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is is going to be a bit long winded. I just eant to know if anyone else has experienced this and how you find the energy to fight.
Me and my ex split up (detail removed by moderator) years ago we have a (age removed by moderator)year old son. He was controlling when we were together and physically abuse a couple of times after we split. Currently i have our son four nights a week and he has him three.
He has decided he wants our son 5 nights a week now. He is threatening me with court action. It is so frustrating because i am offering him and extra two nights a month to make it a total 50 50 split but he is having non of it. He accused me of refusing to be reasonable and that he is trying to compromise and i am refusing. Hr is constantly twisting everything and bullying me into doing what he wants if i stand up to him he accuses me of being the bully or unreasonable. I just feel like i can’t win. Hr is charming and nice one minute and the next horrible. Everything is on his terms. He seems to have this image of me as some kind of monster and everythingis my fault. Everything he does I get accused of. If I tell him he is bullying its me who is doing that he is never wrong.
He also does things with ot son which if I did he woupd throw his toys out the pram and hit the roof. I just don’t think I can cope with feeling like I have this cloud hanging over me. I am so scared of pushing him by refusing because I know he believes he is right and god knows what he will do if he thinks he is justtified. He also has an anger management problem so I am worried he is either going to lose his temper physically or do something planned but stupid when he realises he isn’t going to get what he wants. -
Hi Bun
There are many in similar position. You can guarantee that there is some hidden motive if he is trying to force a rebalancing in his favour. The subtle change rather than him trying for a large rebalance is probably a stealth tactic to not appear unreasonable but to achieve advantage and control.
Is child benefit in your name? Could he be about to have a significant change in income? Speak to Women’s aid and see if they can help or refer you to free legal advice from someone experienced in DV financial abuse. -
Yes I claim the child benefit and because I was doing more of the daytime childcare when we first split up and our son wasn’t being looked after at school I worked part time and still do to cover holidays when we don’t have childcare so I rely on the benefits to boost my income. I think he wants to play happy families with his new girlfriend and whilst I have never claimed maintenance because I want as little dependence on him as possible I think because he is earning good money now he is worried I will claim it.
Ihave said he can have our son as many nights as he wants if a judge agrees it is in our sons best interests but I am not giving him more than 50 50 without a court order which means he can’t change his mind again in six months. There is no valid reason for him to need him more nights and given it would mean me having to change jobs and upset the current routine I can’t allow it on just a whim. What I am afraid of is I say ok we will swap and you can have him four and I will have him three for his childcare arrangements to fall though a few months down the line once I am settled in a fulltime job and him to expect me to drop everything to take care of our son.
I know he would guilt trip me or claim I was a bad mum for not wanting to look after our son because I refused to because I was working. I hope that makes sense. -
Hi there, this is typical threatening behaviour. I hope you are keeping all his texts and emails as evidence. Also report every episode of domestic abuse or violence to your GP. I can’t stress enough how important it is to document this. Even if you tell your GP that his behaviour is affecting your mental health. He’s using your child to control you. Who knows what is behind this sudden wanting more nights. With my ex is wasn’t that he wanted things he just wanted the high he got out of getting his own way. Abusers love to have control and the more control he has over your child, the more he has over you. I urge you to have as little contact with him as possible. Speak to a solicitor. Most offer free half hour sessions. That will give you an idea of what the law says so you can dismiss his threats. I don’t have young children but other ladies in here have advised to get access sorted through the courts. That way he cannot hold this threat over your head. Can you use a third party for contact so that you don’t have to deal with him at all. He can text or email your mum or sister or friend. You don’t have to put up with this abusive behaviour. Abusers are liars. Don’t believe a word he says. Go and get advice from people you can trust. Ring the helpline number on here to start with. And keep reading posts on here for good advice ❤️
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First of all keep a diary of everything. Get everything he wants in writing from him. If he refuses send emails saying my understanding of what was agreed was x and if I don’t have a reply from to this email to say otherwise I will take it as true. or words to that affect.
The one thing courts will tell you while the child is with the other parent, the parent who doesn’t have the child for that period has no say over what the parent who does, does with the child, unless it is harming or dangerous to the child then they have a duty of care to report to the relevant authorities. This goes both ways. Sorry that was long winded.
I take it at the moment you do not have a court order in place and he is using the threat of court to scare you into submission.
For a start you show the court that you have offered to meet him half way and that he is the obstructive partner. To be honest in this situation I wouldn’t be scared of the courts as it they will put in place an agreed rota of when your child see which parent and it is to be stuck to.
The courts will expect you two to work things out together like contact when the child is with the other parent, but if that isn’t happening or it will be controlled by him then get that into the court order, birthdays, mothers day, Christmas, holidays away which means you and your child and also a break for you alone.
