I don’t trust this person

[PorcelainGrrrl]

Hey,

I hope this is ok to reach out on.

I’ve been seeing someone for a month now and my mood is highly effected by whether he’s blowing hot or cold with me.

I can’t help but, notice behaviours that pair with love bombing and coercive control. From the day I met him he opened up to me about my life trauma, if it’s true his past is extremely harrowing, and I could understand why someone would have such a hard time letting someone in. He used to be a drug dealer when he lived in (removed by moderator) and was abandoned by his mother in (removed by moderator) when he a baby and moved to the UK when he was (removed by moderator).

But the affection and compliments have been so over the top, he was drawn to me in a class I teach because of my energy, it felt like De Ja Vu and he thought to himself ‘I was the type of woman he could see himself being with’. I don’t know how he could know that about me when he barely knows me yet. We will go from non-stop texting, he’ll tell how he’s told everyone (detail removed by moderator). He’s not said he loves me which I feel a bit relieved about actually. He has made a joke about his (removed by moderator). But I deliberately only see him on the weekends because it’s only been a month.

My concern is his inconsistency, he disappears. He disappeared for a day and I was worried sick something had happened to him. When he reached out the following day he didn’t apologise and, I put a boundary in place and said that was unacceptable and he took it on the chin and made a bit more effort to reassure me.

I’m sorry if this is an overshare but the first time we slept together he stopped because he felt like he was worried he (removed by moderator). So I was like ok, then lets wait until you don’t feel that way. And then it just kind of happened after that.

I left his the next day, and because I’ve had my wits about me, I told him I would be out of contact today because (removed by moderator). Now that day (removed by moderator) had let him down, and I’ve noticed when other people he expects to show up for him don’t, he does this disappearing thing, where he’ll cut contact with me. It had the previous week because he needed help from someone to (removed by moderator).

I don’t know if it’s in my head but, I’ve noticed that this withdrawal and disappearing correlates with either one of two things, and I’m not sure which of my theories is right: 1. It’s when other people let him down as I mentioned and he goes in a dark place 2. I’ve recently noticed if I’m less available, this behaviour seems to follow. But it feels like a bit of a leap and it’s highly possible it’s got nothing to do with me.

I’ve been a victim of these sort of tactics so many times before, and I’m firmly divided between two hypothesis – 1. being that this is all the symptoms and tactics of a love bomber, he’s so attractive and that makes me nervous because I have never had someone that attractive but, also so conversational approach me before, it all feels a little bit too good to be true when it’s good and it makes me feel awful when he disappears. 2. I’m the problem, because I feel so paranoid and I’m having a difficult time navigating the high highs and low lows of this, after so many years of being let down by someone and attracting people like this into my orbit, plus my life feeling absolutely miserable before I met and I get high off attention, and become incredibly anxious and depressed when he disappears because it’s always meant something bad in my past, maybe it’s me.

Anyway I wanted to share this somewhere. Today he’s not contacted me and I feel so very anxious and unfunctional. I hope my sharing doesn’t trigger anyone.

Many thanks

(removed by moderator)

[Hereforhelp]

Hey, I wanted to comment as have read your post before it gets edited (any personal details will be removed for your own safety, to keep you safe)..

It does read as love bombing… what jumped out at me is him telling you about his own traumatic past as that is a major red flag aa you habe only known him for a short time, it is the quickest way to gain a Trauma Bond, also him telling you what (removed by moderator) sounds like he is already thinking along those lines .. also, how your cat will be loved? .. how he impacts your anxiety levels is real… what I mean is his words and actions aren’t matching up.

Him saying he didn’t want to hurt you (removed by moderator) when about to be intimate is a Red Flag, he is responsible as to whether he choses to hurt you or not so why is he making a point of claiming to worry he will hurt you.. it sounds like he has used these sort of phrases before…
Him disappearing, the way he treats others all come in to who he is.

It is early days and there’s no rush, are you comfortable with him and how your relationship is forming? If not maybe write down what you are feeling uncomfortable with..for your own reference.

When you say he goes into a dark place when other people let him down what does that mean? How does that make you feel?

He doesn’t sound consistent or reliable?

Keep posting
HFH ❤️

[Bananaboat]

I agree with HFH. It reads like he’s dangling a carrot just enough to keep you hooked, vanishing then enticing you back after his poor behaviour. Mental health is not an excuse. Regardless of any label you are in the very early stages of a relationship and he’s displaying red flags, but more importantly you feel uncomfortable. You need to feel safe not bouncing from highs to lows at his beck & call.xx

[Texas]

Hi,

This was exactly my recent experience. All red flags. Get out as quickly and safely as you can.

[Author]

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