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CW for mentions of drug use, and SH (not on me)
(detail removed by moderator) And for me personally, I’m at a point in our relationship where I need to end things and move on for my own mental well-being. This is only my second relationship, and I’ve never broken up with anyone before, and I feel like I’ve been putting it off for far far too long.
We don’t live together, and we currently only see each other on weekends because of my work schedule. (detail removed by moderator) ATM lives with his parents rent-free, and I pay all the additional in our relationship – dinner, drinks, petrol in the car, etc. He has a drug addiction (detail removed by moderator) and often will prioritise getting his kicks over doing literally anything else (our days revolve around when his next smoke will be, and he refuses to interact with my family nowadays bc he can’t smoke around them) but refuses to admit there is any sort of a problem. He has his own mental health issues and has frequently said in the past he would kill himself without me. Like this guy wants to be married with babies, and he can’t even hold down a job or go half an hour without being stoned like what?!???
When we argue, he gets very defensive and aggressive, he’s broken doors in front of me before (detail removed by moderator), however, will get very over emotional, and has a tendency to use me as the sole savior for his mental health. Since the first Covid lockdown, he has yet to socialise with a single one of his friends, literally the only times he leaves the house is to either, meet me, his dealer, or his benefits officer. Sex life is nonexistent, atm I don’t even enjoy kissing him or basic PDA. I have been using every excuse in the book not to be physically intimate with him (which yes IK makes me a terrible person)
TLDR I am f*****g miserable. Feel like I’ve wasted the (detail removed by moderator) of my life. I have friends happily married with babies who met later than we did. I know it’s bad to point out what we see on social media, but when all your best friends are out traveling and having fun with their partners, it gets draining. I just want to be happy yanno?
My therapist agrees it’s a bad mindset to keep things the way they are out of fear of rocking the boat, but I just feel so numb as to what to do and how to do it. I need things to change for my own mental well-being, but I just feel powerless to do it.
It’s mainly been pointed out to me by fellow strangers online, that there are a lot of red flags for mental and emotional abuse in this relationship. But I have no idea how to get out. I have lost contact with a lot of close friends, between both my relationship and covid, but I am now much more aware of the need to reach out to a few people for support.
I just, I don’t know how to end it. I personally do not feel comfortable sending a text, and if I went over to his parent’s house, I would be somewhat unsafe, as the front/back doors are locked at all times. I was thinking maybe going for a drive someday, preferably somewhere not secluded, explaining that things are no longer working, and I don’t want things to continue, then either letting him make his own way home or driving him back depending on how the situation pans out. It’s the only thing I can think of?
I’ve never been a person in a relationship who has broken up with someone before, nor did I ever expect a relationship to lead me down this path. This is my second relationship, and I was the dumped party in the first. And it’s awful that I’m continuing to let myself be miserable because I do not know how to break up with him without further ruining his mental health.
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Hi StrawberryMae,
First of all, you’re not responsible for his mental health. You wouldn’t be ruining it by leaving. It’s abusive of him to put this on you and to say things like he’d kill himself without you. It’s a common tactic of abusers to make their partners feel like they can’t leave in this way, including by threatening suicide. He’s an adult and responsible for seeking support for his mental ill-health himself. It doesn’t sound like he makes any effort to do so which indicates it suits him better for things to stay how they are.
You’re not a terrible person for not wanting to be intimate with him. You don’t owe him intimacy by being in a relationship with him. Perhaps you don’t feel safe enough to be intimate or the abuse means you’re not sexually attracted to him anymore, whatever the reason his behaviour is such that you don’t want sex with him. I think most women here would recognise feeling this way. It’s maybe telling that you feel you need to use an excuse with him when, with a non-abusive partner, a no would be enough with no need to explain yourself.
It’s good that you’re thinking about your safety when breaking up with him. The fact that he’s shown physical violence in anger by breaking doors does increase the risk that his behaviour could escalate to assault. Leaving is a dangerous time as abusers do not like their power and control to be threatened. Could you meet him in a public place, like a coffee shop, so that there are people around the whole time? I know you mentioned losing touch with friends but is there anyone who could be there to support you if you needed? When deciding about giving him a lift back, be aware that he may mask his true reaction in public and that could change in the car, potentially putting you in a dangerous situation. Your safety is more important than his comfort.
You could contact our Live Chat service (available every day) or your local domestic abuse service to talk further about a safety plan for leaving.
Take care and keep posting,
Lisa
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