I don't know what to do

[Noslen]

It has been (detail removed by moderator) year since my husband left me, after domestically abusing me. He has moved on with someone else and is having a wonderful life while I am still here scared of my own shadow. I can’t move on, can’t stop thinkibg about him and don’t know what to do. I can’t cope anymore. I have been having councelling and it was working but now I seem to be getting worse. I don’t have the support of what little family I do have, they just tell me to forge what he has done and get on with my life, I go to work and that is it. I don’t go shopping, to the hairdressers, to any clubs or classes, I don’t have any friends. My family have also told me that I don’t ask for help, I just push prove away. I have begged for help and just get ignored. I have tried to report the abuse to the police bit as it is over a year old and I have no evidence, apart from my son and sister, he is getting away with it all. I have now had someone try to run me over and I was followed home after work but there is nothing I can do and I can’t even get an injunction. I am terrified that the stress is destroying me and my health. Please help me, I’m so lost and alone.

[maddog]

Your response to abuse is normal. Have you spoken to Women’s Aid? It is so common to think that an abuser goes on with a new and shiny relationship. As you know, this is a false front. What has happened to you will happen to the next poor person. When you speak to the police, make sure you ask for the Domestic Abuse team.

When we are depressed we push people away. Your GP should be able to help and set you on some path. Victim Support may also be able to help you. They’re really worth speaking to and may be able to answer your concerns about reporting to the police.

Counselling can make things seem worse. Recovery is a rocky road. If it’s the counsellor who is causing the problems it would be better to find someone who is specifically trained in trauma.

You are absolutely not alone.

[KIP.]

How do you know he’s having a wonderful life? If you’re looking on social media it will only increase your anxiety. Any contact whatsoever is toxic to us. The first step is total zero contact. As maddog said these men put on a show but you have seen the real person he is. Keep a journal of any incidents you feel he may be involved with. Dates, times, any witness details. Report your concerns to the police. If you feel you’re being followed ring 999. If someone tries to run you over ring 999. There’s lots you can do. Good trauma counselling, eating healthy, drinking plenty water, exercise, making time for yourself. Mindfulness. Accepting it’s a long road to recovery. A rollercoaster ride. Trauma will leave you exhausted. Going over and over old memories. Lack of sleep. You need a care plan in place for yourself. And support from women’s aid x

[Noslen]

Thank you for replying. I know it’s stupid but I even tho k that nobody here will care, that is what he has done to me. He’s destroyed me completely to the point where I believe that I am insane like he told me I was. I just can’t believe that someone who can abuse a woman in every way and emotionally abuse a child can be allowed to get away with it. My councillor is brilliant, he has helped a lot. I just don’t know what else I can do to help myself. I know it isn’t right but I sometimes wish he was dead, then I flip back to missing him. I feel so so alone and am so scared of the stress killing me through a heart attack or something.
I did try to contact victim support but they have advised the police are right, that I can’t get an injunction and that he will at worst get a caution. But if the police spoke to him he will make allegations against me and I will get in trouble for his lies. He has called the police 3 times accusing me of abuse to him and malisuously called social services 4 times. I wish I could end all this and make me and my son happy and able to move on with our lives.

[maddog]

Please get in touch with Women’s Aid. The Freedom Programme is brilliant and it’s really helpful to be in a room with other women who understand. I think you sound as though you are blaming yourself for his behaviour. It is ‘normal’ for abusers to make false allegations and it is really frightening living in the shadow.

The domestic abuse team at the police can advise you. Stalking is a crime. You shouldn’t be living in fear. Your ex’s behaviour is entirely his responsibility. It is horrible feeling so alone. Well done for reaching out here.

When I first spoke to the police I insisted that they didn’t speak to my ex as I was terrified of what he would do next.

Going through the prosecution process can be harrowing and unpredictable. If the police have him on record at least when he does the same thing to the next person they will have a much higher chance of a prosecution. Also, you may not be the first person he has abused.

[Noslen]

I don’t have proof but the mother of his child dis accuse him of being aggressive and drinking excessively when he took her to court for access to their child. At the time I just thought she was a jelous ex who was a bit mad. Looking back now I am convinced he did something similar to her.

I am completing the freedom programme at home via the books but I have been in touch with them to see when the sessions are in my area.

