I don’t know who to talk to

[Scaredtobelonely]

I’ve been in this relationship for (detail removed by moderator). It’s never been perfect but it’s been passionate and I’ve fallen so deeply in love but I don’t think it’s healthy anymore. There have been signs from the start. Signs that he likes to be in control, has a short temper and generally doesn’t care about other people much. But he always cared for me. That is until recently when I started noticing changes in his behaviour toward me. The positive things started to disappear, leaving only the negative. He stopped being happy to see me, kissing me goodbye in the morning, being romantic or taking me on dates. I honestly think he loves his Xbox and phone more than he loves me. I have made a list of all the behaviours, old and new, which I think are psychologically abusive and it’s pretty long… My head is telling me to leave but my heart can’t bare it. My whole life is about him and the house we rent. We dreamed of a future; marriage, house, kids and now it feels over.

List:
– ignoring me as punishment
– Shouting and being angry suddenly rather than talking properly, letting it build up to the point where anything I do or say will set him off
– Ignoring me/ getting annoyed when I cry
– Slapping my butt in public when I’ve asked him not to
– Not respecting my possessions when I’ve asked him to – taking, breaking or not returning things and never asks in the first place
– Thinks he can take/ use anything that’s mine because we’re family but he knows I like respect and my personal items mean a lot to me
– Dismissing my feelings and saying ‘you’re not right’ rather than caring about how I feel
– Threatening to leave if I don’t change (things like wanting him to ask to eat my food) yet telling me that he can’t change if I complain about something small like the toilet seat
– Repeatedly doing things he knows I don’t like such as leaving clothes on the floor
– Not helping with any cleaning ever, giving the excuse that I’m the one who doesn’t like the mess so I should clean it
– Constantly owes me money yet still spends loads on himself basically spending my money
– Constantly on his phone, Xbox or tv when I’m around and ignores me if I talk to him while he’s doing this
– Could spend hours talking to his friends yet find nothing to say to me
– Asks me to do things for him all the time like get a drink or cook food when I’m clearly already busy cleaning the house and washing his clothes
– Rude at my parents house on his phone constantly asking when we can go home
– Doesn’t think to ask me before making a decision like having people over or buying something for the house
– Speaking in his language with others and refusing to translate something/ lying about what they’re saying
– He often hurts me when he’s trying to joke/play because he’s rough and doesn’t believe that it hurts because it wouldn’t hurt him
– Ignoring something I ask him to do or not to do because it suits him, he won’t do it simply to make me happy
– It’s always somehow my fault if I’m upset or if he’s annoyed, he can’t take responsibility and thinks he’s always right
– He never apologises, even if I do manage to make him say sorry it’s not sincere more like ‘I’m sorry you’re upset but you annoyed me’
– Doesn’t respect my need to sleep if I have work early he won’t come to bed with me, would rather drink and play loud music with friends all night
– Doesn’t treat me like his girlfriend anymore, no gifts, flowers, dinners unless it’s an occasion

What do you think?

 

[coffeelover]

A lot of his traits are the same as my partners. He too was amazing, loving, kind and generous in the begining. Niw I genuinely feel like his unpaid housekeeper. It’s not acceptable and it grinds you down and you start to blame yourself.
Yesterday I said to myself no more and told him, he did the usual blame it all on me then when I mentioned selling the house he started being nice. Today I phoned an estate agent who’s coming on (detail removed by moderator).

 

 

[coffeelover]

Sorry I had to press send quickly as he’s here.
My situation has been going on for (detail removed by moderator) and I’ve been at this point before and backed down but nothing ever changes because he feels he’s not doing anything wrong.
I, like you thought we’d grow old together but I have accepted the fact we won’t now, I’m extremely upset about it but I know I’ll feel better in time and I can’t go on like this, you only get one life.
I reached out to a friend today and that really helped. Can u tell a friend / family?

 

[Chestnut]

Hello, really feeling for you here as many things you describe are things that I started to piece together and gradually built a picture of something that was not right. I felt they were small things at the time but when you write them down (I did like you did you really start to see what is happening) so well done for doing this it will really help as you may need to go back to this list if you start to doubt yourself. Things that match yours ignoring me as punishment, making me feel bad if I cried it if I was physically hurt as if I had inconvenienced him, play joking with things that actually physically hurt, not respecting my things but going nuts if I dare interfere in any tiny way with his belongings (often literally totally moving all furniture while I was out and leaving all of my belongings thrown out on the floor etc for me to tidy up when home from work and then getting annoyed if I was upset as he was doing me a favour!),him saying sorry but you were benign a nightmare etc as his form of apology, will make decision without asking me about the house but I wouldn’t dare, repeatedly doing things I don’t like (I felt ultimately this was to get a reaction and make me anxious and upset). There are many more from your list. Some differences he would clean (as long as it was the bits he wanted to do). I felt I was going crazy but listing really does help. I struggled and still do to call it abuse but I would say it is based on all the reading I have done. Most people do not try and make you uncomfortable, dismiss your feelings, disrespect you and your belongings. You are in the right track here I feel. I have split up, the house is now being sold. It feels like a huge loss at times as all the dreams I had are now nothing but seeing lots of things in the future that I am looking forward to. I think the stage you are at comes as a shock, get talking reading, get some support. Sending you a big hug!! X

[Chestnut]

Sorry for my awful spelling, the forum does not work well on my phone but hopefully that makes sense x

[Chestnut]

Just to check were you saying he eats your food without asking? Not sure if that is what you meant. Mine would every meal time grab food off my plate and eat it. On own just very strange but was another thing on a long list I used to have sit with my hand over my plate.. no joke was ridiculous

[Scaredtobelonely]

Thanks for your replies. I think I know that if things don’t change I need to leave. I’m pretty convinced from the things I’ve read on here that it is abuse. I’ve tried talking a little about it with a friend but not mentioned that I think it’s emotional abuse. I just can’t imagine my life without him or think about him with someone else

[Chestnut]

Hi you will get there with this. There will come a point where you likely feel that being out of this is better than being in it. There will likely be lots of back and forth feeling need to leave but love him. You will know when it is right for you. For me it took years but the signs were there from the start. We have one life! To be in a healthy relationship I think it is important to feel strong on our own first and sometimes to do that we need to trust that we can be on our own and be happy, there are lots of lovely people out there who would not treat you this way. Keep that list safe and add to it, like I said when you are doubting go back to it, one day you will likely say no more this is not right. X

[coffeelover]

Yes I agree with Chestnut. I have just got to the stage where I feel I can leave, it’s been (detail removed by moderator) of back and fourth, he’s lovely for a few weeks then starts being horrible again. I still love him and it will hurt when he gets with someone else (which I know he will as he can’t be alone) but I do not want to be treated the way I am by him, it’s not right, it drags me down and makes me feel awful. I deserve better. He doesn’t understand what he’s doing is wrong so will never change.

You will get there, keep posting and reading on here for support, I find it really helps. Maybe talk further to your friend too.

 

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