or someone waits behind the bushes to stab me.

    • #8252
      Falling Skys
      Participant

      Big hugs Ayanna xx

      I wonder if it will ever be over their abuse, as we carry them in our heads. I’m disgusted that NHS have refused you counselling can you get a second opinion. I was assessed and they wanted to put me through for PTSD therapy but then they cancelled it as I’m still with my abuser as it wouldn’t have been safe for me.

      Though I got to work and workout I do spend most of my time on my own, I feel like I’m licking my wounds before I can go on.

      I over eat too and then I feel awful for it.

      Stay strong FS x*x

    • #8276
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Dear Ayanna

      I don’t think it gets fine immediately, and i’m really saddened to hear your suffering day and night, its the inevitable result of everything he’s done.

      All i can offer is to say make yourself feel safe in every possible way you can think of, that might be moving to a different room, or if you are upstairs in a house, moving downstairs, surrounding yourself with familiar things to hug and hang onto in the night when you feel scared to reassure yourself. keeping lights handy or tv to distract you is a favorite of mine too, and catching up on your sleep whenever you can, which might be in the middle of the day.

      i hope your neighbour is supportive of your struggles and not been complaining?

      What did your doctor say to this? I find it so hard to comprehend that you are suffering so badly but not being offered more than this. Have you tried your WA locally? phoning the helpline and asking them for support in your region?

      Its so brave of you to post your experience, and i hope you don’t feel so alone perhaps now. Sending you lots of strength and warmest wishes xxKS

    • #8290
      Confused123
      Participant

      Hey Hun

      Sending u out a hug of support, yes its weird how we get delayed reactions, i seem to be going through this at moment, i know i struggled to get counselling too when i moved,in end i called time to talk, and changing minds , think they both work together, google them up, u tell thme your scenario and they find support for u, really is worth while, i was in same boat as u couldnt afford cousnelling , am now in counselling

    • #8345
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Thank you for all your replies. I feel that my GP does not take me serious. I also asked my local WA for help. I am so traumatised from asking for help that I am actually scared to ask anymore. I began to read literature about PTSD and abuse. I hope that I find some healing when I read a lot of books. I lost trust in people and I now believe already that there is no help for me. I have to help myself somehow, most likely through reading. I have not found anything yet how to stop myself from screaming in my sleep. Sometimes my throat is sore just from screaming. My neighbours are not happy, not at all. I always look around me and I check my surrounding very carefully. I am never relaxed. Wherever I go I look out for danger. I avoid all the areas where I know he could be. I also react very scared to people who approach me fast. I prefer to spend my days off work alone at home. I do not like socializing. Sometimes I do not talk to anybody for a few days and this feels normal to me. I once was a happy outgoing girl who loved to explore the world, had lots of friends and believed in the good in people. I do not recognise myself anymore.

    • #8629
      myfairyqueen
      Participant

      Hi, have you tried your local domestic violence charity? I am all new to this myself but they offer all sorts of things!

    • #8631
      Sadandconfused
      Participant

      I know how you feel I really do.

      I have to control things so I will either eat very little or binge eat food that I don’t even enjoy or feel in my mouth. Then I have to walk miles and miles because I feel guilty and need to work off what I have eaten. My day must follow a set schedule otherwise i’m in terror of being in the wrong about something.

      He is still with me in my head and it causes irrational fears and ruins my confidence in myself. Even though others believe me I doubt every decision I make and worry so much about reprecussions. I can’t leave my doors and windows unlocked or even open. He has no idea where I am and is hours away but the fear is always there.

      I have never had any counselling there is no Women’s Aid nearby. I do have a local charity worker who comes round but to be honest it doesn’t really help. I don’t want to be negative but you aren’t alone if that helps.

    • #8674
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Today I received a letter from a doctor I have seen for my numerous health problems. He wrote to my GP in bold letters that I need counselling and they should arrange this for me. I am so moved, that there is someone who acknowledged my problem and speaks up for me. I cried when I read that letter, because I receive support so rarely.

      Sadandconfused, I am the same with locking doors and windows. I look back when I get off the bus to check whether anybody follows me.
      I wish I could eat little. I eat nice food, comfort food. That is the only way for me to experience some positive vibrations in my body. Due to my anxiety I hardly leave the house once I am at home. This means I do not walk my calories off. My self confidence has suffered immensely through the abuse and now also because of the weight gain.
      I bought a hypnosis DVD that allegeldy helps people stop binge eating. I will try it. Anything is better than gaining huge amounts of weight.

      Myfairyqueen, yes, I have tried my local charities.

    • #8710
      Falling Skys
      Participant

      Hi Ayanna

      Good news about getting some support

      FS xx

    • #8720
      Winterblues2
      Participant

      I too am only just starting to feel the emotional effects a year later. The last year I have been doing all I can to survive and constantly battling that now in this lull between court dates my emotions seem to be flooding out and I’m really starting to struggle. Thing is people can’t understand why the reaction is so delayed. Colleagues have moaned about me to my boss that I’m basically a drama queen and need to get over it. Sometimes I think we are the only people who truly understand it. Ayanna I do not know how long you’ve been put but I’ve been reassured that at least when emotions come out it means that we are dealing with it.

      I do hope they give you counselling though. Keep posting xx

    • #8732
      martian29
      Participant

      Ayanna, I am so sorry to read your post that you are struggling so badly. Thank heavens that the doctor spoke up for you in receiving counselling. I can fully understand how you are feeling, it is a normal reaction to being abused. It takes a long time to ever feel like yourself again before you met your abuser so I have been told. You have as much right as anybody to receive help and counselling so don’t feel you have to go it alone and help yourself.

      Have you spoke to your neighbour and explained your situation? They may be more tolerant if they know your story. Could you sleep in another room away from the neighbour?

      I understand fully what you are saying about people thinking that you should be fine by now. I have been years out and I am still not fully recovered. Family members, work colleagues and friends all think I should be moving on with my life and thinking about another relationship by now. He damaged me so much that I find it hard to ever trust anybody again. I find myself making excuses when invited out to social events and lie to men who ask me out saying I am already in a relationship. I only feel safe in my own company. I still have panic attacks, nightmares and have been told by my children, I sometimes shout in my sleep but they are becoming much less frequent which is an improvement. I have become O.C.D. about safety, going round checking electrical switches, taps, locks etc many times before I go to bed or go out.

      Only people who have been in an abusive relationship can understand what you are going through. This forum is excellent for getting your feelings off your chest as we all understand. I hope your counselling goes well and I hope you find peace and happiness in the future XX

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