I don’t know how to react

[Chocolatebunnie]

As things have been calm this recent episode of events is unsettling and I don’t know how to respond to him.

I see what he does, what he says snd I know.

But I respond angrily I respond with silence or I ignore and I feel abusive.

I feel it’s me reacting badly.

I know it’s Christmas and it’s a time they love to spoil.

[Bananaboat]

It’s hard isn’t it, but mine used to want me to be angry and react so he could use it against me to be nasty / drinking / going out. It’s your Christmas too and you only get so many with the kids, so focus on them. As hard as it is, try to be civil and just do what makes you & kids happy – be the bigger person and avoid getting drawn into arguments. He’ll sulk eitherway, so do something to make you happy if you can xx

[Chocolatebunnie]

Christmas was ok but he’s punished me with presents or lack of thought, sounds materialistic but usually he makes a real effort but not this year. It’s because he had to move out and I’m not forgiven, I’m guessing here but I’m trying to trust my gut feeling here.

Kids were spoilt rotten which is the main thing.

I feel he organised Christmas and I had little involvement from putting up decorations and presents, even the food shopping there was awkwardness with him agreeing extra money.

It all sounds petty, living in a controlled environment is difficult and stressful.

Tried my best for the kids sakes though they are my world and as you say you do only get x amount of Christmas with them x*x

[Iwantmeback]

Trust your gut CB, he is punishing you. He may even be thinking that you won’t be together much longer🤞 so didn’t want to really spend money or put any thought into your gifts, but I’m more inclined to think it’s about punishment, after all abusers are about power and control.
I’m glad to hear you survived Christmas and New Year, but wouldn’t it be lovely knowing this Christmas coming that you don’t have to survive it you can actually enjoy it, make new family traditions with the kids.
In the meantime keep watching his behaviour, his words mean nothing.
Bi làidir (be strong) you can do this
IWMB 💞 💞

[Iwantmeback]

I also wanted to say, living with an abuser on a scale of 1-10, we’re usually at 8-9, so anything they say to us even if it’s trivial is enough to send us spiralling out of control, making us look like the cr..y one. Have you hear of the gray rock method? Its where you don’t get into any meaningful conversations with them, one word answers, you talk about the weather, be as boring as possible. (Link removed by Moderator) has some insightful videos, I’ve watched a good few of her videos over the years. I’m actually getting to a stage that I no longer feel the need to watch these videos too, so that speaks volumes to me as to where I am in healing.
Best wishes
IWMB 💞 💞

[Chocolatebunnie]

IWMB thanks for your reply and yes you are right.

I’m watching actions not words anymore. There is no love from him. Occasionally we are friends perhaps but no physical affection apart from the obvious. Even that is twisted in one way or another. But I’ve worked out all of this part of our relationship.

I feel like I am already grey rock, although I know your true meaning of this. But he is already bored of all I have to say. But I will extend on this. Will be difficult as sometimes it’s the only person I have to discuss with, I have often wished he would get bored and find someone else. I don’t know why he stays.

Christmas could be better, I just hate the thought of sharing the kids between two homes. But I guess I’m even accepting this too, which has been extremely difficult to do.

I’m going to get back in touch with local WA in the new year and the children are back to school.

Thanks again CB xx

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