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This is my first post
I’m really struggling.
I split from my husband (detail removed by moderator) and the fall out is soul destroying. I started seeing someone else and so I understand of lot of the blame is at my door but also a lot of it lies with him too. It was a very turbulent relationship which began with the death of his parents. His personality seemed to change almost immediately.
We would have such huge rows over the smallest things and he did not know how to direct his anger, his fists have gone trough tables, desks, walls and doors. He would always revert to name calling and in the worst of our arguments he would thump himself in the head or bite himself which is the most horrifying thing to watch.
However, if you were to speak to me, he would say that I have a god complex, I cant be wrong, I have to lay the blame on him and I’m a n********t. Have you tried arguing back with the accusation that your a n********t? you sound just like a n********t!!(detail removed by moderator)
(detail removed by moderator) I worked from home and the other person came to see me for a catch up. On both these days, my husband has driven past my house to see my car there and this resulted in a big argument last night.
There was lots of expressing how I’m a bad person and chosen someone over him. That I’ve taken everything from him and that he has nothing to live for, but ill be ok as he’s checked his death (detail removed by moderator) and it pays out for suicide.
After 2 hours or so he stormed out asking for his house keys back, so I gave them him and followed to go to my car. (detail removed by moderator) There has been radio silence since, but this morning I woke to find his keys through my letterbox.I’m feeling really lost, like I cant move on but also cant go back to how I was. The feelings of guilt are something I really struggle with and I’ve been so upsetting questioning if it really is me that’s the problem. I don’t know where to go from here.
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The fact you’re asking is it me, suggests you are not the problem. Hello and welcome, sorry you find yourself here. What you describe is very common – he’s lost his supply (you) and is doing everything to try to get you ‘back in line’, mostly through guilt by the sounds of it. However when he realises guilt isn’t working he’ll try other tactics – you’re already seeing him becoming violent throwing the cake and threatening suicide.
A couple of things that helped me:
– people break up all the time, yes it hurts and there’s emotions but one party often chooses to leave and even if it’s not what the other wants they accept it – not in abuse. They try to take away our ability to choose, you shouldn’t be forced to stay together just because he wants it
– you’re not his carer. As an adult he can seek out support for loss/grief, for anger, for depression etc. it is not our job to do this and we’re not the reason they aren’t getting that help – they are. If you genuinely think he’ll hurt himself there’s plenty of support out there, call the police to do a safety check.
– the loss of his parents does not excuse his behaviour. People lose loved ones everyday but you don’t see them raging and destroying randomly in the streets. I’m guessing he saved that joy for you at home where no one else could see, and controlled himself in public.
– no you absolutely cannot have a reasonable, logical argument with them. They will never even try to see things from any other view than their own. They also deflect so those insults about having a god complex, being a narc etc, all things he does.
Start keeping a journal if you’re not already so you can record his behaviour. As hard as it is, don’t get pulled into conversations or arguments, you don’t have to explain yourself to him and why your car is there, try to keep communication short and factual. Be careful jumping into a new relationship quickly as we’re unfortunately susceptible to other abusers at this stage.
If you haven’t read them then I’d highly recommend Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘why does he do that’ and Pat craven’s ‘living with the dominator, x
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Hi Biffbird
I’m feeling the same as you mega guilty and i keep almost changing my mind. Why are we the ones feeling guilty?? It should be them.
My husband says he is sorry and says he’s been an idiot. He now wants to stay best friends! I can’t help but feel it is another way of controlling me and being around to keep tabs on me.
I’ve had the suicide threats too and eventually i called the police and suddenly he was calm and ok.
He chucked his pension letter at me saying I’d need that.
We keep thinking of the nice stuff and want to cling to that which is why it’s do hard.
Keep strong ❤-
Look into FOG – fear, guilt and obligation, that’s what we suffer from and boy do they milk it. But recognising you’re trauma bonded, been conditioned over time & need to break learnt behaviours/reactions and that we are addicted to the chemical reactions the highs/lows cause in our bodies all help you realise you’re not crazy or alone and things WILL get better.
My ex also wants to be best friends, you’re right it is another method of control & they’ll exploit it xx
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Benzenering
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I sometimes feel that I’m so eager to “prove” he’s a good person and that I haven’t, for better words, wasted (Detail removed by moderator) and been incredibly stupid, that I agree to things I don’t want too or agree to try again when I know it isn’t right. I don’t know where to get the strength from, but I’m hoping you find your strength somewhere x
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