I don’t know how to cope with all the clutter in my head

[Prague]

Every day I relive another trauma of something that my ex did to me. Today it was when he locked me in his (detail removed by moderator) room (which are tiny). He left me for hours without food or water and didn’t say when he was coming back. When he eventually came back i begged him to let me leave because i just wanted to go home. Desperately. It got very heated and he got angry and i was screaming for him to let me leave. He started tipping my suitcase upside down and emptying my (detail removed by moderator) bags on the floor- he even pull off my wig. Just because he wanted to keep me in that room. I was willing to leave without my wig and all my belongings, i would have left bare naked if it meant that i could just leave. The walls are not exactly sound proof in (detail removed by moderator) so his neighbour called (detail removed by moderator) security and they showed up. As soon as they came, he stopped trying to subdue me and i stopped screaming and we both acted like everything was normal.
Today this specific event kept going through my mind. Why didn’t i speak up? there was someone to help so why didn’t i take that chance. That could have been my escape.
Tomorrow it’ll be something different. These are often things that, if i tried to remember them, it wont come to mind. But there will be a trigger and one day I’ll suddenly remember every single detail about that specific day. Today was hard because I feel like i sabotaged myself. The help was right in front of my face, but when i saw an outsider, i started playing happy family again. what is wrong with me?

 

 

 

[Iwantmeback]

Hi, welcome to the forum. Traumatic events are usually well hidden, the silliest, mundane of things can trigger them back. Write them down, start a journal. Having something physical to look at, that’s our reminder. What a terrible experience to live through. Dont feel bad at not asking for help, we’re programmed from a very early age as females to not make a fuss, no matter the experience. Thankfully things are changing.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi welcome, it’s awful what you went through, sickening behaviour on his part. Nothing wrong with you at all for reacting that way, there can be many reasons, you were in shock, confused, afraid, unsure what to do, even protecting him – we all do it at some point.

Yes nightmares are surfacing once you’re safe to process it all. When they came for me I was so frightened I went straight to my gp and I received strong sleeping pills. Few months later I started a therapy. She suggested to acknowledge the dream, see who’s there and tell that person to go away.
Alternatively, you can change mentally what happened. As in, it would have been nice if… so in your case in this particular incident you wished you had asked for help so try imagine few different endings, until you are happy with it. Doing this will dissipate the dream or flashback, loosing in power and intensity. If the same dream reoccurs, try taking control and end the dream the way you wrote it out.

Make sure your surroundings are safe, feel safe, have a teddybear to cuddle, cushions, covers to pull over your head when you’re frightened. A safe place in your house to go to where you feel comfortable. During my worst anxiety moments I chose my bed as safe place then other times it was the bathroom and other times the kitchen corner, sitting on the floor. Other times it was outside.

Be kind to yourself and gentle.
Scents like lavender have a soothing effect and will help you ground yourself.
Relaxing guided visualisation does help a lot. There are many short 10 min podcasts available on youtube.

Do you follow a therapy? Go see/contact your gp in any case and ask for help.
It is possible you’re suffering from PTSD, this is a little difficult and it takes time to process it all, even with best efforts the next thing will trigger you. When you know there are more triggers to come at least you won’t be surprised. Best to develop technics and learn how to deal with them.

I would highly recommend following a therapy, this is really too complex to handle on your own.

Take good care of yourself & keep posting

[Prague]

Thank you guys, it feel great to tell someone and here from people who have experienced similar things. I’m trying not to be too hard on myself and blame myself but sometimes i just get in my head too much. I’d like to go to the GP about it and i know it’s confidential but I really don’t my family (eps my mum) to find out. There’s too many issues behind there. I haven’t really openly confided in anyone about the abuse ever so I’m glad I can use the forum. Did you guys confide in anyone close to you at the time? Who did you talk to and did it help at all?

[HopeLifeJoy]

I’m glad you can open up here, recovery starts with one step. One step leads to the next and so it goes, healing until the wound is well scared off.

Yes I’ve always reached out to support, during the abuse and afterwards. I told everyone. Gp, social workers, helpline, lawyers, school, friends & family.
I believe if hurt is shared it divides the pain, when joy is shared it multiplies it 🙂
I never stopped reaching out for support, I always seek it, it’s the only way to move forward. And that’s the only way I wish to go.

Regarding your nightmares and triggers, pls do seek professional support, you can trust your medical file staying confidential. You also don’t have to say much, just say you suffered abuse and she will know exactly what to do. When I went to see my (new) GP, it was my first visit ever because I just relocated, I had a panic attack in the waiting room, when my turn came, I wasn’t able to even breathe nor talk properly, she asked me to say only one word. I said abuse. She prescribed strong sleeping pills, send me to therapy for ptsd, anxiety and depression. Although I’m having a difficult time opening up emotionally to anyone at all, I took the support and went. Therapists teach you methods to deal with whatever is bothering you, they are really competent, I can only recommend it. I am not good at talking about my feelings in a session because I don’t know what the heck I am supposed to feel but the technics to move out of anxieties, nightmares and depression are invaluable.

Hope you feel able to seek treatment, your health is worth it. Also now seems to be the ideal time for you since you remember it all vividly. Do write it down. It helps processing them.

Keep posting 💕

[Prague]

You’re right, I need to bring myself to actually go to the gp. Its one thing talking on the forum, which is still a big thing for me, but talking to someone in real life…that’s major. But I know it’ll help me. In the mean time I am journaling the things I can remember from my dreams.
Unfortunately i haven’t been able to go to a family member or friend to tell them what has happened because they view me as such a strong person. How could i tell them that i was manipulated and taken advantage for? They would never believe that i would take any b******t from a man. Im just afraid they won’t see me at the same person anymore. I know I’m not weak but I’m so scared to be vulnerable around anyone. I’m the rock of the family and the person that everyone goes to for their problems so i feel like i’ve let them down.
Anyway, the point is, I want to get better mentally and hopefully once i start dealing with my trauma, I’m able to be honest with the people around me. That would make me so happy.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi your doctor wil never divulge what you tell them to any family member, its more than their jobs worth to break that trust. It took me a long time to be able to build up the courage to contact mine, it was with the support on here that I eventually did it. If you feel you can’t speak, write down what you want to say

[Prague]

I’m really hoping that the support on here will help me go to my gp and get more help. Thank you for the advice xx

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Prague, sounds like a solid plan. Work on your trauma first and see how you feel about disclosing it to your loved ones.

One survivor on here informed her surroundings by telling them he’s been controlling, domineering. I find this approach quite safe because it’s disclosing enough to show it wasn’t a healthy relationship yet doesn’t go too deep into details. Everyone knows at least one controlling person in their lives, everyone can relate to that. Not everyone can relate to domestic abuse.

All in all, you are not obligated to share anything with anyone. It is your choice.
There is beauty and power in the freedom to choose isn’t there 😀
Start opening up and seeking support in a safe environment (GP, forum, therapist) and see where it leads you.

Take very good care of yourself. And keep posting. 💕

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