I don’t like myself

[Lost lady]

I feel such a failure, i’ve wasted my whole adult life with him and had children with him ‘to make things better’ after many years of trying (and being called ‘(detail removed by Moderator)). But things didnt get better after he just uses manipulation all round. I can’t see a way out anymore, i don’t want to be with him but every time i get close to leaving, panic sets in and i start feeling sorry for him. Deep down i know i can’t fix things, i did think this for many years but i know it will never get better, he now calls me a n********t. I’ve doubled my anti-depressants and still feel on edge and having panic attacks. I am so scared, I need to be strong for the kids, they deserve so much more than this
I spoke to a solicitor last week for advice and she said i have been emotionally and financially abused but said she thinks i need to get therapy before i do anything as it is a hard thing even when two reasonable adults separate and i am his cash cow and do too much for him. I do this to keep the peace and to keep things as calm as possible for the kids
I just don’t know what to do anymore, i don’t feel like i can get peace if i stay or leave at least staying i can protect the kids more and try to give them some consistency
I’m waffling, i don’t even know what i’m trying to say , just dont like ‘me’ any more for being weak

[nbumblebee]

You are in the right place all you have said yep me too.
I hate myself and will never ever forgive myself for staying when I should go I just cant.
So here you can waffle all you need we get it.
Sounds like you are taking some tiny steps and thats all you can do. Maybe explore the possibility of a counsellor i wouldnt be here without mine. Nothing about this lofe is easy and whether you leave or like me stay it helps to talk.
Stay safe xxxx

[Lost lady]

Sorry you feel the same, its such a horrible feeling isn’t it
Glad the therapy is helping you. I did see a therapist (but it was for PTSD after a family suicide) but she picked up on the abuse and we ended up talking about that for another few months. Her advice was to distance myself from him emotionally and build a life for myself, and i have tried to do that for the last (detail removed by Moderator) years but i always get dragged back into it all and really feel like i am back to square one
You too xx

[nbumblebee]

Yeah again I get this too.
The only advice i can offer is to read learn about the cycle learn about how others feel as it helps to hear other stories so you know you are not alone. Talk as much as ypu can do you have anyone outside that you can confide in?
You really dont have to do this alone. X

[Lost lady]

I had been talking to my sister but she told me last week she can’t do it anymore as it frustrates her that I go round in circles but won’t leave. 😢

[tiredofitall]

Hi, I definitely relate to how you are feeling. I was so ashamed of putting up with his behaviour that I didnt tell any of my friends or family. I knew that they would expect me to leave and I knew I couldn’t face it. So I stayed stuck in that daily hell for a very long time.
Lots of things happened that eventually gave me the strength to leave. Our child asked me why I stayed when it was clear he didn’t love me. Bit of a wake up call – because I had thought they didn’t really know everything. I also thought they would be devastated if we split. They weren’t.
He treated me so badly on a special birthday, I could no longer deny how little respect he had for me and my feelings. I became aware I was hoping that he would leave me. We were all such different people when he wasn’t in the house. I was financially supporting us all and it dawned on me that I would be able to support myself and the children. I just had to get comfortable with him hating me for doing this to him.
I held fast to the fact that he could support himself – he just didn’t want to.
I had couple of periods of therapy when we were together – to try and help me manage living with him. He never had any. I had some after I chose to end things too. That helped a lot in terms of helping me visualise my future and remember who I was and what I wanted. And also to forgive myself – for not being capable of doing what I think I should have done. I just wasn’t ready until I was.

[Lost lady]

So happy for you finding the strength to leave .
I support the family , he doesn’t work , well he does on and off but packs them in when something upsets him
I asked my eldest how he feels when his dad shouts at him and he said it doesn’t bother him as he’s used to it , then he said it bothers him when he shouts at me and the younger son 😢
I just hope I can find the courage to get out of this one day , I can
Handle him hating me I feel like he does most of the time but I’m scared of causing my boys more pain xx

[tiredofitall]

You are so strong to be living like this every day. My ex was the same with work – he couldn’t keep a job because something always happened (never his fault). He couldn’t get on with anyone who managed him – he always knew better. He justified not letting things go by saying he had high morals. He never gave any consideration to the pressure he put on me by jacking in those jobs because he felt like it. Just always took for granted that I would provide and keep things going. Which I did – for the children’s sake. He was surprised when I ended things. I think he was comfortable in the life I was providing and outraged that I would ‘do this to him’. He still does not take any responsibility for this actions.
Your son might not think he is affected by his dad but how can he not be? One of mine doesn’t talk to his dad – he hurts him too much with his behaviour. He is waiting for the day that he accepts what he has done. I’m not sure that will ever happen but hoping with some time and distance to heal they might be able to have some kind of relationship. The other does and has a decent relationship with him but it still happier we are not together anymore and is happier managing their relationship without the pressure of living with him.
It took me a good few years to get used to the idea of being on my own so that when I did make that choice I was mentally prepared. I’m not a rash person and I desire security so it felt like i was always better with what I knew because I could cope with that. That’s what I had been doing all those years. It felt safer to stay with that and i didnt know if I was brave enough to cope with anything else.
I just dreamed about the future. What it could be like without him, got used to the idea that there was no love or respect left, that it was ok to put myself first. When he kicked off, i stopped excusing it and just reminded myself that it wasn’t right. Doing that over and over for a long time, eventually gave me the strength to think that a new life could be better and I could make it happen. After all, I was running the house, working full time, raising kids and dealing with his c**p. I imagined if I did all of the above without the c**p.
Just keep on coming on here, posting when you can, reading other people’s stories. xx

[Lost lady]

Thank you tiredofitall, it does give me hope when I read about all the women who have got away from them
Sounds exactly the same , he lasts between a week and 18 months and is fine as long as no one criticised him or tells him he is wrong or hits on women 😫. And no it’s never his fault , nothing is he twists everything so he is the victim
I accepted he would never change about (detail removed by Moderator) years ago and made friends and tried hard to ignore him but he just pushed the boundaries constantly
I planner on leafing when the kids are both 18 but it’s more and more difficult tolerating his behaviour
Sending love , you are so brave xx

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