I don’t feel free of him.

[Mickey]

I left my partner (detail removed by moderator) with the help and support of Women’s Aid (Who I’m am eternally grateful to). I moved into a refuge in another town where I didn’t know anyone and it was great to have that space between me and my ex although I my missed my friends and my daughter who still lives with my ex (She chose to stay). After the refuge I lived in supported housing until I got a flat back in my old town with a housing association. I’m very happy to be back and now have a job and other positive things happening in my life. I have always tried to be as civil as possible with my ex partner and it’s been going well really. Sometimes he picks up my daughter from my home and comes in for a cup of tea etc but other than that I don’t see that much of him.

But since moving back into the area. I’ve noticed that I still don’t feel free of him. I only realised this over the last few days because a male friend of mine who I’ve known for years but don’t see that much as he lives far away is coming to stay with me this weekend. He came to stay a couple of times when I was in supported housing and we had a really nice time. Nothing romantic happened and I’m not sure if I want it to. But this was when I lived a considerable distance from my ex partner so I was free to do as I liked without him knowing. But even then I felt guilt about having a man to stay and I put off seeing my friend again and always made excuses if he wanted to come and see me again. I now haven’t seen him for over a year.

But now I’m in my new flat he is coming to visit. Which I should be looking forward to as I know it’s a chance to go out and do nice things with somebody whose company I enjoy. But I’m partly dreading it because I’ve realised I’m starting to make excuses in my head about where I should say I am at the weekend as I don’t want my daughter or ex to know that I have a man staying over. My daughter often drops in at the weekend so I will have to make some excuse. I’ve been thinking of saying I’m doing overtime at work. But I don’t really want to lie and logically I know there is no reason why I should but I just know if I say I have a friend staying she will tell my ex partner as he will ask why she hasn’t seen me and I know he’ll be spiteful or weird about it in some way and I just can’t face that. I’m also worried about being seen out and about with my male friend as this isn’t the largest town in the world and I worry about bumping into my daughter and partner after I’ve lied which would be equally horrible.

So all this has been going around and around in my head and that’s when I realised that I don’t feel free of my ex. I still feel guilty. I still feel I have to lie. I don’t feel I can just meet up with other people or have them around because I’m scared of his reaction. I’m scared of his spiteful comments and phone calls or texts he would make to me. There is no way I feel I can just be honest and say “I’m not available this weekend as I’m busy.” By the way my daughter isn’t a small child and has a life of her own so it’s no biggie for her not to see me for one weekend. I see her almost every weekday too.

I realise now that I still feel monitored by him even though we live apart and he knows everything I do because he lives with my daughter and I absolutely do limit the things I do in my life simply because I’m scared of his reaction if he found out I was actually ‘living a life’. I am just scared of him and I don’t really know why.

What would other people do in this situation or does anyone else feel this way about their ex?

[Lisa]

Hi Mickey,

Welcome to the forum. I hope you find it a supportive place to be.

Even after leaving an abusive relationship it can take time to shake off any habits or guilt you developed during that time. It sounds like you have had to think about a lot of practical things such as moving away, not giving you time to stop and reflect.

You don’t have to make any excuses anymore. If you want to see your friends that’s what you can do. You deserve to be around people that make you feel good about yourself.

Best Wishes,

Lisa

[Author]

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