I don’t know anymore I feel like I’m going crazy

[Orchidblue]

Hello.
This is gonna be a long one so please bare with me.
We’ve been together nearly (removed by moderator) yrs got 3 kids I met him when he was (removed by moderator) he lived in a hostel after living on the streets he had a very traumatic childhood for (removed by moderator) years ( childabuse) I feel I need to tell you a bit about his history as I’m trying so hard to figure out what the hell is going on. In the beginning when we met he was amazing I fell head over heels for him he was my everything during the relationship I found him messaging other women going on dating sites looking at porn he even hooked up with someone from his (removed by moderator) and planned to go meet up with her over the years there’s been various thing regarding other women even my own sister and (removed by moderator) he played it all down saying it was just banter and just minimalized his behaviour. Throughout the relationship the arguments got worse and worse he left a few times blaming me for everything saying he did what he did cus I wasn’t giving him what he needed ie sex. All this has chipped away at me for years I tried to explain to him his behaviour with these wome cut me deeply and I felt it was a betrayal but as he saw it was not actually sleeping with them it wasn’t cheating in his mind. Things did go c****y between us for a long time afterwards I turned of where intimacy was concerned as I felt that he obviously didn’t love me enough so we just went through the motions. It got to the point where if I said no to sex a pattern emerged if I didn’t let him have his way I would know about it with arguments or silent treatment we could never talk it always ended up with rows and atmospheres me treading on eggshells my kids doing the same they always knew when something was gonna kick off. He blamed me for everything he even said I blackmailed him where sex was concerned. I’ll hold my hands up back them I was sick and tired of his lazy a*s ways around the house it got to the point of me saying get a grip and sort yourself out ty youve got a family now things need doing around the house instead of smoking weed all day and playing on his games console. Trying to get him to do anything around the home was a nightmare fast forward to about (removed by moderator) years ago he started looking after my (removed by moderator) kids whilst she worked there was a lot of “banter” between them and one of my sisters friends which I found out about when my sisters friend wanted to take over my partner job ( I know head blagging isn’t it) There was a major row after (removed by moderator) told me that my partner said he’d have a better life with her and that I’m the one with the control and treat my partner like c**p. I broke down AGAIN he said he was sorry and that the things she said weren’t true I was broken again I believed him even though things didn’t add up tightly. I loved him I didn’t want to lose him but things were bad we were arguing more he never listened to what I was feeling just played it all down and blamed everything on me. I honestly thought we could move on. He said I needed therapy for my issues in relation to my childhood the loss of my father and my mental health I honestly did think it was me the way he said I treated him. In August this year he left the arguments got bad he threw (removed by moderator) in my face raged a lot at me.I was scared at time treading on eggshells giving in to sex just so there wouldn’t be any sulking or arguing the next day. I couldn’t express anything to him he’d shut me down talk over me I was just crying all the time I felt trapped. It got real bad one day I actually rang the police I can’t remember why it was cus he’d scared me or I just couldn’t emotionally cope anymore. The police rang me back and asked for more information and could I go to the station which I did and I told them as much as I could. They wanted me to make a formal statement snd. Gave me information on D/A I was shook to my core but I still love him ffs . He didn’t know I spoke with police anyway he left (removed by moderator)later and for (removed by moderator) it was peaceful and in the back of my mind he would come back and change wrd get some support/ counselling but he didn’t I ended contacting him stupid I know but we all were ill with covid and I needed his support as my one child was quite poorly with it I asked him to come help me but he just said he can’t cus he’d end up catching it even though I had to call an ambulance for my child cus he was really poorly with it, he said he’d did offer to (removed by moderator) for us. But stayed at (removed by moderator).
I’ll carry on with the rest in a bit have to go to an appointment.