Change the script from one of him going she is blocking me to one of why does he want his child to see you less. Why does he want you to have less than joint custody? Why won’t he meet you half way? Make sure that you look at the things he is saying in a questioning way and not a defensive way.
Make sure you have boundaries in place and that you stick to those boundaries and so does he.
So when he says something is your fault, look at the question think is it? or is it his actions that caused the fault? if there is any fault at all? Think dealing with a stroppy child, it helps.
Then you keep a diary going about what happens after the court order and you keep the written contact that way you will have proof of the he said she said for court should you need it.
It will also help you keep your sanity.HTH
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Thankyou so much for the help I am making sure everything is done via message so I have a record. I have asked for why he wants our son more. He says he wants to take him(detail removed by moderator)I aksed countless times how he would feel if his dad limited the time he spent with his mother and got no answer. He just ignored that part of the message.
He told me yesterday because I finally put my foot down that he couldn’t work the afternoon after I had dropped that “bombshell” so he was going to lose money which is my fault. He keeps saying its my fault and I am making him take me court because I won’t compromise but I haven’t wanted to change anything or forced him into needing to change anything (detail removed by moderator) -
Truly, truly excellent advice from the ladies above. You cannot deal with a bully in the same way you can deal with a normal person. In a normal relationship with an ex they would be sitting around the table, drinking a pot of tea and discussing how they can manage things for the best interests of their child and themselves. Your ex wants to make out that his agenda is a normal one and that you are unreasonable. This is false and anyone who understands they have been a victim of domestic abuse knows it. The really big question is, ‘why is it in my child’s best interests that the contact arrangements are changed?’. Because it is very disturbing to a child to change a familiar routine. It is also disturbing to remove a child especially a younger(?) child from the person they see as their primary nurturer and the place they feel is home. Your fear of your ex and the behaviour you describe shows that there is a safety issue for yourself and your child. So everything you have said in your posts is a good position for you to take. You are well advised to communicate through third parties as he is behaving abusively. I don’t know if he will take you to court, but I do know that my daughter’s father has been threatening this for many, many years and we still haven’t gone yet. He may find a solicitor does not advise him it is a reasonable course of action. If you are in fear of retaliatory violence (because he can’t get what he wants through threats so he will use violence) please speak with the police. Is there a local women’s domestic abuse advisory service you can speak with? Also, I don’t know whether he will use contact with your son to withhold him from you? It’s why you really do need local professional advice so that you can plan your strategy for dealing with this. Well, take care and please don’t feel alone and cornered. You have the right to make decisions that affect yours and your child’s welfare, and he doesn’t have the right to tell you what those decisions must be. That is coercion, plain and simple. Xx
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It is such a reief to have people tell me I am not the problem and it isn’t normal. He can be so charming and my parents love him so it makes it difficult because they don’t really understand how he makes me feel and how he treats me.they cannot reconcile the person they know with what I describe. To be honest I can’t. I wish he would be horrible all the time because it wouod be easy for me but he changes so quickly and can suddenly start being nice so I feel more like I am wrong for upsetting him. It is so difficult to explain. It is comforting to know I am not going mad or being irrational because I feel like I am constantly doubting myself. I am usually so sure of myself and so headstrong but he just wrongfoots me
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His threat over tipping the balance further if he has to go to court is probably a bluff to scare you to agree out of court.
He can get the child benefit transferred to him if he has them more than you. This stops you claiming child maintainance (I know you don’t anyway but if he’s thinking you might in the future) it also means he can claim from you! -
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That is the other half of the problem. I work part time because I cover the lionshare of childcare. If he now wants to do that it would mean signing over the child benefit and me getting full time work which I wouod actually rather like I hate being dependant on the state but without it being written into a court order there is nothing to stop him in six months deciding he wants to change it back and using the same tatics for the reverse effect and messing with mine and our sons routine and stability a second time. I can hear that conversation now, “but you wanted him four nighst a week”,”what kind of mother doesn’t want to see her child”, “well you obviously don’t care about our son if you aren’t wwilling to look after him” “just quit your job and go back to your old one”. Those kind of comments would be what I would have to wade through later down the line.
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For now, listen to your gut.
You know there’s an ulterior motive which somehow benefits him, not you and not your son.
You know there’s a good chance he will change the arrangements when he gets bored, disrupting your life, and more importantly, your son’s.
If you’re not happy giving him more than he already has (which I think is flipping plenty seeing as he’s an abusive so and so), don’t give it.
If he wants to take you to court, let him go for it. You are the stable one who has provided consistently for your son. Stay strong and tell him to jog on.
xx
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