I don't feel like I can do this.

[Thisisme]

I left (removed by moderator) ago which meant leaving my step son too and taking my daughters step daddy away from her. I feel sick.
I went 5 days without contact but then had to contact him due to getting my stuff back. He’s been nothing but lovely since he left me in bruises.
I phoned him the other night because I had gotten drunk with my friend and freaked out and felt like I needed him. He ended up coming over the next day and he stayed over and we had sex. I still have some bruises on me that he has left. We tried to figure out a way that we could carry on our relationship without the kids or anyone else involved. I came to my senses the next day and we had a big emotional goodbye and now I feel sick, all the time. I feel so alone, I’m a singnle mum again. I don’t even know how to describe how I feel, It is horrendous. I miss him so much and I just want my family back but I know that I can’t do that to myself or my child. I don’t have many friends or a big support network. This is the 4th abusive relationship that has ended. I’m so f*****g tired of feeling this bad.

[fizzylem]

Hi Thisisme, so painful when you love someone but know you cant be with him, not because of anything you have done, but because you know that you can not have a healthy relationship with him – you know he will never change and you can do nothing about that. Yes four does seem a lot doesn’t it – you must feel completely fed up of men and trying some days, battle with feeling what is it with me? Have you done the Freedom programme? I’m wondering if it is perhaps time to invest in yourself for while from here, take pleasure and healing from looking after you and your daughter. Always harder when you have a child together as well isn’t it, as we feel we are partly responsible for breaking up the family, however, it is not your doing at all, it is her father’s behaviour that has caused the need for this. I know it’s hard to leave but the message you are sending your daughter is that violence and abuse can never be tolerated; to stay would drive a very different message. Leaving is you doing completely the right thing for the both of you. There’s no easy way forward, day by day, one step at a time, but it does and will get better. Try not to beat yourself up about seeing him, you have taken a step in the right direction now. Let calm and stillness into your life x

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