I feel as though I'm going insane

[SugarSkull]

Christmas has been horrid. He walked out on Christmas Day morning at (detail removed by Moderator) and came back drunk. It was so bad he urinated on himself and couldn’t stand up. Apparently it was a “f**k you” because I was down and he felt I was being destructive.

It ended with me calling the police and the police taking him away for a breach of the peace. The police left me sobbing in the middle of the floor and made me feel stupid and like I shouldn’t have phoned them.

I spent Christmas day alone and crying.

Now we have no money because he has spent or lost what we did have. I can’t say anything without him getting cross at me.

I’m sitting as quietly as I can and it’s still not right. I’m scared to say anything in case it provokes him drinking again.

I don’t have anyone to talk to and I feel very sad. I’m torn between walking out and trying to work through what’s happening. I’m tired, down and have no energy. I just want to cry.

The atmosphere is horrible and I feel as though it’s my fault or that I’m not understanding what’s going on. I am struggling to trust my memory because I’m being told I’m wrong all the time.

I just want someone to be kind to me. I want a hug and to know I’m not so bad.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Sugarskull,

That sounds absolutely awful, I am so sorry you went through such a dreadful time this Christmas. You are not bad or wrong, it sounds like he is constantly gaslighting you. If it makes you feel better my family do the same sort of thing, I am always somehow in the wrong and it gets so confusing because you think ‘it must be me.’

The police can be ignorant and insensitive, especially if they are the macho male types, so ignore any judgement from them if you can, I think it’s very positive you rang them and he was taken away. Unfortunately abuse always gets worse, so I would think your best option would be to leave, make a fresh start so you’re never put in such an awful position again and can lead an abuse-free life, but obviously you have to make the decision yourself. Ring the helpline and Samaritans for a chat, I rang them on Christmas day and it really helped.

Sending you a big hug. We are always here and we understand. It’s definitely not your fault, you are living with an abuser who is creating this awful atmosphere then blaming you for it, which is typical abuser behaviour. Trust yourself, go within, and be kind to yourself. Could you go on a little walk to the park today, treat yourself to a coffee? When I am feeling super low I try to be my own best friend or even mother myself and I think ‘what would I like to do/what would make me feel better’ and I do that. Usually it’s something simple like a walk, cup of tea, bath etc. I hope you feel better soon and can start making some new plans for the future that are away from him where you can heal and thrive. xx

[Freedomfighter]

Sending you big hugs. Trust yourself, trust your memory, you are Not insane. I’ve been through the same things for decades. Unfortunately nothing you do will ever be right. He will always deny everything, never take responsibility for his words/actions and will always tell you it’s your fault until you start believing it is and you are going crazy and don’t trust yourself. Don’t let another life be ruined. This forum is full of women who have trusted the men we fall in love with, believe their lies and doubt ourselves. Can you go and stay with family or friends if you don’t want to be alone? Have you tried phoning the helpline or Samaritans they are excellent listeners and give great advice, numbers and organisations you can contact. Keep posting on here, someone will see your posts and chat, but more importantly give support, and understand what you’re going through. You’re not a bad person, you are a good kind and loving person. Don’t waste your love on someone who doesn’t deserve it. You have to have mutual trust, honesty respect and caring for a relationship to work, be healthy and grow. This man is not being respectful, honest, trusting or caring two hoots about you. Take care of you, be kind, gentle and loving to yourself for a while. Shut him out of your life and start the new year with a fresh start. Alone with a healthy mind and body is far better. It won’t be for ever, just give yourself time to heal. Time to start believing in yourself again and trusting yourself. You know that he’s not treating you well, you know you deserve better, we all deserve to be happy and relaxed at home. Sending you love and hugs. Read up about cycles of abuse and nonviolent abuse etc, you will recognise so much and understand what been happening better. This is not your fault. He chose to walk out, he chose to be abusive and to get drunk. Then he chose to put the blame on you not apologising or taking responsibility for his hurtful words and deeds. Please don’t let him control your life any longer. Give yourself the chance to be happy 😊

[fridges]

Abusers want to make you believe it is your fault, they can turn things around and put on you. They will lie, and then deny it, even if you have the evidence and confronting them.
You are afraid to confront him, I understand, just try to make less and less contact, or move out.
I did no contact – it helped me.
Also keep your diary of the events and evidence, write your feeling. He will not be able to do gaslighting. First he would say one thing and minute later – I never said this. It happened to me so many times, that I seriously started to think I’m going mad.
Study more on emotional abuse, the signs, the tricks, with time you will get the track of the repeated behaviour and it will help you to understand, it is not you, who is bad, or crazy.
I know when you are in a such situation, you are feeling down and try to back up on others, even the police. But you should listen to yourself, your feelings. You can only understand them, and trust them.
Other can not be aware of what you are going through, they do not know full story.

[fridges]

There are great books which are helping me to understand what i went through.
(detail removed by Moderator)
* Why did he does he do that? – Lundy Bancroft
(detail removed by Moderator)
(detail removed by Moderator)

In abusive relationships we are constantly get pushed, our boundaries are ignored and not taken to an account.
They way a person deal with you, say a lot. When he ignores you. Ignores the borders what you put.

Yesterday I found great article which help me to realise and understand many things.

http://www.goyourownway.org/GOYOUROWNWAY/DOCUMENTS/EMOTIONAL%20WELLBEING/EMOTIONAL%20BLACKMAIL.pdf

[SugarSkull]

Thank you all so much for your kindness and understanding. I’m overwhelmed that strangers can listen and offer words of support like this. It’s amazing to not feel alone.

He has tried to tell me I’m controlling. Sometimes I get scared I am. I’m going to keep trying to not lose myself and be as strong as I can. I don’t want to lose my voice.

[KIP.]

Please ring the helpline number on here or visit your local women’s aid. You do not have to put up with this. Did the police charge him? Does he have bail conditions? You can get free legal advice by ringing Rights for Women. A non molestation order might be good to keep him away from you. Abuse always gets worse and you deserve better x

[Brewsandshoes]

I’m new on here – but I wanted to send you hugs. Dealing with the mind games is tough, but trust yourself. I bet this is the only situation where you’re made to feel like you CAN’T do that.

[SugarSkull]

I’m so exhausted. It’s hard to even think about the last week. I haven’t done anything for me and every time I bring up what happened and try to seek resolution it goes horribly wrong.

I did ring the helpline but I didn’t really get much from the conversation I had. The lady just wanted to tell me he was bad and what I really wanted was to know how to cope. I know that what he did was bad.

I feel lost and small today. I wish I knew what to do.

[Goggleeyes]

I understand completely. I’m a white hot mess myself right now but I can offer a virtual hug. Take whatever advice you get in here, it’s Golden hope and directing light. I know I am x

[SugarSkull]

Every time I have a glimmer of feeling okay it’s quashed by remembering all the bad things.

I’m having to Google foodbanks because he spent or lost all his money in the pub. I have a great job and shouldn’t be living like this.

If it wasn’t for my step daughter being here I don’t think I would have any hope.

More and more I wish I could fall asleep and not wake up. I feel so sick of the ball of anxiety I carry round with me.

He told me earlier that he is nice to people who are nice to him. I guess I’m not nice then.

[Author]

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