1st January 2016 at 8:26 pm #6912East17Participant
I am in a really confusing situation. Have been married for (detail removed by moderator) decades, but it’s only been the last 2 or 3 years that I started to question the kind of relationship I am in. It had never occurred to me that I could be in an emotionally/psychologically abusive relationship, until little, trivial things were pointed out to me by others, which made me begin to question it.
Rather than living in a gilded cage which others envied, I found myself in the opposite situation of becoming the main breadwinner because he wasn’t well enough to work. I did all I could to ease his suffering and I defended him to others and made excuses for him when they questioned or criticised his behaviour.
I have been battling depression for years and it has got to the point where I became suicidal and am now on anti-depressants and anxiety medication; I thought all the problem was with me. It never occurred to me that my home situation could be a contributing factor. For years he wouldn’t admit that there was anything wrong in our marriage, if there were any problems, it was all my fault. I reached a point where I couldn’t live like that anymore and left. That should have been the end of it, but stupidly, I stayed in contact with him and when I had a personal family crisis last year, he was actually there for me in a way he had never been before, we started meeting and talking and gradually he became part of my daily life again.
However now it has all gradually been turned around on me – I am ‘responsible’ for the state he is in. The ‘stress of me leaving him and what I have put him through’ has made his illness worse. In his eyes he has been nothing but supportive towards me, ‘I am not your enemy’ he tells me. I now doubt incidences and behaviours that I know took place, because he either denies or minimises them, instead I question my own judgement and recollection, wondering if things really were that bad? The guilt I feel is tremendous and although I have not given in and gone back to living with him full time, I can’t bring myself to make a total break either, so we are living in a nightmare limbo world where we are not really together but not apart either.
I know I am the only one who can make this decision – no amount of counselling or talking to a helpline is going to change things; no one is going to rescue me – I have to rescue myself – I just don’t think I have the strength to do it.
1st January 2016 at 8:40 pm #6913KIP.Participant
(detail removed by moderator)decades for me too. All this dysfunctional behaviour is normal to us. That’s why we find it hard to break free as we crave what is normal to us. Do you have a women’s aid worker. Can you perhaps cut back on seeing your husband. Just agree to see each other on a Saturday so you can wean yourself off him. It’s a bad habit and it’s hard to break but it can be done. I was mentally ill for years too. Anxiety and depression. It was all down to him. I just did t believe that the man you married would abuse you to such an extent that it makes you ill but they do. They suck the life from you like some monstrous parasite. Leaving us with no energy to fight back. Half the battle is won. At least you have your own home❤️ Stay strong x he’s controlling and manipulating using mind games. Try no contact. Start with a few days and build up x
1st January 2016 at 8:58 pm #6915Falling SkysParticipant
Im a (detail removed by moderator) too, I didn’t realise what was going on I knew it wasn’t good but I didn’t realise it was abuse till last year.
Everything wrong in my abusers life is my fault, they take no responsibility for their actions.
I started a log of events and conversations because he always denied what he was saying or done and I would question myself. This maybe useful to you.
You also need to distance yourself from him for your own sanity
Good luck xx
1st January 2016 at 9:45 pm #6932TamraParticipant
Im a (detail removed by moderator) decade and as the KIP and Falling Skys has said we dont realise and it is the norm or us so we dont question whats going on a light bulb moment or someone professional points it out. People around me did say he was controlling but I made up excuses and I didnt really see it until much later into our relationship.
As Falling Skys said keep a log it is really hopeful and you can start to piece more things together and if you get divorced it might help with that too.
You are defiantly not responsible for his way of being he is an adult and cam take of himself he did it before he can do it again.
Stay strong and like the others say get some distance and break free.
lots of love xx
2nd January 2016 at 9:43 am #6967Amethyst15Participant
Hi East and others who’ve posted on this thread. Yes totally relate to experiences after decades with my ex, the experience of which is uncannily similar but since leaving I’ve realised the extent of the abuse and how abusers work to type, so not uncanny at all! Like you lived with stress and anxiety for years and thought it was me. Didn’t call what the ex was doing abuse but now know it for what it is. Like you East, family illness brought us back after me moving away. Tactics returned and with it the depression of feeling powerless and trapped. Only way forward is to cut contact(if not totally as minimal as possible). Situation will not change otherwise- you will be to blame and he will claim victim. You will only start to heal when he is out of your day-to-day. I left it way too long because I was terrified of being totally on my own, I’d been conditioned and programmed to believe he was everything. He’s not and I’m still here. It’s been hard but all the pain has been worth it and you deserve to live a peaceful, fulfilling life x keep posting for support x
2nd January 2016 at 10:41 am #6972White RoseParticipant
We’re all long term people on this thread and iI know i wonder at times if I got it wrong. My heart says I did but my head and all the evidence tells me otherwise. Ive neen so close to giving in going back to the easy option of being with him eapecially at my lowest moments and also when I hear he’s struggling. But I don’t as I don’t trust him. He’s tried the guilt trip on me and his children texting gabe kids he’s suicidal then they hear he’s gone away for a week with his new woman. It’s all a game. They do it to regain the control we’ve taken from them and yhey get a kick out of seeing us ground down.
You say you need to decide and you’re right no one can decide for you.
I’m a believer in lists and writing things down when I’m stuck. Pros and cons lists work for me. I might have multiple pros but if there’s only one con I don’t like or can’t handle then it helos me decide. Risk of in going abuse and unhappiness would be a big con for me.
It’s a new year you’ve got the power and strength to change things for you but it has to be your choice. Get support from us and other sources.
Take care. Be safe.
Sending love and hugs x*x
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