I don't know what to think anymore….it is my fault i think

[ineedaholiday]

Hi all, I spilt with my ex after a number of turbulent years back (detail removed by Moderator). In that time i started a course, made a new friendship circle and life was going ok ish. We recently got back in touch with each other (we have children together) but I missed him so much and had a bit of an emotional heart to heart and for some reason decided we could make it work again. I do love him so much but its more like an addiction.

Now the reason I think it is my fault is because I have got stuck in a rut of drinking more than I would like to be and I am not a great drunk (my parents were both alcoholics) and really it does me no favours. He argued with me after my last two times I have had a drink and apparently everyone thinks i am a fool, he has given me a black eye and spat on me and i have bruises all up my arms. He says if i only acted like a respectable woman without being the messy tramp that i am then he wouldnt be acting like that towards me, he has no respect for me, tells me i am depressing and make his life miserable and people talk about me. Sorry its a bit garbled but do you think that the way i can behave after a drink makes me deserve being treated this way?? I don’t know anymore.

I suffer with anxiety and stress and sometimes i drink to relax and feel confident, but he makes me feel like i am a complete crazy womand who doesn’t know what i am doing. He said he is emebarassed of me.

I feel like i am addicted to him though and I dont know how to permananetly be free or what to do anymore. He doesnt necessarily chase me when we are apart, its me that sends messages to him, but he is always around and constantly ringing to speak to the kids so he is always there even in the background.

[ineedaholiday]

Has anyone else been through this?

[Lisa]

Dear ineedaholiday,

I’m sorry to hear about your situation. There is no justification for abuse. You don’t deserve to be treated like that, because of your relationship with drink.

Your partner shouldn’t be physically or emotionally attacking you, he should be supporting you to be confident without picking up a drink. Alcohol is a coping mechanism like anything else, it is not uncommon for people to drink to alleviate symptoms of anxiety and stress.

Have you had any support from a local DV service? They can refer you to programmes and support you with ending an abusive relationship. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

If you are concerned about your drinking you could access some support around this also. There are support groups all over the country. http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

Being in an abusive relationship is extremely draining and is likely to make you feel more anxious and stressed, than being relaxed and happy.

Best Wishes,

Lisa

[Escaped not free]

Hello. I can’t stress enough that it isn’t your fault. You are using a coping mechanism that isn’t helping but he is taking advantage of that. I had a friend in a similar situation, her husband I’m sure liked her drinking as it gave him an excuse and made others look like she was the problem. I watched what this did to my friend and it wasn’t pretty. You probably feel like you need him to pick you up and make you better but what you really need is to get help to deal with him and then the using alcohol. If anxiety is a big issue, get to your GP and medicate appropriately, it’s much better for you than self medicating with alcohol. Just because your parents did it, it doesn’t mean you have to but it does mean it’s the first thing that occurs to you to do when you need help. I think you sound like you were doing great before he came back. It didn’t feel it but you were making a life. He will become your life again and he won’t help you with the alcohol usage as it makes you vulnerable and easy to manipulate. Please go to WA and your GP. You deserve better so be good to yourself. X*x

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