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Hello,
I came out of an abusive relationship about a year ago. It went to court due the severity of the situation. I now have PTSD from the situation and major trust issues.
A (removed by moderator) later, I met someone new, he seemed kind and nice and I told him about my past and said I need someone to take it slow with me. However lately he has been acting really horrible to me. He recently admitted he has cheated on me and I dont know how to repond to the situation. I feel like I am spiralling again because I am still healing from the past. Before he admitted this to me, he has been controlling over my friends and who I speak to. He is jelous. He needs constant attention and appreciation. He does so in a way which he says ‘I love you, I just want you to reassure me, I have been hurt in the past, if i hurt you its because its trauma related’ He victimises himself. He has triggered my PTSD episodes in person, when he has acted in the same way as my ex. I feel like my mental health cant cope with it anymore.
I feel like it is my fault as well because I got into another relationship. But i told him everything because I trusted him, now he is using all of that history against me. I told him my ex used to threaten to **** himself if I ever left and now he is doing the same, he did so yesterday when he admitted to cheating on me. I dont know what to do, he seems a lot more dangerous than my ex, so I am terrified where this is going to go.
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Contact your local women’s aid for support. You need to get out of this abusive relationship safely. Did you ever complete the Freedom programme? This man sounds truly abusive. He’s cheated on you already and then tried to mess with your head by telling you. Speak to the police and use Claire’s Law to see if he has a history of abuse. He sounds like a serial perpetrator. Time to get out safely. It’s not you it’s him.
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Greyedoutblissom none of these men will kill themselves it’s just a manipulation tactic (and if they tried it’s not on you)if he’s cheating he could get someone pregnant and bring std’s to your door, you’ve been through too too much to go through this all again, he’s using every tactic your ex used to control and abuse you, it’s not advised to disclose an abusive ex partners tactics to a new one unless you’ve known them a while or know they won’t do the same thing in case they are also an abuser.please take some time out for yourself and end things with this man, start you life again, do things you enjoy, work on your self esteem, men want to keep good women but women don’t need to keep bad men, take care please let us know how your getting along 💝⭐️💝
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Greyeyedblossom, I can feel the anxiety and fear through your post. Yes your partner is abusive and it is not your fault whatsoever. Jealous, controlling, playing the victim and using your past abuse to his advantage.
You have already been through so much, I am so sorry he is treating you so badly, you absolutely do not deserve it and it is not your fault.
Can you see your GP? Please speak to someone sweetie, get as much support as you can to get out of this abusive relationship ❤ -
Hi greyedoutblossom,
I’m glad you’ve reached out for some support/advice/help here.
In answer to your question, I think you have both PTSD and abuse going on here, both of which are separate issues. Reading your time frames, your prior abusive relationship that went to court is actually quite recent, and your new relationship may be a couple of months at most?
With regards to you not knowing how to deal with your current partner when he has told you he has cheated on you, the simplest and right solution here is to end it with him. It is the right thing to do because HE HAS ADMITTED HE HAS CHEATED ON YOU. That is reason enough.
I believe that neither of you are in the right place to have a relationship at this point in time and this is resulting in a disastrous relationship from the start. His behaviour towards you has lots of red flags waving which seems to stem from his own insecurities and a desire to control you because he has trust issues and you have identified that his behaviour is triggering your PTSD. You also have trust issues, so when neither party trusts each other in a relationship it will always get worse, not better. You both need to work on yourselves before you can move on and have a successful relationship with anyone else.
Most ladies who have been in an abusive relationship say it takes at least two years to find yourself again and work on yourself to raise your self esteem, self confidence and self worth. These are things we have to find ourselves and not seek from someone else. We have to learn to be happy by ourselves and be independent. Once we are content with who we are then we can start to learn about what we are looking for from a partner. We need to set our boundaries and seek the traits and characteristics and values of a person we want to share our lives with. So many people will say “I’m not sure what I’m looking for, I’ll know when I find it” but actually, we need to know what we’re looking for and not settle for anything less. Abusive men tend to go from one woman to another and not do any work on themselves. They don’t see themselves as the problem – hence your new partner being in ‘victim’ mode. He blames all of his issues on someone else’s fault, but if he behaved like this with past partners then his history is just repeating itself.
