I don’t know how to cope with the affects

[Lovetravel]

Hi everyone.

It’s been (detail removed by Moderator) since I left an abuse relationship and I still feel I am living with the consequences.

I recently had a friend show interest in me romantically, he’s one of the nicest people I know, he has many qualities that I like and I told him I wasn’t interested.

Truth is, I am interested in him. The reason I told him I wasn’t is because I have fears holding me back and until I have gotten rid of them I don’t think I’ll be ready.

I’m scared of getting into an abusive relationship again, however I feel this is something I can trust myself with, I have educated myself on abusive behaviour and I’m confident I can spot red flags, although there is still a small part of me scared I’ll miss them.

I’m also scared of treating someone else the same way I once was. It might sound silly but people say that bullies have normally been bullied themselves and it’s my worst fear.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this? How did you help yourselves to move on? It’s been so long already, I want to be ready now. I know time is probably the right answer however this has really upset me and I want to take action to help myself.

I am very grateful for any advice

[Eggshells]

Hi Lovetravel,

Thank you for this post. I know others do have good relationships with new partners so it must be possible to trust again. I’ll look forward to reading their responses.

I hope you are able to find the advice you are looking for to enable you to find the loving relationship that you deserve. xx

[GreenSapphire]

Hi,

I haven’t embarked on a new relationship as yet as I don’t have any interest in one but that might change of course and i’m open to one in the future. I think what you’re saying is that you’re worried and unsure if you can trust yourself to make the right choices and decisions about one.

I think the current advice is a 2 year grace period between the abusive relationship ending and a new one beginning, but obviously this is a benchmark and we all heal at different rates and feel ready at different points.

Personally I think you would benefit from taking it slowly and at the pace you feel comfortable with. This is what i’ll be doing when I’m ready. I think you and your potential new boyfriend would both benefit if you were honest about wanting to take things slowly and ask for his patience and understanding in wanting to do so. If he likes you and respects you, he will make this space for you freely and willingly.

I’ve been reading a bit about boundaries in relationships of late because there were some issues I felt needed addressing in a friendship I have and I think if you haven’t done reading up on this yet then I would definitely advise reading up about healthy boundaries.

Your gut instincts are really your best ally in navigating the world of relationships and people and these can’t be rationalised as they are instinctive and impulsive. But if and when you have a gut instinct about something in the future, listen to it and act accordingly. It’s too easy to let the brain override the feeling.

Just take it slow, listen to your gut, know what healthy boundaries are and see how it goes : )

Best of luck x Really hope it works out for you x

[KIP.]

I think you would really benefit from counselling and cognitive behavioural therapy. Mind over mood is a good book. Abuse really messes with our head and trauma stays with us until we deal with it. It’s good you’ve known this man for so long already and if you like him you could start by telling him that you’d like to take it really slowly. You can also look at doing The Freedom Programme. It will give you some confidence back to spot red flags. Lots of women go on to find happiness but lots also fall straight into the arms of another abusers. My ex has a new wife who he met when she was being abused so some men look for vulnerable women. And some abused women go for what’s familiar. So taking time to heal and understand yourself is key. Knowledge Is Power. Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven is a good book too. And Healing from Hidden Abuse.

[Yearslater]

I was in an abusive relationship for 2 years, and when I got out I thought I would never move on. I was so hurt, angry and emotionally damaged. I often read that you should wait before getting into another relationship and this was what I had planned to do. But 6 months later, I was in a similar situation where my friend admitted feelings and I felt the same. I was so scared to ruin him with my ‘baggage’ or that he would turn out much like my ex. But I was sick of living in the past of my abuser, I wanted my life back. My happy life. We started dating, and 2 years on I am in the happiest relationship and part of my life is back. I won’t lie, the memories are hard and there are still effects I live with each day. I don’t think there is a perfect time line for this kind of thing, it’s your life and you deserve to be happy and stop living in the shadow of your ex or what he did to you. I wish you all the best and hope you find someone who treats you better Xx

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