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Sorry in advance for the length of this post…
Firstly a little history. My husband and I have been together a long time now. Half of the time we’ve been together, we’ve been married and ever since that day our relationship has gone downhill.
Up until last year, I made excuse, after excuse for his behaviour because I was still in love with him. He would put me down in front of my family, he would make it obvious that he didn’t like spending time with them all, I would have conversations with him in my head before speaking just in case whatever I said would upset him and when we would fall out he would slam his hands into the cupboards.
I do everything in the house, fix things, paint things, cook, clean, rubbish, recycling, gardening etc and up until we agreed that I should stop working when we had our daughter (detail removed by Moderator) years ago, I worked part time too – but I have always been ‘lazy’ in his eyes because he works full time and earns money that I could never dream of earning.
I only started to realise what our relationship was when I fell out of love with him (detail removed by Moderator). Why? Well, he had a seizure and I thought that I had watched him die, right in front of me. He turned blue, his eyes were open and I thought he was dead in our living room, on the sofa. My world ended in that moment. I had to pull myself together, then pull him onto the ground. He was breathing and I managed to put him into the recovery position. It was absolutely terrifying. For both of us. You see I was emotionally intelligent and unselfish enough to realise that. My husband however couldn’t. I was terrified of it happening again. I lost 11 pounds in one week. I couldn’t eat anything. I started drinking, heavily. After he had two further seizures both of which I witnessed, I went to the doctors and told them how I felt and what I had been doing. They advised me to self-refer myself to the mental health team and seek help. My husband was very peeved. How on Earth could I be so badly effected by what happened. It had happened to him, not me. And that was the moment I realised. He really couldn’t care less about me. He was so completely wrapped up in himself. I started to realise that I do everything for him. When he was put onto medication, very time sensitive medication, it was me, who set up the alarms on my phone for him to take it. When he couldn’t remember if he had taken it. It was me that went out and purchased the daily pill box so it wouldn’t happen again. It was me that went online and ordered him a medical ID bracelet just in case it happened when I wasn’t there to help him. And slowly but surely I realised that everything I had done for him over the years and did for him and our daughter every single day meant nothing. I was lazy. I sat around all day doing nothing. Not that I seek an accolade for what I do but a vague acknowledgment wouldn’t go amiss. I feel guilty asking him to do anything. He works you see, he brings in the money, that’s all he has to do to feel he is doing his ‘bit’.
Lets not even get started on our ‘love life’. I can count on my hands how many times we have had been intimate in the last 3 years, yes, you read that correctly, THREE years. That started dwindling the year after we married. For a few years, I tried hard to get him interested again but there are only so many times a woman can be rejected before she gives up completely. I blamed myself initially of course. It was me. I was ugly and fat. And yes, I have been overweight now and again but not always and whether fat or slim it didn’t make any difference. I feel like it’s a chore for him and to be honest eventually I didn’t want to do it either anymore. After all when it feels like he’s having to do it, just to appease me it kind of takes the thrill out of it anyway.
We fall out a lot but mainly because his anger comes out of nowhere. I can just ask ‘are you okay?’ because I can tell by his face that he’s upset for some reason and he will bite my head off. The other day we had a big fall out in the car because I didn’t realise that the child locks had turned on the passenger side door and needed to let him in. I was so ‘self absorbed’ that I wouldn’t even think of about it. Seriously!
We sleep separately a lot because he has major tantrums about the nights when I occasionally snore and wake him up. He can’t seem to fathom that it’s not something I can just fix. These things I could just about handle BUT he’s started being unpleasant to our daughter. She’s (detail removed by Moderator). She has bad days where she tantrums and he tells her she’s nasty and horrid. It only came home how dreadful this was when my mum pointed it out, having witnessed it on holiday and she asked me ‘could you ever imagine your dad saying those things to you?’ and no I couldn’t.
I am so lost. I read on mumsnet today that if a couple has problems they should sit down together, and allow each other to speak uninterrupted for 20 minutes, listen, process the information and discuss it. However, he refuses to see any problem, I mentioned this idea to him and he said ‘what so you can s**g me off for 20 minutes and I don’t get to say anything because I don’t think there’s anything to say’. He is totally indifferent to my feelings and I don’t know where to begin to fix things or manage to leave with no job and a (detail removed by Moderator) year old. I’ve even told him that I don’t love him anymore and there’s no reaction at all. What is going on!
Thanks for listening x -
I can see some similarities here …. just to let you know that there are others out there would feel the same as you. I just called the helpline today, and my local outreach service, and feel very reassured to know that there are people there who understand at a time when I feel like my head is being messed with by my husband. Hugs xxxx
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Hello there. What’s going on is you’re married to an abuser. Can you contact your local Women’s Aid? Or ring the helpline to speak to someone. There’s a great book called ‘Living with the Dominator’ by Pat Craven. It doesn’t matter how much you do for these men, they will change the goal post. It will never be enough. It’s not even about that, it about him being able to abuse you and get away with it by blaming you. It’s total brainwashing. He will never change but you can. You can realise that you deserve better. Look after yourself and your daughter because he’s proved he can’t. X
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Thank you both for replying. Sometimes I think I’m going mad. He’ll say ‘I wouldn’t say it if I meant it’ and I think then why would you say it at all? He never, ever apologises, even if he didn’t mean it. He just changes the subject and pretends that it never happened and if I want to discuss it I’m just ‘being aggressive and after an argument’. If I stand up for myself, he says that I’m being too sensitive and shouldn’t raise my voice in front of our daughter – but it’s okay for him to treat me like that in the first place. I don’t want my daughter to think this is okay and normal because I don’t think it is. I live in a (detail removed by Moderator) and he works from home so he’s always here, it’s hard to seek help. It’s good to talk to others. I’m sorry we’re all here though x
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Totally understand the “I only say it cos I don’t mean it” .. I get that lot… after pretty much every insult which he sees as a joke. Never ever ever apologises even if I am visibly shaken – all my fault for being selfish apparently. Told me off this week for shouting at the kids to go to bed (after I had been up the stairs 7 times while he sat on his backside and he had been out all day on a walk) and told me to “give the poor kids a break”.. which is very rich indeed, bearing in mind all the foul language he has inflicted on them. They sound like they would get on really well!!!! Be strong and gather as much info as you can from here, and similar sources xxxx
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Hi , help me please and welcome to the forum. You are in good company here, all that you have said is typical, classic abuse. Have you read the book by Lundy Bancroft, why does he do that , it is very enlightening and explains so much of how abusive men work and their tactics,it is available from Amazmon.
These Men have no compassion for us at all , they can only think of themselves and how things affect them. the advise from mumsnet is for NORMAl relationships , these man cannot hold a rational conversation they will take no responsibility for what they do and its immpossible to point out their faults to them , they live in denial.
Re intimacy , it is classed as sexual abuse denying an intimate relationship, I also have in the past experienced being told what a effort he has mad for and not to expect it all the time. I dont give him the chance now !
He is now upsetting and affecting your little Girl now, he is most likely jealous of her as he is not getting your undivided attention anymore, this is what happens they have to have your world revolve around them in everyway but even that is not enough.
Try to find the space to call the helpline , you may well be ableto get a WA worker to meet up with you in secret to support you.
Keep posting and reading onhere it will strengthen you. They are so indifferent to our feelings and it really hurts, they only see themselves, we dont count. Take care sending you a hugxxxxx
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