I am blaming myself completely, I feel like I have let my son down to allow this to happen to us. I even applologised to the police when I reported him for rape. They were really good through my statement but now have told me it will go nowhere and told me to drop it. I was going to go ahead with the abuse report but they would need to speak to my son and after them telling me he will walk away from it all I can’t let my boy go through that, he is traumatised already and I can’t see him suffer anymore. I have tried to talk to my family but they don’t seem to want to help.

[KIP.]

You have every right to make a statement and for the police to keep it on file for other victims. Especially sexual assault as we know there are very often no witnesses however if more than one woman Makes the same allegations it can be used as corroboration. You might find your son wants to make a statement to the police as a way of regaining some control over his life. Of standing up to a bully. You won’t always feel this way. Don’t blame yourself. If you carry the guilt it means your abuser doesn’t have to. If you’re to blame then everyone on here is to blame too which is simply not the case. There is only one person to blame in allthis x

[Noslen]

I do blame myself, even though I know it was him and not me. I think the hardest and most painful part is that I still love him. I have really tried not to but I can’t help but wish he was still here and things were good with us. I keep trying to forget and move on but he is in my head all the time. I have no friends or family to go out with or visit so it is just me and my thoughts day and night

[KIP.]

Try to remember you love the fake him. The fake him who pretended to be loving and caring and attentive. That man doesn’t exist. So you miss the good memories of which I’m sure there were many. However loving that man will not bring you any relief from the pain. Nor will it stop him abusing you. He loves no one but himself and while he’s taking up headspace he’s preventing you from filling that headspace with other things. Slowly disentangle yourself from him. When thoughts of him pop into your head, try mindfulness or try accepting those thoughts and imagine putting them into a red balloon 🎈 and watch them float away. Take back control and block and delete every reminder of him x

[maddog]

You sound depressed, Noslen. Please speak to your GP. It’s so easy to remember the good things. The awful truth is that the good parts were part of a pretence, a false self.

Depression is very isolating and lonely. Women’s Aid will help you as well. Keep posting here.

[Lisa]

Hi there Noslen, thank you for posting and sharing how you are feeling with us. I can see that you have received such great support.

The others are right, you could talk to your GP about how you are feeling. I understand that you have reached out for some support, but if you don’t have any ongoing support in place, you could make contact with a local domestic abuse service, you can find their details here

Best wishes

Lisa

[Noslen]

Thank you all. I have tried to support from domestic abuse sites bit done seem to be getti that far. My father has now upset my son by telling him that I am lying tp him and they are all worried about him. My son is so upset and feels let down, he knows that none of this is my fault, or his own. We have asked my dad for help with various things but he ignores me, now has told my son I have refused help. Unfortunately I am still being treated how I was and am being punished for being abused.

[Noslen]

So I’ve come home today to divorce papers for Christmas. He has deliberatly waited until now and lied, accusing me of being abusive towards him and not paying him any attention. He has managed to ruin another Christmas even when he isn’t here. I am now worried about the lies and I can’t afford a solicitor. I have already tried to get legal aid but nobody will help.

[lover of no contact]

Nosleen, please keep posting here. This is too much for you to deal with on your own. Your son sounds wonderful and seems to have a mind of his own. Don’t let your dad wedge anything between you and your son. I’m a bit uneasy about your dad and family’s attitude to you. I’m hoping they are not abusive too. Or I’m hoping that one of them if abusive by nature (which means they may get their kicks from kicking you when ur down) will not be influencing others in your family against you too. From what you’ve posted I see a few potential red flags with your family. It’s very common with us Empaths (of which you are one) to have had an abuser as a parent as well as an abuser partner or ex. I had an abuser parent. And my abuser parent could influence others in my family against me. Abusers always have their coterie/lieutenants/army/flying monkeys etc. And no wonder you feel like you do if you’re surrounded by all this as well as deal with your abuser ex and his malice. As for the divorce papers and the lies that are written about you..try and ignore his dirty mouth. I couldn’t though when I received them and they were forever in my head. I wish I could have just detached. Keep posting. We’ll try and not let your ex have that control to ruin Christmas for you and your son. Your son is a real God-send. Unfortunately my children were not as loyal at the time. They always side with the bully due to fear and an easier life for them. But they have come back towards me more now as I go No Contact with ex. Your boy is very brave.

[Author]

Posts