I don’t know where to start

[unhappyagain]

I’ve just found this website. I’m not sure what I am doing here really. I feel like a traitor. My ‘husband’ is laid on the sofa snoring and I just want to run away.

This has been going on for so long. I don’t know what is normal and what isn’t. I feel like I am making mountains out of mole hills compared to everyone else.

I met my husband and for about 6 months everything was ok. We lived together after about 2 months. Big mistake. It started after about 3 months of living together. If he didn’t get his own way he left. For months. Occasionally coming back when I was at work. Then he’d get in touch and I’d let him back home. We married. After that it happened time and time again. Nobody knew. Well his family didn’t mine did. He left his kids here, teenagers. Anyway, after about (detail removed by moderator) I found out he’d been seeing his ex for months and when I sent for his phone bills he had been ringing her since they split up before me. I forgave him. Or should I say he forgave me as it was my fault he said. He said I didn’t get on with his kids. They were all teenagers and ran riot. He couldn’t be bothered with them. Eventually they moved out. Two went to live with their mother and the other is (detail removed by moderator) and he is paying for him to live in his own flat with his girlfriend – my husband pays for everything.

Anyway every few months he finds something wrong and leaves. Only now he goes for a couple of days then comes back as he has done now and doesn’t speak. Well he does when he comes round and I’ve given him the space he needs. He says he is getting his own house and is going to start looking for other women. I wish he would.

Last night I slept in the spare room as I was crying all night. I kept getting palpitations and having panic attacks. Why? It’s madness. Surely other people put up with a lot worse.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. Last night he took my car keys. I tried to get them out of the cupboard so he twisted my arm. Then he threw them at me and went to bed. Today he is being nice. I feel like a teenager yet I am not and that’s what scares me. Starting again at my age.

Moneywise I gave up my job years ago at his request as he said he wanted me to have it easy and he would pay for everything. It was a nightmare as I went without money if he was sulking. Or if he left I had hardly anything – only what I managed to save up in a drawer in case he left. I decided to retrain so I could fend for myself and have been in a decent job for about a year now. Although he tells me I should give it up. I retrainsd so I could afford to leave him but still haven’t when I could pay for my own house. But now what? Am I being pathetic. If I am please tell me and I’ll say sorry to him

[duvet]

Hi unhappyagain,
I am no expert but would suggest you contact the helpline, I did and they were really good, giving me advice and support about what I need to do and letting me know about support that is available locally to me. I completely get what you are saying about not knowing what is normal anymore but what you describe is not normal. I too have said sorry so many times for things I really thought were my fault. You are not being pathetic far from it. Good on you for re training and having your own income.
The helpline also talked to me about the tactics people like this use, including being really nice and saying they won’t do it again.
Please keep yourself safe and think about calling the helpline
Others have talked on this forum about getting this logged with your GP or other services too. if you are getting palpitations I would suggest this might be sensible.
Take care

[unhappyagain]

Thank you duvet.

I don’t know what a helpline will do really as I know it is down to me. I feel ashamed of my life. I never know where I am from one week to the next. We arrange a holiday but then he either sulks and we don’t go or we say we will go out with friends but we can’t go as he’s left. So I try to avoid things so I don’t have to explain what’s going on.

Surely if I go to my doctor he will say leave and then what more palpitations. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel ashamed that I’m not leaving when I can pay for myself now.

I wish I knew what to do

[unhappyagain]

He never says he won’t do it again as he always says it is me who makes him leave or want to leave or stop paying for things or not speak

Sorry for going on and on I’m just particularly down tonight

[Lightness]

Hi unhappy

It sounds like you are living in a horrible situation with a man who is controlling, angry and abusive.
Living with these men makes us feel unhappy, but as well as that it is very damaging to us in ways we don’t realise. They manipulate us and brainwash us and put our nervous systems into overdrive which is very unhealthy. It is no surprise you have heart palpitations because your subconscious feels unsafe. You sound as though you feel your situation isn’t that bad but that is denial – your brains way of protecting you and a coping mechanism.
I really think you should call the helpline. They will be able to help you see things more clearly so that you are in a better position to decide what is best for you.

L x

[unhappyagain]

Thank you L x

[duvet]

Hi,
Sorry to hear you are down, I think his behaviour towards you is abusive and controlling and by saying it’s you who makes him leave it’s controlling again, putting the blame on you. The helpline won’t tell you what to do but will support you, alert you to risks and point you in the right direction to make a real and proper plan that protects you. I know from my experience that it’s almost easier when i am persuading myself that everything is OK. The other way that the helpline will help is because you are not alone.

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

Def dont give your job up, thats your financial security. He is controlling you and messing with your feelings, thiss disappearing for a dew days then walking back like nothing has happened is disgusting, again a tewsting game that they play, how far they can oush us. You seem to be very low at the moment which is natural, their behaviour is enough to leave us drained and tearful. I really think u need support to help you make a plan to leave safely. Wouldnt we just love it if they did perm p**s of find some one else and leave us in peace, but then they never do that they prefer to taunt us to make us lose our self respect and keep taking them back. already he is testing his boundaries by twisting your arm, taking your keys and hiding them.

