I don’t know if this is normal or not?

[GreenSunflower]

I will try and keep this as short as possible. Early on in my relationship my boyfriend would turn up to my flat unannounced and message me almost constantly. He told me this was normal behaviour in a relationship and I wasn’t used to it. After a few months I felt the relationship wasn’t right so I said I wanted to break up. He understandably got very upset and said that he didn’t want that. He continued to message me and that night when I finished work he was outside waiting for me like nothing had happened. We ended up staying together.
When I was around (detail removed by Moderator) months pregnant with his child I found out he’d been sexting multiple other women. He apologised and begged for me not to break up with him so I decided to give him a chance. I thought maybe it was my fault because I hadn’t given him enough attention or made enough effort.
I moved in with my (detail removed by Moderator) and he asked if he could stay for a couple of weeks whilst he found somewhere else to live which I agreed to. But then he made no efforts to move out, didn’t clean up after himself and didn’t contribute to rent/bills. This continued for months until I got my own flat. I had said to him that I wanted to move in alone to begin with. But he sulked and got upset so I didn’t say anymore about it. He moved himself and his belongings into my flat as soon as I was in. He still hasn’t contributed to rent/bills. I don’t ask him to do any house work but to clean up after himself e.g. put his rubbish in the bin, clothes in the laundry basket. He does these things inconsistently and says he struggles to do them because of his mental health, I feel guilty for asking so don’t anymore. Sometimes he can be really caring and kind and supportive and I think about how lucky I am. But other times he touches me/makes advances when I don’t want them. I don’t say no though. I let him because I’m worried if I don’t then he will engage with other women again. He continues to follow and like seductive images/videos of women on social media. I have told him I’m uncomfortable with this but maybe I’m being too sensitive. He is still very secretive with his phone and takes it everywhere with him, I can’t trust him. When I tell him how I feel he gets upset and I end up comforting him. I don’t know if I’m in the wrong, if I should be doing more. I just feel exhausted.

[Lisa]

Hi GreenSunFlower,

Thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. You are not in the wrong and none of this is your fault.

Turning up at your flat unannounced is stalking behaviour and a complete disregard for your boundaries. It sounds like if you tried to confront him about his behaviour or communicate your needs- he would react by getting upset but didn’t take responsbility for his own actions. He moved himself in and doesn’t contribute- but twists it around to make you feel guilty.

You mentioned he makes advances when you don’t want and that you let him- you are not letting him do anything. if you feel pressured or coerced into sex in any way this is not giving consent. If you feel you have to due to fear of him being unfaithful this is not fair on you. He is not entitled to sex or your body.

He sounds very manipulative and makes you feel you are in the wrong- you are not being too sensitive and the way he is treating you is concerning.

You may want to contact Rape Crisis. They are contactable via their 24 hr helpline on 0808 500 2222; they also have a live chat service (available Mon-Fri) through their website

If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (8am – 6pm weekdays and 10am – 6pm weekends/bank holidays). They won’t tell you what to do but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here:
https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Take care and keep posting

Best Wishes

Lisa

[Footballfan1]

Hi GreenSunflower,

The behaviour you described in the early stage of the relationship is called love bombing.

They bombard you with attention, physically and emotionally.
They say you are the best thing that ever happened to them, shower you with gifts and affection.
They say they can’t live without you.

You are so switched on to spot these reg flags.

You should not be made to feel like you have to do anything you are not comfortable with.
X

[GreenSunflower]

Thank you for the replies.

[Author]

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