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Hi everyone, I hope it’s a good day for you all. I’ll try to keep it brief, but I’m just so confused at the moment. I asked my husband to leave (removed by moderator) days ago. We have been married for nearly two decades now. There have been more troubled times and less troubled times. About (removed by moderator) years ago while I was cutting (removed by moderator) he wrapped my hand around the blade of the knife and squeezed and squeezed until (removed by moderator) fingers were bleeding. Since then there has been no physical violence against me, but he is very quick to anger, and gets so angry over trivial things he is unable to even speak, he grabs items and smashes them around. He is very picky, and always begins his post work day with a complaint about the contents of the fridge, my (removed by moderator) (I am on medication which causes this) .
He has always thrown food and drinks at me, or just beside me on the floor. He has told me he wants me to give my career dreams up as he doesn’t want his wife to achieve any heights. If I pick up my phone while we are watching a film he complains. He is always going on about how my line of work is (removed by moderator). I’m a manager, but he thinks it’s just a way to ‘(removed by moderator)’
He forces sex, and if I refuse he will wait until the middle of the night and deprive me of sleep until I give in. He knows I was sexually assaulted whilst asleep as a teenager and that I cannot bear to be surprised like that when I’m sleeping. If I do stand my ground and don’t give in, on a couple of occasions he has just seen to himself, next to me, in the bed.
What had finally been the last straw is his attitude towards our children. Our teenager answered him with “what” rather than “yes dad” whilst she was arguing with her sibling (normal stuff) and he ended up smashing the (removed by moderator) to the ground and saying he would (removed by moderator). He went for her and I got in the middle. I am devestated because it was a lightbulb moment and I feel so so awful for my kids.
HOWEVER he is devestated that I asked him to leave, and insists he wasn’t like that all the time and he wants to change, that our kids are too young to split, that his mum will die from the shock, that he is afraid he will do something crazy. He’s right, when he was being nice he was lovely. I just don’t know, I’m plagued with guilt for him. How do I make this decision?
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Oh Scentednightstock (great name by the way, even though I have no idea what it means!), I really feel for you. The (removed by moderator) incident aside, it is very clear it’s abuse from the start of the second paragraph. The further through I got the more sinister things sounded. Behaving in a way that triggers sexual assault trauma is a sickeningly cruel thing to do. Unfortunately I have heard about that kind of behaviour several time on this forum. Threatening to cut (removed by moderator) out is truly shocking. I am so glad you were able to protect her physically but she should never have to experience that. His behaviour at best shows zero empathy and respect for you and your children and more likely it shows that on top of the lack of empathy, he thinks his behaviour is justified.
Unfortunately it is incredibly rare for abusers to change. The good times are the positive stage of the cycle of abuse and do not mean he can change. Most likely, he can hold it together long enough to make you believe he is a good person, then lashes out when he feels like his control is wavering. Please read about abuse. Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft is an excellent book and you can find it free online.
You’re plagued with guilt for him because he has spent years convincing you that his needs are more important than yours. You have spend years focussing on how to appease him and not trigger him. You are so used to putting him first that looking after yourself feels wrong. Saying his mum will die of shock and he’ll do something crazy is just more abusive manipulation. It’s deliberately to guilt you into staying. He and his mum are not your responsibility. If he were really that worried, why has he spent years making your life miserable? Would you expect a friend to sacrifice their life and happiness (and their children’s) for somebody who is emotionally, sexually and physically abusive? The physical abuse may only have been once, but the emotional and sexual abuse creates lots of trauma. Also, what would have happened if you hadn’t got between him and your daughter?
Your lack of confidence about being right is also because abuse makes you doubt your own judgement. He needs you to be weak and confused so you don’t see what’s really going on and leave.
I know it’s not easy to come to terms with being in an abusive relationship. Please know that your feeling of guilt is not a sign that leaving is wrong, it’s a sign of how much he has manipulated you into putting his needs first. You have every right to do what’s best for you and your children and that is leaving. Sending lots of love and strength xxxx
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Hi sweetheart,
My ex did this I’d I got dressed up in any way he would throw his bowl/plate at the wall. This is physical intimidation. Him wrapping your hand (removed by moderator) this is crazy behaviour abs threatening the kids it’s a big no no for all of your mental and emotional health. Please don’t doubt your choice to ask him to leave. The fact is you might have to make him leave with the help of the authorities you canny do this yourself and don’t they will help you xx we doubt ourselves for one reason only because we get groomed into feeling like this xx kip our lovely kip told me to look up grooming it was a light bulb moment ! It’s like being in a cult we get guilt tripped and brain washed. Trust me and trust your gut you have to put yourself first xx no doubt there xx much love diymum xx -
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oh my days, hunni i am so sorry you are having to go through this.
but you ARE RIGHT!
abusers often use different tactics to make us do what they want- this stems from their need for control. if we do not react they change things up. (please see my earlier post in general ‘knowing the signs and characteristics’ this shows more types of behaviour these men use to gain control.
Also my poem ‘ how a queen reclaims her crown’ may help you feel like you are not alone 🙂
these men use our own negative thoughts and worries against us, they will make you fee like you are losing the plot, like you are going crazy, so that you wont report things, and you are stuck to stay with him.
they feed on power. if you start to doubt yourself, he wins!you have the right to have your own thoughts and feelings,
you the the right to say no,
you have the right to change your mind,
you have the right to leave,
you have the right to be happy,
dont let him tell you otherwise 🙂
stay safe my angel, -
Hello all, sorry it’s taken so long to reply. It’s so nice to hear your words of support, thank you so much. Scented nightstock is my favourite flower 😉
It’s been tough, and he has just moved himself back into the (detail removed by Moderator) of our home. The law does not allow me to throw him out, unless I bring charges of violence against him, which would be difficult to prove but carries a sentence for him where we are situated at the moment. It’s incredibly hard and I am looking in to what I can do further. I just wanted to say thank you for your kind words :*
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