I don’t know what to do

[anotherlife]

I’ve been with my husband for just over (detail removed by moderator) years, we have 2 children. I’ve put up with loads of temper issues from him over the years. He was nothing like it when I met him and I was young and naive so I wasn’t looking out for any signs (such as his father being an abuser – I thought he knew this was all wrong).

Our life has changed over the years. He travels with work. I have physical health issues and have had an operation (detail removed by moderator), which I’m still recovering from but none of this is visible and people often forget. The last few years seem to have pushed us apart. I don’t look forward to him coming home, I don’t like the person he has become, the way he pokes fun at me if we see friends (like a child showing off, he does it if he has an audience), the way he makes all the decisions and calls the house his.
I’ve lost my job due to our company moving (detail removed by moderator) and now I have no job, no way of getting a job and when I start to recover, I still have health issues that do not make me disabled but will stop employers wanting to take me on.
I can’t see a way forward. I thought we were managing to move forward before Christmas after a make or break (our first real one) but he’s really knocked away at me mentally so often, that I don’t feel any love for him anymore.
I don’t find him attractive and don’t want to kiss him etc. But he hassles me and touches me up and tries to persuade me. I feel like I can’t keep saying no as I’m his wife and I should at least kiss him. I just don’t want to.
I think this is as bad as I have felt. But he’s working hard all the time while I’m at home, it doesn’t seem fair but it’s the same for many families. I have so much pain to deal with. If someone looked from the outside, they’d see this nice helpful man who works hard for his family. But really, I think the children are scared of his temper but don’t know any different. He doesn’t actually shout but there’s a lot more you can do with your voice that can get to someone more than shouting.
I don’t know what to do for the best for the children and me. He was meant to be trying to sort his temper and calm down a bit, but I think he thinks of work nearly 24 hours a day and it makes him agitated. But am I just excusing him?!

If I made a list of the things over the last (detail removed by moderator) years, it would go on and on.
He’ll turn up in a few days though and we’ll all try to carry on again. The kids don’t mention him much when he’s away, I don’t feel like they miss him much.
I feel like I’ve completely lost who I was, like I’m in a fog. Some of it is my physical health and pain but I feel totally worn down. I feel anxious when I know he’s coming back and my heart races sometimes. I’ve even started drinking when he’s away to calm myself and ‘treat’ myself while I try to relax in the evenings. What can I do? Break up the family and have no money, their lovely rooms and lives torn apart? I know some of the answers to that but I don’t know if I can face it.
Sorry for the long essay.

[KIP.]

Start by getting good legal advice to see where you stand. It could be that you are left with the house anyway. Walking on eggshells like you do causes extreme mental pressure which transfers to physical. I’m so much better both mentally and physically now I’m free. It’s better to come from a broken home than an abusive one and I remember my skin crawling when my ex tried to touch or kiss me and how he twisted it round like it was my fault. I pretended for years to like him just to avoid an outburst. It’s no way to live for any of you. Children are very flexible and adaptable. As long as they have a happy mum, they just get on with it.

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