I don’t know if it’s abuse or not, I’m completely torn

[Iamsurvivor]

Hello, I’ve been with my husband (detail removed by Moderator) years and married for nearly (detail removed by Moderator) years. We have 2 kids. We’ve always had a fun relationship, lots of laughter at first. I’d met him (detail removed by Moderator) after coming out of an abusive relationship. When we met I was very clear about what I’d put up with, if he did anything that made me unhappy I’d let him know straight away and then it would seem okay. When we did argue it would be over petty things. If I got really upset about something and tried to voice that he would often tell me my arguments made no sense, that I was like a child and it was pathetic. If I cried he used to try and comfort me at first but then he would tell me he hates when I (detail removed by Moderator) when I cry and he would come in the room and ask me to stop. If I get upset now he just ignores me.

There would the occasion where he would get extremely drunk on (detail removed by Moderator) and act a bit scary, shouting, has never been violet with me but he would be verbally aggressive and quite scary. He would never remember this and didn’t act like this sober so I never made an issue out of it.

when I fell pregnant he reacted with what a counsellor called a “shock like reaction”. He was panicking as (detail removed by Moderator). There was a couple of times he got drunk and upset me, went out for hours wondering about drunk. When my first was born he seemed to come round a bit.

He’s been drunk and scary a few times since then, once when my son was a baby and he threatened members of my family. There was once when his (detail removed by Moderator) was here and he was trying to kick the (detail removed by Moderator) off the wall. He upset my son that night telling him I was bad and horrible. There’s been a couple of other times.

In the last (detail removed by Moderator) we’ve been bickering a lot. He started (detail removed by Moderator) work and I’ve noticed that I’m so much calmer when he’s not around. He’s very lazy round the house but thinks he does a lot. When I work he still expects me to cook dinner, he sits up all night and sleeps all day.

(detail removed by Moderator) it got to the point where I suggested separating. He then treated what I said about separating as the bad thing that happened rather than addressing his own behaviour and I ended up apologising.

More recently my (detail removed by Moderator) tried to talk to him about it. He got very angry with her. Asked her to leave and went to bed. Her and I fell asleep (detail removed by Moderator). He woke in the morning. Woke the kids up shouting at her and tried to physically remove her from the house. I left and went to my (detail removed by Moderator). He begged me to come back and the conditions were that he’d see a counsellor and not drink which he agreed to.

We’ve had (detail removed by Moderator) with a counsellor. He didn’t really take any responsibility and said he felt very low recently and that I didn’t seem to care about this.

I just don’t know if this is an abusive relationship. I always thought it was a good relationship, it just seems things have been creeping in over the years.

It would be good to hear from others who’ve been in similar situations. Thanks for reading this far.

[Miosotis]

Hi, your situation has similarities with mine. I had also come out of an abusive relationship, also told him enough about it for him to know that this would not be happening to me again, I am also very confused and at times think that this can’t possibly be true, because anyone who meets him would think that I am crazy. No children here, luckily and although he drinks a bit, he doesn’t get drunk. There is no bickering here either, never an argument, as he doesn’t talk. Better argue and talk, if you ask me… yes, things to creep up over the years and we almost can’t see them. It is like slowly going down a well where you don’t want to be, but by the time you really realize that has happened, you are at the bottom of the well, often with no way up. I hope you find a solution for your situation, the same I hope for myself! Why can’t men understand that if they cooperate a bit more we would all be happier… no relationship is perfect and maybe we don’t even want them to be perfect, but with dialogue and compromise most things can be solved. I always think that the new generation has it easier, but clearly not! Men now are more willing to talk now, not in my generation. I also hope that I will get some answers to my posts. Take care…

[Lisa]

Hi Iamsurvivor,

Thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. You mentioned a couple of times about how he doesn’t take responsbility for his behaviour- seems to twist it round on you- blame you or others.

Abusive men will often blame their partners for their behaviour- make you feel you the one in the wrong. If you try and set your boundaries, stand up for yourself they will react in this way.

What you have described is concerning and is abuse- he chooses to drink and chooses to be abusive. It sounds like he makes empty promises of change but the cycle continues. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.

I would suggest linking in with a local domestic abuse service when you feel ready- they can provide you with ongoing practical and emotional support.

Take care and keep posting

Best Wishes

Lisa

[Author]

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