I don’t think I’m ever going to be ok…

[soconfused2]

I am in the process of divorcing (but still in the same house). My head sort of understands that some of my husband’s behaviour has been emotionally abusive and controlling. Mainly involving the silent treatment, blaming me for things, not apologising, criticising me as a mum, saying I am abusive…

I have had support from my local women’s aid and counselling. I have read so many books about emotional abuse, my solicitor has said his behaviour is horrible, my family and friends and really supportive of me. I’m doing all the self-care things…

But I still feel so bad. I took the kids away for a little holiday and felt bad my soon to be ex was missing out. I question whether I overreacted. I wish I had tried harder to get him to understand. I wonder if its me (he ignores me now, which makes me think he’s grey rocking me…) I’m sad about when I don’t see the kids because they’re with him.

I just don’t know what more I can do to feel ok. I feel like I’ve tried everything but I feel sick all the time, can’t eat, feel guilty, can’t think about anything else.

It’s been many months now. I’m so scared I’m going to feel like this forever.

Any advice would be really welcome.

[Mellow]

Please speak to a g.p you may need medication.honestly I am a few months out and I still think about it all.if I can’t cope with this I may speak to a g.p cause I don’t feel like I’m moving forward

[Bananaboat]

I think a big part is because you’re still living in the same house, I did that and you’re living in limbo. It’s also all abuse without the nice part of the cycle – good days just become days he speaks or doesn’t intimidate.

Once you get your own space I think it will improve, at least I hope it will for you – it has for us. Only once I was out did I really see how bad things were and that tension begin to lift. Yes you’ll miss the kids but it’s good to have you time too, but you won’t believe me just yet, and that’s ok. Fear, obligation and guilt is very real and you describe a lot of guilt, again that’s because he’s still in your day to day life. Push to a new beginning and don’t be afraid to keep reaching out for support xx

[Eggshells]

That’s a really good reply from Bananaboat.

I totally agree that being in the house with him will make things much worse for you. Once you are in your own safe space and your lives are more separate, things will become clearer.

It’s good that you took the kids away. The home environment will be stressful for you all and whilst an abuser would have felt very sorry for himself for not being included, the break will have been good for him too. You will both need to get used to not being involved in family activities and, once again, it’ll be easier when you are out of the house.

I lived with my ex through a large chunk of the divorce process. Honestly, without exaggeration, it nearly killed me. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone but especially not to anyone whose partner is abusive.

It will get better once you are out. xx

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