I don’t know where to start

[Tribez]

Is it abuse?
To put my friends down many times, then say he didn’t say that. To say my friends could not come when we went out, as that was (detail removed by moderator) but his friends were there? Is it abuse that his friends weren’t called “friends” to me, he called them (detail removed by moderator)? To tell my child I was plotting to take her child away (detail removed by moderator) (no, I did not plot anything, he overheard a conversation I had with family over my fears where my child’s behaviour (detail removed by moderator). Is it abuse to have spent hours reading every online conversation I had had with every friend (private conversations about allsorts, health (detail removed by moderator), emotions nothing sinister) I was in contact with on social media? To never mention this to me? Is it abuse to have gone through my phone daily? Is it abuse that I locked my devices? Is it abuse that he told me he hid drugs (detail removed by moderator) in case police arrived (detail removed by moderator)? Is it abuse to be called c*** if I didn’t agree with him? To be called c*** if I were ill or grieving or anxious? Is it abuse that my questions were always taken as me being challenging yet would tell people (detail removed by moderator)? Is it abuse that his children spied on me, was rude at me? Is it abuse that he spoke to my child and my child’s abuser telling them lies and personal family information (detail removed by moderator) which led to grandchildren being taken? Is it abuse that I believe these things (and more, much more) were done so that I could not have my children, grandchildren live safely with me? That I could have a relationship with my family? Is it abuse that I am still resentful and although I have read, searched, remade life he still enters into my brain daily though I try distractions? Am I abusively minded because those thoughts won’t go, does that mean I’m a control freak, selfish because my life imploded and he lives guilt free?

[Lisa]

Hi Tribez

Welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing this, you have described so much emotional abuse and control. He purposely isolated you away from friends and family, which must be so upsetting for you. You are not selfish at all, it is really unfair that you are understandably still affected.

If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open 10am-6pm every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat
service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Take care and keep posting,

Lisa

[Eggshells]

Hi Tribez

Welcome to the forum.

Yes, yes and more yeses. This is a whole lot of very serious emotional and psychological abuse.

I’d strongly recommend that you read a book called “Living with the Dominator” by Pat Craven.

Understanding the breadth and depth of the abuse that you have been subjected to can be one of the first steps to recovery.

You are not a control freak or selfish. It sounds like you may be struggling to cope with the enormity of what you have been through. That is totally understandable and perfectly normal. You are perfectly normal – the abusive relationship wasn’t.

Unfortunately, trying to distract yourself will only work for so long. It will just keeping bubbling up to the surface and you’ll exhaust yourself trying to push it back down.

There is lots of help available when you feel ready to begin processing it. The forum is a great place to start as is the WA chat line. Both can offer you support and understanding as well as point you in the right direction to find expert help.

[Author]

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