i ended things (detail removed) but i dont know if i can stick to this

[pris]

Hi everyone,
I posted a few days ago after a week of awful accusations and constant verbal abuse from my partner. If he was here I have no idea how far it would have gone (he’s crossed several lines of abuse but is out of the country at the moment). I embarrassed myself by crying in public when someone kindly asked if I was ok because it was the first gentle thing I’d heard in ages. He started being nice again when I shut down and couldn’t talk any more and I needed it so I took the brief honeymoon period and hoped for things to get better, then I found out about yet another woman and told him. Hes convinced I’m cheating (I’m not and never have. We split for a few months a while back and he is obsesssed with who i slept with during that time). He told me I’m (detail removed by moderator) and that I (detail removed by moderator) and am trying to hurt him. He says I’m leaving to (detail removed by moderator). The thing is I can take the abuse and Ive forgiven cheating but I honestly can’t see him this upset and I feel immense guilt.

I realise this is all textbook. I’ve done the reading and I’ve been so stuck in an alternate reality where he is victim and I just need to make him feel appreciated and loved enough for him to find self worth and feel secure enough to feel better and just enjoy our life together……all of this spun in my head (detail removed by moderator) so after another round of circling conversations I said I can’t go on. I’m sitting here in shock and don’t really know if I can keep this up when he gets back. I’ve told a friend everything as a kind of insurance-I’d probably never be able to see her if I went back now. I have a few weeks to try not to speak to him. Everything in me wants to make sure he’s alright and fix this. I’ve asked for a consult with a councillor. Does anyone have any advice about what to do during the first few days? I’m relatively lucky because he’s not physically here yet. I wish he was.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Pris

Yes, it does sound as you say, that it is expected that you’d be feeling this way. However, that doesn’t change how hard it is to deal with.

If he truly cared and loved you, he would protect you by staying away until he could trust himself to stop abusing you. Your job is to keep yourself safe until all feelings of guilt/longing are gone. Do you fully know that he does not feel guilt about his actions? …and that this isn’t love? Hence your breaking down into tears when someone has shown genuine care and love for you by asking gently how you are. This is what love feels like, caring, concerned. His behaviours are all in pursuit of control, and when you left he had to try all different possiblities to regain control, whether that be blaming, accusing, shouting, crying, begging, promises of better (which experience has shown you are lies). He banking on you being pulled back in by these acts of his.

You have done very well to keep distance and now you need to withdraw all sources of contact, like blocking him on SM, his number on your phone, and does he know where you are? If he does and calls round you know that you don’t have to open the door to anyone you don’t want to, right? I made this mistake also, big time.

The trouble is, the point you are at now, can be the most risky in terms of his behaviours escalating, because of the loss of control of you. He has to also control who you might be talking to, and telling about his abuses, and he needs to stop you, and the only way, is, like you say, to prevent you seeing anyone and trap you indoors again, under his control.

Abuse is enough to truly drive a woman into the arms of another man who seems someone that could ‘save them’ from this hellhole, but evenso, most women I have come across have never cheated, but their partners have!

Stay strong, you have been so strong to get to this point, and the hard work of grieving and facing loss of what you thought would be is a separate process for you to go through alone, with support of real friends and those who understand. He’s an adult and not a child that you are responsible for.

We’re here for you.

warmest wishes

ts

[Footballfan1]

Hi Pris,

Please be kind to yourself.
You haven’t done anything wrong.
They shift the blame onto us, they blame us for their abusive behaviour.
They call us abusive.
It’s all just lies and gaslighting.
This is the beginning to recovery.
He will try all sorts of tactics to get you back.
Stand your ground.
Going back usually makes the abuse escalate.
Standing your ground also leads to escalations, but with the right support from authorities, friends and family, you can free yourself.
It won’t happen overnight.
The road to freedom is stressful and mind frazzling, but I can speak from experience, I’d rather be on this road to recovery even with all it’s problems than stuck with my abuser.
Take care and keep posting x*x