You say u would feel embrasssed to call the help line, i tell u hun, they are their to help ladies and so understanding,just tell them your scenario, how u r feeling and u need support . They will refer u to agencies that can help you. everything is confidental, when we are with these abuser we feel so stupid cause of how we are allowing them to treat us, but we need support to get out , even if u just need to cry it out hun, call the help line to get the support u need

[unhappyagain]

Thank you for your kind words everyone. I try to understand my logic for staying in the same house as him. I’m scared of not been able to cope on my own but then i think I’m not coping with him there. I worry I won’t have any money even though I have a decent job. He says he’s putting the house up for sale [detail removed by moderator].my house used to be important to me but now I just want peace.

[Lightness]

Hi unhappy

My advice if he is selling the house is to go to speak with a solicitor. You don’t want the house money going to him when I assume it is 50% yours.
I also suggest you get a good support network in place who you trust and who you can confide in and who can help you at this time that you are extremely vulnerable. I know you’re strong but you deserve support.

Lx

[Lightness]

PS you are scared of not being able to cope without him because he has purposely made you feel that way. Lies lies lies. Being with these men is like being in a parallel universe of his making. It’s not reality – it is a dark place -a prison to keep us stuck.
The longer we are with these men the more they erode our self esteem. Your heart knows that what you need is peace as only then can you heal and see the reality which is you CAN cope and do so much more.

Lx

[Anonymous]

Unhappyagain
I got my own house a few months ago. Im on extra medication for bad anxiety. I find that sometimes I do take them at the same time some nights. Although there is nights where I dont take the meds to later on, depends what your mood is like on that day personally speaking. They do help my palpitations and panic attacks. If you are not on any meds, get an appointment with your GP and tell them, you need support for your own mental health. Also ring the W.A. helpline. Its good for you you are working. Try and keep your mind active, though it is hard sometimes. x

[Lightness]

Re meds – I took these specifically to help me leave as my anxiety left me unable to stand up at times. Once I left and got to safety I stopped the meds and now I take one every 2 months or so if I have something particularly stressful to do (beta blockers). What I personally would recommend against however is taking the meds and then staying in the relationship as the meds will temporarily mask the damage being done to you. The body gives us panic attacks to tell us there is something seriously wrong and unsafe about our environment and it will shout louder and louder until we take notice and get ourselves safe.

As blue says it is great you are working because you are able to react with people who live in ‘the real world’ and it is great for your self esteem and independence.
Lx

[Confused123]

Hey Hun

start getting legal advise where u stand and what your rights are, beat him to his own game, you think u cnat cope on your own, i thought the same but u can hun, we just bfocus on the worst scenarios of what could happen. He is sensing thathe can use the house to stress u out, keep reaching out to us and we will try and guide you, callthe help line first and explain yoru scenario, call solcitiors and get free 30 min advice

[unhappyagain]

Thank you again everyone. I know really where I stand legally as I saw a solicitor a few years ago. It makes me feel ill leaving but also ill staying. I try to keep myself positive. It’s difficult to talk to anyone about it as they have heard the same thing over and over. Not that they complain. Drs might be a good idea although I don’t want to take something just to avoid my feelings and not deal with things like you say.

I have been seeing a counsellor for a while now and this has made a real difference and is probably the reason I can cope at work. I could go and stay with my sister as she is very supportive but I can’t seem to make the move. He refuses to talk to my sister just because she told him off for lying about my whereabouts which sent her into a panic.

You’re right about the house. He has threatened to sell it for the past (detail removed by Moderator) years. I feel he does use it to get at me.

Thank you again xx

[Lightness]

Hi Unhappy

You sound like a very resourceful and strong woman. You have survived horrible circumstances and you manage to continue to work. You have seen a solicitor, engaged a counsellor. You have friends you have confided in and a very supportive sister. You have done so well.

I feel that you want him out of your life and I feel that you feel stuck. You know it is hard to stay and hard to leave.

Abusers have ways of keeping is feeling stuck by trapping us in their reality and undermining our confidence, despite how resourceful we are when we really look at the reality.

What do you want for your future? What do you think might help you achieve that? If you allow yourself to envision a lovely future of freedom what might that feel like for you?

Keep talking here – you can tell us over and over and we will keep listening and standing by you

Lx

[unhappyagain]

Thank you lightness

I want a normal future. I want peace. I have a little dog and I imagine living in my own home alone and being happy with him. I thank you for saying I am resourceful but sometimes it makes me feel worse as though I have no excuse to not leave when I have everything in place. I’m worried I won’t be able to cope alone. My sister said I can live with her but it’s not fair. My decent job will get me by financially but only just. He has done so many things to hurt me over the years I know he has but I still stay. Everyone thinks he is great, friendly and outgoing and he is to everyone else. He has been married before but she threw him out when she found out he had been seeing other women. I only recently found this out. I keep berating myself as I only find negatives in him

[Author]

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