I don’t know if I am being abused

[leila]

I have been with my husband for (time frame removed by moderator). I am at the stage where I don’t know if I am being abused or if I am just being oversensitive.
I feel he is deep down a good person, he is quite good with the kids and doesn’t shy away from helping around the house. 
In my view He really struggles to respect me when I do something wrong or forget to do something. I am very forgetful, waiting for an ADHD test. But I have really changed and to his admission become more organised. I am also doing therapy to improve myself.I am also seriously burnt out by the complete lack of support I have while looking after the kids and building a business. He also is really tired as he works really hard… but is away all day. 
He often makes me feel like I do nothing all day and really cannot stand the fact we do not have as much sex as he wants.
We have it once a week, but I feel so anxious every time because when we do do it he never says anything nice about it or simply treats it like is nothing. 
To then say that it didn’t count because it was too quick. 
He says I don’t do anything to make him feel loved and make him have suicidal thoughts for the little attention I give him and constant negative remarks about his disrespect. When I ask him what can I do to make him feel loved he says it is my job to find out. 
We have little kids so it is normal that the house is a mess but he says it is my fault becasue I shouldn’t sit down until I am done. Which infuriates me because I am completely exhausted and he should know.
He insult me saying that he loves me but I don’t reach the standard he needs. That he is not happy with who I am.
Than in the night he tries to approach me to have sex and obviously I am not in the mood and he spirals in this cicle where he says I make him feel unattractive. And that I should just do it to make him happy, like when he buys me flowers……..!!!!!!!!!!!That I am destroying his life.
I think I do many things to make Him feel special but he says the are not the ones he wants. Without disclosing what they are… other than sexual fantasies.
He punched the table the other day in anger with our son and that really worried me. Which is the main reason why I am writing here, because I thought it was such a big red flag. 
I told him not to dare doing it again but he said he is not sorry about it and that I am too soft and oversensitive. that I see abuse everywhere.
I am sometimes unpleasant too, but often in response to the awful stuff he tells me. I am really attached to the good side of him, but the bad side is really making me question what I am accepting.

[Lisa]

Hello leila,

Thank you for your post and for sharing what you’re going through. It sounds like an exhausting and distressing experience.

The behaviour you’ve described sounds like emotional, verbal, psychological and sexual abuse, you are not being oversensitive. It’s not okay for your husband to put you down, insult you, disregard your needs and feelings, to put pressure on you to be intimate or to wear yourself down by carrying the weight of responsibility for the whole family – it must be draining.

From reading your post, it sounds like your feelings and needs are completely lost within the relationship, it sounds as if everything is on his terms and his needs and wants overshadow everything else. This is often the case within abusive relationships, we become consumed by appeasing the abuser and often end up feeling very out of touch with our own needs and identity.

I imagine his comments and criticisms are having such a big impact on your sense of self and self worth, this often leads to loosing sight of our boundaries and can leave you doubting your own version of reality – what is ‘normal’ and what isn’t for example.

It’s really good that you are reaching out for support here on the forum and sharing what you’re going through. Do you think you might feel able to connect with your local confidential domestic abuse service to talk this through in more detail for some emotional support and advice if/when you feel ready it? You can find your local service here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/womens-aid-directory/

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Plant-mama]

I will second the above message and recommend you seek further support from your local domestic abuse service. It really does help you see perspective on your life and what you’re dealing with.
I have had some similar experiences to you and I’ve struggled to see it for what it is. The most important thing is your peace and safety along with your child/children. No one has the right to make you doubt yourself or take advantage of you in any way. If this behaviour is there now it will continue and eventually escalate. I am dealing with a social prescriber from my gp (who I found very helpful to talk to. I was signed off work because I couldnt cope and when I opened up about how homelife can sometimes be and particularly because we had some current financial stress l was told by my gp he was abusive and that’s when I started to really think about it all) but the social prescriber told me if you’re in a relationship with anyone that makes you feel anxious, uncertain, unsettled, confused etc then you’re not with the right person and that stuck with me. You are THE most important person and whilst the idea of change or leaving can feel huge it’s so important to do something about it. I allowed his behaviour because I doubted myself and questioned everything and he always had an answer and it was usually either obviously or subtly to blame me and I believed him. I hope you’re safe and have people you can speak to and feel safe enough to share with.

[Eyesopening]

this is horrific abuse and please continue to seek help as adviced above. When you are in it you can’t see it. That’s what he has done. Abuse is like boiling a frog, you do it very slowly on low heat so by the time your boiling you don’t notice it. Or another analogy I like, abuse is like a thousand paper cuts. Also keep a note of all he has done, we can forget and look back with rose tinted glasses.

[Firsttimedivorcee]

I see so much of my experience in what I’ve just read. You’re not attached to the good side of him hun, your brain isn’t able to allow you to coincide his bad side with what you feel like he is. You understand that something isn’t quite right, but he is able to show you that he is nice as well.

What it sounds like your partner (and mine) didn’t understand is that sex is more than just doing it, it’s about the fact that 2 people who care about you share an experience.it sounds like it’s a tick box exercise for you, it was the same for me. I could do no right. At times I was told I was withholding sex but in reality, I just didn’t want him to touch me, let alone sleep together.

No one can tell you what to do but it sounds like his behaviours are escalating in a way where he isn’t accepting what he’s doing. You have children, I would definitely raise some concerns with someone. Whether it be a doctor, DA person, anyone. Document everything. What he does etc and how it affects you. And don’t justify what he does. Ultimately, you cannot add logic to an illogical situation. Yes you’re very right, you’re absolutely exhausted with kids, the house is a mess, sometimes you’re a mess, but your partner should prop you up. It is no one persons job to do everything. If he has an issue with the house being unclean, he should clean it himself!

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