19th February 2016 at 9:15 pm #9969
I am (removed by moderator) and don’t have children ect to complicate things like some poor women so I almost feel stupid writing here.
Nevertheless if you don’t mind, I’d just like to use this as a way to tell my story as I don’t feel there’s anyone I could talk to about what I experienced.
I was (removed by moderator) when I met him, and because I couldn’t live at home I stupidly moved in with him straight away. He was obviously nice for the first few months, and it’s unbelievable how subtlety he made changes to control me without me even realising.
It took to until months after we split up to realise it was emotional abuse when I watched some women talk about their experiences on the TV. I broke down in tears because the first few years of their storys were nearly identical to what I went through, luckily I got out before things escalated.
“Why are you wearing makeup, who are you trying to impress”
“That dress makes you look like a s**t” “your friend is a s**t why do you hang around with her” little comments that chipped away at me. “S**t” was his favourite word. I was a s**t if I did anything. If we got into a fight he would text and ring my mum, she has only recently told me the extent of the lies that he would tell her. He text her made up sexual story’s about me and saying he was “worried” about me. That my pictures were posted on the internet. That I “enjoyed” certain things. I am still so embarrassed because I don’t know who else he told these malicious lies to. He kicked me out once because I couldn’t explain how I got a bruise on my arm, which made him asume I had slept with someone else. He went through my phone. Told me that my work friends weren’t my friends they were my colleagues, and even that I didn’t have any real friends. I had to have an oporation and was bed bound for a while and he told me I’d noticably gained weight. The job I worked was rediculous hours and he would keep me awake with his acusasions to the point I was completely exhausted. He once said that a man told him I’d been seen taking boys back to the flat. I confronted the guy who suposidle said it who denied it, and he then told me he had made the story up. He kicked off when i spoke to any males. I slept with him to stop him from shouting at me, and then he would say “I know you hated that”. I thought that it was all me. I thought i must be too flirty, and I believed that I had no real friends.
Over a year later and I’ve he’s out my life. I’m happy with everything and I’m even going to university next year. Everything is amazing now and im so happy hes gone.
The only thing is i struggle trusting men completely. If a man aproaches me at a bar or tries to dance with me it just makes me so mad. I can’t help but think how dare you touch me or invade my space. My dad has always had a short temper and had the tenancy to be violent towards me so I have no relationship with him, while the rest of my family see no problem. I don’t want to let these two men control me and ruin my young years but I feel like men are just untrustworthy and greedy. The ONLY men in my life have caused so much damage.
I don’t want that pathetic excuse for a man to win. He would love the fact I isolate myself. Am I being silly and how do you move on
19th February 2016 at 9:33 pm #9973Falling SkysParticipant
Well done for realising that he was abusive and getting out.
I am not ready yet to trust again to have a man in a relationship but I do have friends that are men. I do get very nervous when men start chatting me up, I’m like a rabbit caught in the headlights.
Time is a great heeler and I read that it takes two years to get over being in an abusive relationship. It would be worth you attending the Freedom programme which gives you insight to why they do it and you can give you knowledge to spot abuser in the future.
I have joined groups and am getting to meet new people without the stress of dating, don’t worry in time it will happen. And as I say I don’t hate men just abusers.
19th February 2016 at 11:29 pm #9981
Thank you so much for your reply and your advice. It’s so good to hear things do change and get better and you’ve experienced that yourself. A freedom programme is definitely something I will look into. Thank you again for taking the time to reply to me
19th February 2016 at 9:55 pm #9975lover of no contactParticipant
Wow cory you are amazing and so aware and mature for your young years. I’m so glad you managed to get out of your abusive relationship )its an extremely difficult thing to do. It took me decades to get to the stage you’re at and break free from my abuser husband. He caused a lot of emotional damage to me and my children over a long period of time. I’m so glad you saw it for what it was, an abusive relationship, not a normal, loving relationship.
So glad you posted and shared your experience with us. It will help many women who are in the process of trying to break free from their abusive relationship. And you said it, you want to heal from this and you don’t want your young years ruined because of him. A book I’d recommend for you to read so you can spot the ‘red flags’ of a potential abuser in the early stages of dating is ‘Jerk Radar’ by Stephen Mc Crea. He is very aware of the true natures of abusers and the book is excellent.
Because abusers use the strategy of charm initially, so it taps into our normal desire and need to be cherished and then when we’re hooked emotionally in the relationship do their true colours show, the nasty, abusive personality that wants ‘power and control’ in the relationship. where they will use ‘fear tactics’ to keep us there.
And where there’s fear there can never be love.
19th February 2016 at 11:36 pm #9984
Thank you so much for your kind words. I Feel like I can finally see things a bit clearer and it’s such a relief to finally talk about it. I’m so sorry to hear about your own experience, but youve shown it does get better and life does go on. Such a relief to finally discuss this, I’ve been looking at Jerk Radar on amazon and it looks so interesting I will definitely have to order it!
Thank you again xx
20th February 2016 at 3:25 am #10000SerenityParticipant
You are very mature for your years.
If anything positive is to come out of your experience, I hope it is that you experienced send understood it early, and have the rest of your life protected by your undetstanding and knowledge.
I read an article by Dawn French one which had stuck with me. She said her darling father, when he caught her dolled up to the nines for a night out, didn’t ground or slam get. He just gave get a lovely little talk where he said that it wasn’t worth giving things to anyone unless they truly respected her. That she was precious, and woe betide any man who didn’t realise that.
You are valuable and precious. Only allow those near who treat you as such xxxx
20th February 2016 at 8:39 am #10003LisaMain Moderator
I’m really happy that you have been brave enough to join this forum and talk about what you have been through and how you feel. Everyone’s experience and story of domestic abuse is important so please don’t feel like you can not tell it just because you are young. You have come so far already and like Serenity said, respect has to be earned.
Don’t pressure yourself to do anything you don’t want to or meet a new man. Just enjoy learning about what you enjoy and making friends. University is such a wonderful place for that. Men will come in time. I also agree with FallingSkys, maybe the freedom programme would help you to understand a little more about abuse and how to spot the signs so as to avoid this in the future.
It’s great to see that you have already had such wonderful support. I am sure you will offer just as much wisdom to the other women on the forum.
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