I dont know what to think

[Anonymous]

this will be garbled because im rushed but if I dont write it down, I won’t manage the rest of the day.

There was an argument. I had tried to converse and this never goes well. Usually I’m pretty mute when we’re alone. Later, I pettily grabbed the duvet and woke him. This is my fault. All my fault.

But then he turns and he goes  (detail removed by moderator) . There’s been no physical contact in months. Then his naked body is on me and he’s heavy and sweaty and squeezing me. And I feel a wave of revulsion and I tell him to stop, I tell him to get off, I tell him to get his hands off me. I push him as hard as I can. I try to use my feet to push him. But he’s too strong and he’s on me and I cant get him off. And I am pushing and saying no.

Then he rolls away and laughs.

There was no rape, no sexual assault.

(Detail removed by moderator)

So that might explain why after the recent event I couldn’t sleep. At all. I was breathing fast. And now I’m rocking and irritable and cannot tell you what I’m feeling. Agitated is the only phrase I can think of.

My husband knew I didnt want the physical contact but continued anyway. That’s not great. Or is it worse? Did he deliberately make me relive my rape? Or maybe this was all innocent? Maybe I’m just exaggerating or a w****o traumatised person?

Whats worse is after this, in front of the kids, he hugged me again and kissed me on the neck. He must have known i didn’t want it. We haven’t kissed in months and I’ve made it clear i don’t want anything.

But my kids were there this time so I couldn’t try and shove him or say no. So I froze. Just like the rape, I froze.

I dont know where my head is at. If I’m making somethibg of nothing. If I’m in danger. I’ve not slept.

Oh god, what do I do???

 

[iliketea]

You are not making something of nothing. He knew what we was doing. I’m not experienced in this area so I don’t know what to advise but I’d definitely say this is abuse, this is a man trying to exert is power and control, this was a warning sign. Can you leave? Are you planning I’m leaving? Can you get a referral to a DA service? Or see your GP and ask advice.
Xx

[Camel]

Hi Sande

Never, ever, downplay your feelings! If you feel repulsed it’s because he is being repulsive.

Grabbing the duvet hardly registers as a ‘wrongdoing’. You were frustrated that he could sleep when you hadn’t been heard. What he did afterwards was a monumental overreaction – he used brute force to frighten and punish you. in my opinion you are right to feel afraid.

At the very least I think you need professional help to process the rape and its aftermath. This is in no way excusing how your partner is behaving. But I feel you need to get back your emotional strength before you can work out what to do next.

Sending hugs x

[Anonymous]

Hi both, thank you for your replies. One day I will work out how to actually link to people’s replies/usernames.

It was brute force, it was power and control and yes, I must be frightened. And yes, I think he saw it as a punishment.

I’m reliving things now that I got over years ago. Things that I spent ages carefully processing. And things I spent a vast amount of money talking through.

Details have been removed from my post, which I understand is for my safety, but my rape was oddly complex – having always imagined they’d be simple, I discovered that theyre not. But I thought id worked through it.

Now my husband’s actions have sort of ripped open all my careful work. I dont want to eat, don’t want to talk out loud and don’t even want my children touching me.

That lack of control all those years ago seems so echoed in my position recently with my husband.

The main difference is how clearly and precisely I said and showed “no”. But even that wasn’t enough. And I find myself wondering the old questions: could I have been clearer? Should I have resorted to violence? Is this really bad or just a misunderstanding?

I need to leave. This is not improving. I had this plan that I’d be in work before I shipped out. But thats going to take time. I dont know exactly how long I can go on. Or exactly what my mental state will be if I do hang on. I just thought I could manage because physically I’m not in too much harm. I want to be able to be unaffected mentally but I cant and I dont know if thats because im weak or if I’m justified.

[Lisa]

Hi Sande

I just wanted to show you some support, I can see that you already have supportive replies.

I am so sorry to hear about everything you have been through and how your husbands actions have understandably upset you. It is not ok for him to do this and he is not very supportive towards you.

You could get some support from your local domestic abuse service if you haven’t already https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ and some support from Rape Crisis.

You could also chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (weekdays 10am – 4pm and 10am – 12pm weekends). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[Camel]

I think you’re expecting too much to be mentally unaffected by what has been going on. And I don’t think having a bad mental reaction is a sign of weakness. Rather, isn’t it a sign of mental strength – your subconscious screaming at you that things are just not right?

It would be good to have all our ducks in a row before we leave. But I wouldn’t imagine this is the norm. Besides, would it be better for you to look for work once your home-life is secure and stable? I don’t know what kind of control you’re under but my ex made it hard for me to commit to my career.

I’m sure it won’t be news to you that the point of leaving is the most dangerous time for abused women. If you can, please contact WA or another organisation for advice on how to leave safely. You sound very strong, nothing like the weak woman you think you are. Don’t let him see this core of steel – make your plans carefully and quietly. x

[Author]

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