I don’t know who I am

[AlwaysSorry]

I don’t know who I am anymore. I told him all the pain I had gone through in life only for him to side with the bullies even calling me the same names they did as I was growing up. Some of my earliest memories are being bullied, not belonging. I’ve been abandoned a lot, he knew it was the biggest fear I had. I just wanted him to know that some things hurt. I guess I was trying to establish boundaries. He was so very understanding at first. I always felt I didn’t belong anywhere, that I was a mistake. He made me feel like I wasn’t for a while. Until the abuse started. I still can’t pinpoint the exact moment it started, but he did have me stop talking to a friend within a couple of months. And I remember things he said and did in the early days where he would later completely switch, like how he could only respect women who didn’t put their cleavages all over Facebook. And years down the line he was constantly zooming in on his female colleagues photos where yes, there was cleavage. I wasn’t allowed to wear clothes like theirs either.

I don’t know who I am without him. Everything was him. Packing his work bag because he was running late again. Anticipating he would forget where he had put his keys so I could have them ready for him. Making sure he always had clean work clothes. Listening for hours to him telling about his work day, not breaking eye contact. Watching him play his console and cheering him on, knowing full well what would be in store if he wasn’t playing well. Making him dinner that was never good enough, having lunch ready for his work. Doing all the food shopping but never being allowed to drive or use the car for it. Taking care of all his brown envelopes. Making sure to always get the right tissues for him. Worrying when he was at work wondering if his work friends would tick him off and I’d be on the receiving end. Again. Worrying when he was out and on holiday with these women. Worrying for his safety. Worrying if tonight he will come home and grab me under my night shirt while I pretend to sleep. Again. Letting him play his console at night in the bedroom because otherwise I’d be controlling, even if I wanted to sleep. Being woken up by doors slamming and porn on loud speaker. Showering and lying down on bed waiting in the position he told me to while he would shower. Being inspected by him afterwards with him saying (detail removed by moderator). Only acceptable answer was yes. Him hitting me then hitting himself and me getting the frozen peas for him. I wasn’t allowed any. Trips to A&E where he made sure I knew the story to tell, he never left my side when in hospitals. Him blaming it all on me and I believed I was the problem, I had always been out of place. Me begging him not to kill himself, him telling me I should kill myself. I always said sorry. Him calling me fat but gym was too expensive and working out in the flat was not allowed – the police would have to remove me and he would no longer be able to live with me if I continued, he said. Diet not allowed, too expensive. Not being allowed to window shop. He would yank my arm until I would walk an appropriate speed. I always did have to hold his hand. I was always scared, always worrying, always missing him even when he was right there. He would tell me he loved me many times. It was a rule I had to say it back. His last words to me were those 3 words and as always, I said it back. Everyone I’ve told the last bit to have said he only did that to get me to stop reporting him. It hurts that they might be right.

I don’t know who I am because all I was, was his. I dont know why I miss it so much, cause I was in pain for so much of it. It’s like if he at least did love me, it would have been okay to miss him. I told him I would want marriage and children, I don’t think that will ever happen for me now. I don’t enjoy anything, not even things I used to enjoy before him. Nothing feels good. I lie in bed and I cry. I sleep when I get too exhausted. I just wanted love, someone who always has your back. I feel like a giant mistake and I’m so ashamed. I think I’ve just been abandoned too many times now, I just can’t see anything. I wouldn’t leave much behind anyway.

[Overcome]

Oh my, this is so heart breaking to read, Always Sorry! You are right when you say that you’ve lost your identity, I can understand why you feel like that as you have put all of your hopes, likes, wants and needs deep down inside so you can be perfect for him.

You are doing the right thing though! And in time you will look back and wonder why you put up with it for so long. I can’t wait to feel like that.

Take care of yourself now, do what makes you happy, find yourself again! You deserve it x

[diymum@1]

hey always sorry – i wanted to send you a big hug i know exactly how your feeling. im the same i still to this day feel like little girl lost if someone rejects me or hurts me. i think thats only natural though. yove obviously been through an awful lot! he completely controlled you by the sounds of things – i do think this is one off the worst forms of emotional abuse too. To know your feeling vulnerable and use that is just very very low of him. you wanted to appease him by the sounds of it – to have a quiet life we do anything we sacrifice ourselves i know i did. i can remember always looking forward to christmas because on that one day he would ‘act’ normal well kind and i craved that. i realise now i was so conditioned any little crumb from him was savoured – i was so starved of any good treatment. they rob us off ourselves and that takes along time to find again. i really need therapy for my abandonment issues this goes really deep dosent it? its actually indescribable that fear its terrifying. it sounds like he very much played on that and you like me fell into the wrong hands probably because our boundaries were set quite low. i will be the first to admit that. the only thing we did wrong was wanting to be loved and we cant be blamed for that xxxx

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi AlwaysSorry

What you went through is absolutely heartbreaking, it makes me angry too, how could he treat you like this, like you were his servant, his emotional punching ball, it’s absolutely not right and I hope he rots in hell for what he did to you!

A good exercise to feel better right away is to think of three things you are grateful for right here right now. The first things that pops in your mind. Do this exercise often and you’ll notice some days or some hours you’ll find it difficult to even come up with one but others you will have a list of ten things within seconds.

Maybe what can help you rediscover yourself is to set up a white board on your wall and as time passes by you can write down different interests, just words or drawings of what matters to you to slowly rebuild your identity.

Please do call samaritans for a chat if you feel like talking, just reach out as much as possible to get you through this tough patch. It does get better! You’ll get through this.

You’re such wonderful person darling, so full of love and caring for others, so articulate, an incredibly beautiful woman, intelligent and strong.
You will find you the way back to yourself I promise. Step by step. Breath by breath.
Care for yourself by taking a nice bath or shower, water running down your head relieves a lot of stress. Hot cup of tea is helpful too. Listen to your favourite music. Take it easy and rest well.

I want to send you a big hug too, many many hugs, it will get better 💞 keep posting sweet honey

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