I don’t know what to do

[Misty123]

Hi all, I’m new the forum and just after a bit of advice. I’m stuck and ashamed of myself for getting in this situation.
I’ve been with my partner for a while, everything has been going well until he started to show a few signs of anger when he had had a drink. I’ve applied for a ‘Clair’s law’ disclosure which has given me a huge insight into his past and something that I had no idea about. He has a significant amount of violent convictions and reports to previous partners and ex-partners. In hindsight, he has started to control my actions: I’m not allowed to see my friends, if I leave the house, I have to update him (removed by moderator) where I am, he chooses what I wear, insults me, chooses when we are allowed to have a conversation etc. I have always made an excuses for his behaviour and he apologises and blames outside influences.
I’m in a tricky place and I don’t know what to do.
Over time I have lent him a lot of money to help him try and support his children and his family but on reflection, I think that this money has been supporting his drink / drug / gambling habits. I feel so stupid for getting myself in this situation! I cannot afford to just loose the money that he owes me and I am embarrassed for letting it get to this amount. But he would blame me for his ‘unhappiness’ if I didn’t get this money. I do trust that I will get this money back but I’m worried that if I leave him then this could drag on years.
He lives in my house and knows my routine (when I go to the gym, take a lunch break etc). From speaking to the police, his previous convictions have been in relation to ex-partners which shows me that he has been violent once they have split up. I don’t know weather to end things before I get my money back and trust that I will eventually get it. Or wait things out for a few months in the hope that his temper doesn’t get worse and I get the money back.

Please help! Thank you so much

[Lisa]

Hi Misty123,

First, welcome to the forum. Understandably you are reaching out for support and advice so you have come to the right place. As any of the women on this forum will soon validate, you have nothing to be ashamed about and none of this is your fault. Unfortunately, this man has exploited your good nature.
It’s good to hear you have done Clare’s Law and discovered his past to help you understand and put things in better perspective. It’s difficult to know what decision is best to ensure you get all your money back. Staying in such a damaging relationship just cannot be the solution; remember this is a man who completely thinks nothing of taking your money and blaming you for ruining his life if you do not. He takes no responsibility in all this.
The next best step could be to engage in other specialist domestic violence services to get more in-depth insight into your options for a safety plan to leave the readership (and also addressing the money he has taken from you as part of the abuse).
Your local domestic abuse service is always a good start. You can search for your here. They won’t tell you what to do, but will work alongside you in your decisions. This is a free service.
You may also want to get specialist legal advice too. You can ask your local domestic abuse service if they can link you to this, or you can call Rights of Women for free legal advice or Duncan Lewis.
Also, it is clear you have been experiencing financial abuse. The Financial Support Line for Victims of Domestic Abuse is a service specialising in the financial side of domestic abuse. Anyone who has experienced domestic abuse can call for one-off advice regarding debts, benefits and budgeting from the Financial Support Line, or self-refer for ongoing casework on 0808 196 8845 (Mon-Thurs 9am- 5pm): https://www.moneyadviceplus.org.uk/fsl/
I hope this is useful. Do keep posting to let us know how you get on.
All the best,

Lisa

[Author]

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