I don’t know who he is.

[phantasmagorical]

My friend and I have been going over the details of my relationship with my ex. The outcome was valuable but has made me feel more unease that I don’t know what kind of a person my ex is.

I’d noticed for a while that he seemed to be getting thinner, and there was less expression on his face and in his voice than usual. He had an extremely reduced response to my distress, which would freak me out at times as I’d be looking at his completely flat expression and listening to the monotone of his voice, and wondering how or why he couldn’t elicit an emotional reaction to me and the situation.

We looked over some pictures he’d sent me, as I’d felt at the time he was forcing a smile, in the sense he was smiling with his mouth but not his eyes. But most of the pictures he is very blank. I was startled one day by a picture he sent me, as his eyes were just staring and he looked completely lifeless. My friend remarked that there is nothing “there” behind his eyes. I’ve felt this very strongly in myself, to the point I said to my ex one day that I felt he’d been replaced by someone else.

His patterns of speech and behaviour have been shifting quite drastically over the years, and inconsistent.

He has mentioned depression but not gone into it. I don’t know if what I’ve been seeing is the flat affect of depression, or something else, like I came across affective poverty on the internet.

I know I shouldn’t be trawling through our old messages, but I just want to understand. Around the beginning of our relationship he says to me, like he’s afraid he doesn’t have what I have and that he’ll hurt me. Also that he has deep-seated emotional problems and self-loathing, and that his self-loathing in particular will make him worse in a relationship and dangerous? He voiced concerned that he was a bit of a psychopath as he struggles with feelings, but doesn’t pay the thought much attention.

Either I’m really naive or blind, or quite dismissive, I’m not sure. I thought he was being over-the-top and I wanted to help him, and thought I could take care of him / make him happy. I guess I never took him seriously because I saw him as inherently good, and perhaps too keen to diagnose himself with something.

I do think he has a lot of anger towards himself. He had a way of turning things around in an incredibly subtle way to make me feel I was losing my mind, but at the same time, there’s plenty of occasions where he seems to take accountability (in words only) but then nothing changes.

He would apologise over and over again for doing the same hurtful things (promising me the world, then withdrawing, then silence). I ended up angrily rejecting his apologies because they did not feel sincere, and he would say them without a trace of regret in his voice?

I know whatever state his mental health is in does not excuse treating me as he has done. His language in the messages is very confusing and many times seems normal(?) and even like he cares, so I don’t know what that means at all or what to make of it. In fact, a lot of the time he seems like a victim of his own circumstances, always hating on himself for hurting me but not changing anything, and certainly not being honest with me.

I just feel now there’s something really wrong with him. Last night I felt a little bit scared just thinking of his eyes; they looked so cold. Then I felt incredibly sad, not just for what I’ve lost (even if it’s been a lie), but for him…like underneath all this hurt I still care for him and want him to be happy. This is the kind of motivation and care I had in bundles at the beginning, and I think that meant I worked incredibly hard to sustain the relationship in a mental and emotional sense.

[Healthyarchive]

It can be really easy to over analyze and try to figure them out. I always come back to the basic, easy to understand statement, ‘if a man truly loves & cares for you he will do anything to be with you and make things right’. My ex hasn’t done that so i’m clear about him and my future. I don’t think that you should waste your brain power by trying to figure him out. I wonder if he is spending his time thinking about you and caring how you are? As the time goes on this will all smooth out for you. I tried to figure my ex out for months, at some point you will stop trying to do this. X*X (I am having a calm, relaxed Saturday night, the only mind game I have is working out what to have for dinner) X*X

[phantasmagorical]

My mindset is fluctuating a lot and I feel very weak right now. I’m trying not to approach the big tangle of confusion and to just let it fade away. I’d like to think he’s a caring person who is thinking of me in some way, but I sense so much contempt from his actions recently that I doubt I’m featuring much on his radar. Holding out for the day I just give up on him.

[Serenity]

It seems he knew who he was and what he was capable of, even back in the early days.

The look you describe- look up the term ‘reptilian stare.’ My ex had that vacant look in his eyes too, and it was most pronounced in the last couple of years. It’s a clinical deadening of emotions, like all that’s left is a coldness. It’s horrible to see.

Like me, you tried hard to ‘rescue’ him over the years. But it was dangerous for us to be there: your guardian angel has saved you by getting you out!

[phantasmagorical]

I have a feeling he knew more or less how dysfunctional he is, as well. I also suspect he hasn’t been entirely open or truthful about why his previous relationships broke down.

Now that I can see how completely vacant he was / is, I can’t believe I expended so much energy trying to get him to feel and be expressive.

[lover of no contact]

I know exactly what you mean by the vacant look. The eyes became black, there was no light in them when he was abusing me very badly verbally and emotionally and he had full control, his movements were calm. I have seen the similar dead eyes in my abusers at work. They are lifeless. I believe that is because there is nothing behind the eyes. They are empty. They are devoid of empathy and emotions. They do not fear (like we do). The only emotions they have are fury, jealousy and hatred. Their fury is ignited when they are not getting their way, when they are not getting their needs met, at perceived criticism. (Removed by moderator). 

I too have seen in the photographs that my abuser smiles (very widely) but it is forced. His smile does not connect with his eyes. The smile is forced . It does not come from his heart.

[phantasmagorical]

That’s very true, I have seen the dark-eyed look in him as well. I’ve been quite disturbed by his eyes for some time now. He is also very lacking in animation, like is barely expressive in his bodily movements.

I feel alien to him…I think he has serious problems trying to relate to other people on an emotional level. Everything seemed so shallow.

[Author]

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