[pris]

Thankyou both so much for your insightful, kind replies. I really do appreciate you and i think this is the most alone i’ve felt since this all began. for now he isnt in the uk but we lived together and his things and work equipment is all here waiting for him. i said i would keep it safe and hand it over if/when he returns. i put him on mute and he actually blocked me on other platforms as a punishment last week so heres very little chance of contact over the next day ow two. the last message was just incredibly sad and is making me worry about him but im trying to remember the awful things hes been saying even this morning. i cant seem to hold on to constructive anger yet. just loss and grief and guilt. i think its one day at a time for now and i obviously need to make an effort to try not to isolate over the next week(im bad for that). anyway, i hope youre both keeping safe and i really an grateful for your comments. its awful that youve been through this too but i feel less alone and delusional about things. xx

[Footballfan1]

Hi Pris,

You are not delusional.
You won’t feel the anger at this early stage.
I found it came a few months later, once I’d been alone long enough to process the abuse I was subjected to.
The first part you will feel guilty and sad.
The abuser uses these emotions to guilt trip us into taking them back.
The sad message he sent you is just a tactic, to get into your head.
My ex sent me lots of thoughtful, lovely messages when we split.
It was heart wrenching.
He had never said anything like it when we were together, I couldn’t understand why he was only saying these things now.
It was just a tactic to break me down into taking him back.
When that didn’t work, he got aggressive and went back to his abusive ways.

Him blocking you is also a tactic.
My ex kept blocking me then unblocking repeatedly until I blocked him for good.
He’s trying to give you the cold shoulder to make you crave his contact, and to punish you for ending the relationship.

If you are able to stand your ground, they usually show their true colours again when they don’t get their own way.

Your right, don’t isolate yourself, hopefully you have someone you can confide in?

When he comes back to get his work things, make sure you are not alone.
You should have someone else with you, to make sure there are no escalations and to ensure you are safe.

Xx

[Hopingforabetter2023]

Hi Pris

I’m new on here.
I managed to get my ex partner to leave (detail removed by Moderator) ago.
To make sure it was final I called the police a few days later to report him to make sure I wouldn’t ask for him to return.
I only managed to do this due to close friends holding my hand.
I’m still finding everything hard and want to know how my ex is but I can’t allow myself to call him.
I have blocked him on everything.
It’s the only way. Zero contact.
I don’t know about your circumstances but my ex has bail conditions and these have kept him away.
But his family are hassling me for contact with our son who is very young still.
Lean on your friend for support.
If you cave and get back together I’m sure your friend will understand and be there for you whatever.
The only thing that has helped me is keeping busy.
And time.
Although it still doesn’t seem real to me yet.
Let us know how you get on x

[pris]

Hi Hopingforabetter2023,
Thankyou so much for replying and apologies for the time lag. I’ve been in an odd head space and have been questioning myself about whether it was really as bad as I thought,reality feels difficult to cling to after he reframed everything. You’re so brave, well done for taking those steps, it’s so so hard.

I’ve been consumed with worry about him and incredibly upset about what he has been saying about me though I’m trying to remind myself it’s probably tactical. I don’t think I could bring myself to contact police unless something happened and I know it’s an awful thing to say I’m not scared in the least and would risk it all to see him so it’s good that he isn’t in the country yet. I’ve decided to see a councillor because I’m aware my thinking isn’t logical or safe any more and I still feel very much in love and responsible for him. The police are aware of him but he has no conditions or restrictions. I’m trying hard not to reach out and I’ve kept myself busy so far. Sounds as though you are beginning to heal and I’m in awe. It’s so helpful hearing from people who have gone through similar though I’m incredibly sorry that you have. I hope you stay safe and that his family leave you alone or atleast recognise that things need to be done through particular chanels. How are you today? I hope you’re safe and well x

[Author]

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