It is not recommended that we open up to new partners about our abusive past from the start. Often they use this to abuse us themselves and will open up our old wounds instead of helping us heal them.
His behaviour to you now is NOT your fault though, he doesn’t have the right to treat you like this, and in return, you don’t have to accept it. You are still too traumatised from your own abusive relationship to help him with his issues from his past relationships, and to be honest, you won’t be able to help him, or fix him, or whatever it is you wish to do, he has to help himself. But why would you want to help him with anything when he has CHEATED on you. If he is going to cheat on you this early on he’ll do it again, there really is no excuse for him cheating.I love the saying ‘Be careful what you tolerate, you are teaching people how they can treat you.’ That is so true. If you stay with him now he is not going to stay faithful to you. He will know he can cheat again and you are likely to overlook it again. Trust me, you are worth more. You are worth being faithful to. If you want to be in an exclusive relationship with someone then don’t settle for less than that.
If you’re worried about how to end the relationship with this man because you are scared of how he may react, such as he might harass and stalk you or become violent, you can contact your local police area online and submit a Clare’s Law request and ask if there are any concerns regarding violence, harassment or stalking post-separation as you are wanting to safely end a relationship and would like to ensure you can safeguard yourself. You will need to complete details as to why you are worried about this and will have to complete a section to say he is jealous and controlling. The police will contact you and ask you some questions and then complete some checks to see if he poses a risk. They can disclose concerns to you and help you with safeguarding if so. The police don’t give you the information immediately, there are some protocols that have to take place and they will need you to confirm your identity before any disclosure can take place. All of this can take up to 35 days from the date of applying, but if there is a considerable risk to you they will act sooner.
Once you are free from him and his abusive behaviour towards you please take some time out and focus on yourself. What help and support have you sought to deal with what you have been through? Have you spoken to a counsellor at all, had CBT or EMDR? Have you done The Freedom Programme?
Please believe that you are worth being treated right. There are decent men out there. We need to have the confidence to walk away from the ones who are not decent because we are ENOUGH by ourselves.
Please watch this short video that helps explain things, it’s by Matthew Hussey who is a relationship expert. I’ve watched it several times and love it. I am happily single and have been for years, I know what I’m looking for in a relationship and I won’t settle for less. This video enforces that for me.
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UPDATE
I broke up with him (detail removed by moderator) It was really difficult but thankyou to all of your posts as they supported me to make the decision final. I was sick with anxiety going to his house. He cried and begged for me to stay and asked for one final chance and I said NO.
he kept saying he was going to change but I did not believe him. He told me multiple lies and he disrespected me. I should have left after the first red flag but I had a lot of feelings for him, I know he has a goodness in him someowhere,but for sake of my mental health I could not stay. I hope he finds the courage to go to therapy for his problems.
I hope now I can finally heal
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Well done you!
Sounds like you dodged a bullet,
Ah I remember thinking my ex had goodness in him somewhere.. I still do. I wonder if it’s goodness or just their clever acting..I just replied on another post:
There are some really great Dr Ramani videos on dating after a abusive/n**********c relationship, she also has one: Healthy vs. n**********c relationships. So you can see what healthy actually looks like. It’s so interesting because so much of their tactics have been romanticized by media and films that some red flags can be mixed up with what we think is romance. But needless to say these men are very very good at courting. So we need the upper hand and really knowledge is power. Keep a keen eye. Not just now but for all men, all boss’s, ect, they are out there. It’s our job to keep them out of our livesx*x
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I know this doesn’t feel like a positive experience right now, but you know what, you spotted red flags and listened to your gut, and pushed through his narci-fog and didn’t let the Fear, Obligation and Guilt feelings hold you back from taking steps to protect yourself from further emotional harm. That sounds like good recovery to me! Go you!! And next time you’ll spot red flags even quicker, and be even more confident at listening to your intuition.
You’re in my prayers. Be gentle with yourself. You are amazing.
GR
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