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hi guys, ive been here before.im feeling a bit desperate and confused and needed to reach out.my partner has been away for some time and the plan has been to start fresh when he returns. recently things have been gentle and affectionate but suddenly hes become completely convinced that im cheating (despite a history of repeatedly cheating on me, for the record i havent). hes really pushing the issue and swings between rage and upset to acceptance saying im that sort of person and hell let me do it so we can still be together, like hes sacrificing everything. hes also said things that are making me paranoid that he can hear things im talking about with friends, but i dont see how thats possible. maybe im being paranoid but our last exchange left me feeling crazy and completely wrong footed.im really worried about which version is coming back to me and im in emergency mode trying to repair damage and salvage things because i feel like i cant bare to loose him. ive read the books and done some therapy but i cant seem to stop these feelings. im really lost.
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Hi pris,
Welcome back to the forum. I’m glad that you’re reaching out when you need to.
The kind of jealous accusations that you describe are very common with abusers. It forms part of a dynamic of control and fits into a wider pattern of abuse. It’s very usual for the accusations to be followed up with demands around things like what you wear, where you go, what you do, and who you’re allowed to spend time with. There can also be tracking or surveillance behaviours (such as tracking your location via your phone or reading your messages and call logs). This kind of behaviour is about gaining control over you rather than actual worry that you’ve cheated.
While it’s unlikely that he’s been able to listen in on phone conversations with your friends, it’s possible he could have gained access to your social media or messaging accounts. If you’re concerned he’s accessing your accounts, you could start by changing your passwords and you might want to get your phone checked for spyware at a specialist electronics shop. I will send you a private message with some guidance from the National Cyber Security Centre.
It feels like this may be an escalation of his behaviour. I’m not sure if you have any support in place at the moment, but you could reach out to your local domestic abuse service to talk things through and see what they’re able to offer.
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Thankyou Lisa, this is so helpful. I’m replying, in part, to sign post your links and references because it seems like this would be helpful for a lot of people. I’m really stressed today partly because I told people whats going on and now I’m frightened that I’ve ruined everything. He keeps saying that I look down at him and he cant trust anyone. He’s so upset and my instinct is to comfort but I think that it makes me look like I’ve actually done this stuff. Its just sad and I feel so guilty for saying any of this about him. He’s not a bad person he’s just hurt and seems to be seeing everything through a historical lens. I have great friends who truly understand but I love him deeply and am really struggling with what to do. I am rambling and its indicative of where my head’s at. My short term memory is gone and my concentration and sleep have taken a dive. I really just want to get through today with out any more accusations. I’ve muted my phone at least. I’m most preoccupied because I reached out to friends and I want to take it back. Thankyou again for your reply it’s really helpful. I hope you’re safe and well yourself.
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Thankyou stronglife, I appreciate you replying. I think im trapped in cognitive dissonance where on the one hand i have hope and i really miss him and feel horrible that hes so angry and upset and on the other i know that this is escalating and its not ok to treat your partner the way hes treating me and its having a huge effect on me. i hope for change and cling to it but im scared about what happens when he comes back home. i feel like i know what i have to do but every fibre of my being doesnt want to and im really worried about him. i know its text book and i should probably speak to a councillor when i can afford to.i really appreciate the support and i hope you are safe and in a good place yourself x
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