I dream of a cottage

[Serenity]

I dream of a cosy cottage one day, with cats around the fire and art easels constantly up, projects in progress with a lovely garden full of flowers and magical hidden nooks, and where I can escape. Hopefully, I will have steered my boys through childhood and they will be ok. They will come to visit me, with their own families, but I will be able to rest If I need it. If my illness is bad one day, I can take to my bed, like a queen, not have to struggle on through, exhausted!

I feel I am on the front line today. Unfortunately my mum has got into a bullying mode again, as she does once in a while. It’s like a cycle, but quite along drawn out one.

I’ve been socialising too much: I still get panicky at times, and I think I’ve overcome it. I was speaking to a person today, and all I could think was ‘I know you’re a perpetrator.’ It’s tiring, knowing more about people than some do. You’re always on the alert, wary of signs.

Sometimes, I feel out of synch with this world.

I’ve also sent some information to Child Maintenance to prove his vast lies. I am a little worried how he will react when he finds out I am not letting him get away with things.

I suppose I’m just tired. It’s exhausting, trying to negotiate life, and people.

Do other ladies have others in their lives who try to make them into something they’re not? The women in my family are all forceful, loud and dominant. They think nothing is wrong in being controlling. I am so different to them. But I wish they would just leave me to be me. I don’t even want to be like them, because I am born as I am and believe in the gentle approach.

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Serenity, I am sure that one day you will get the cottage that you have spoken about. It might be helpful to remember that your involvement with your ex was a mistake & only one part of your life. You are moving onwards & upwards and have many exciting things scheduled for the future, you might not know what these are yet. Yes I have a tendency to think everybody is abusive or not quite right. Hopefully the more you mix with people and the slower you take it in getting to know people (potential partners i mean), those worries should lessen. It is good that you sent info to the child maintainance, though this is bound to affect your emotions as its a form of contact or link with him. Are you sure he will know its you who reported him? Sometimes life is a struggle, even when we no longer have an abusive man. I’m having to contend with 2 bullies at work who are worrying me, I have to find a way of dealing with it without getting upset. I have recently come across some new reading on narcisstic relationships that I found interesting, I will send them to you via PM as you might like them too. X*X

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