[Orchidblue]

Part 2.
He planned to take our son out on his birthday (removed by moderator) and wanted to spend the day with all the kids on (removed by moderator) at home I told him several times I didn’t want him coming here and needed to find somewhere else to take them but his excuse was he couldn’t take them to my sisters and he can’t afford a place of his own so I gave in and allowed him here. Yes big mistake he wormed his way back to my bed had his cake then went all weird and just left saying I went went all odd on him!!! That really p****d me of what he did so I took a bit of control back and when my kids went to school I bagged up some of his stuff snd took it to my sisters I also took back control of a financial situation which angered him cus he wasn’t expecting me to do that either. Then over the next couple of weeks he was giving me mixed signals saying I didn’t care about him and all the time he’s been gone I never fought for him. I felt sorry for him and began talking and yes I wanted to try again cus I still love him I invited him down to talk and hoped we could sort it out but he was giving me mixed signals again then he left again and I was upset all over again. I went up to (removed by moderator) to talk to him that same evening but he said he didn’t want to try again his mental health had deteriorated and I was to blame for how I treated him. Back to square one again I really have no idea why I let it happen. Now here comes the part where my whole world came crashing down he came to the house to spend time with the kids and again we spoke I just had this funny guy feeling there was more to this so I came out and asked him straight are you seeing someone without hesitation he said yes I completely breakdown to the point my kids thought I was being attacked my ex put his arms around me as I was screaming and sobbing he just kept (removed by moderator) I just had my heart ripped out again but he said he wanted to try again and said it was a mistake and he would cut all contact with her. I don’t know what I was thinking I think I was in total shock cus I said yes ok to trying again cus I still love the b*****d so for (removed by moderator) we told the kids we was trying again but slowly that he wouldn’t move back in till after Christmas my (removed by moderator)child said he was so pleased his dad was back I even over compensated by giving him lots of intimacy then find out he lied about sleeping with her before he slept with me (removed by moderator). After (removed by moderator) he just decided he couldn’t do it and left again I’m devastated my children Are devastated. Is this all part of the cycle cus he keeps saying he doesn’t want to try again. Thank you for reading I know it’s a very long post x

[N-Survivor]

Hi Orchid Blue,

It’s so hard to take yourself out of the emotions and look at the patterns constructively. Ultimately if you’re not ready to leave no one can make you. Be gentle with yourself, it takes many tries before one has had enough.
What I personally see from what you have said is that he consistently blows hot and cold and makes you feel bad. Unfortunately this is spilling now onto your children which is simply unacceptable.

From the very beginning there were issues with fidelity. If loyalty is important to you you must ask yourself if you can tolerate his lack of it.

Let’s look at the big-ticket items. Can you trust him? Probably not as he has mislead you and the children in a very painful way. Seems like someone toying with your emotion for his own gratification. Like a power struggle.

The fact that he’s told you “you’re not giving him what he needs (sex)” shows he sees you as a source of whatever he needs. It’s not about you and what you need. Trust me this line is rather common among abusers, I’ve heard it a few times. Red flag.

You didn’t feel loved and seen in the relationship. You withdrew because of that, because of him. Trust your gut.

I feel you were gaslighted to believe you were the one with the issues to be sorted. Abusers are unable to take responsibility for anything.

The thing to untangle here is why your attachment to him is so strong regardless of his behaviour or maybe because of it. You could be trauma-bonded. Have a read online or listen to Dr Ramani on YouTube about it. It’s not healthy for you to continue like this, it’s not healthy for your children. It sounds like something you can untangle with a therapist if you have access to help.

[Orchidblue]

N-Survivor,

Thanks for your reply I’m so in a bad place with it all. I do love him but I think you may be right about the trauma bond as he’s all I’ve known for a long time. I guess I have to accept that as many times he’s left this is the first time he’s said he doesn’t want to try again. I know this may sound horrible cus when I last saw him his mental health had deteriorated and I got him to see the head doc at the surgery and he’s now on antidepressants I don’t know if this is another game he’s playing or if he’s genuine about his depression he said something had gone between us. I’m just so sad about it all my heads a mess. But ty for your reply I really appreciate it xx

[Author]

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