I feel desperate!

[Babyboo]

I joined a few months ago, this is my 1st post. In the last year I’ve realised and admitted im in an abusive relationship. I feel I’m being controlled, mentally and emotionally abused. I have been with the father of my kids for most of my adult life, ive now realised this has been a toxic relationship for most of it. We have kids together and I have 1 from a previous relationship. I’ve identified that I’m being abused, the problem i have is how I end it and get him to leave? I’m petrified of him! He has chronic illnesses and has had (detail removed by Moderator).i am his carer. He doesn’t think or do anything rationally. Everytime we are in an argumentative situation I just freeze up like concrete. How ridiculous, im a grown woman! My head hurts constantly, I cant think, my house is a tip and I cant sleep. I feel like I’m going to explode! I don’t know what to do, I dont want to be here anymore. Any advice/support or questions welcomed. Thank you for reading.

[Put the kettle on]

Hi, welcome to the forum.
It sounds like you’re going through so much. Can you contact your GP yo explain what’s going on? also your local domestic abuse charity, trusted friends, family? Could you seek legal advice first? Some offer a small amount of free advice. I think it’s best you prepare to leave as much as possible and get support in place.

[Babyboo]

Hi, thank you for your reply, the house is rented via the council in my name only. So I feel I cant leave my house…. but I know he isn’t going to leave either. He is a loner type person,doesn’t work because he’s now registered disabled, and relies on me for everything. I just feel so trapped! I will try and pluck up the courage to speak to gp, will it not just be a waste of their time…like, what can they actually do? Sorry for all the negatives. I appreciate your reply x

[Put the kettle on]

I think the house being in your name is a good start.
I wasn’t sure about speaking to my GP at first, i told the receptionist why i wanted to see doctor, i simply said domestic abuse and the receptionist was lovely and discreet. The doctor can offer support and advice of local services available to you. I really recommend it from my experience. You are definitely not wasting their time, there are people out there who want to help. Local domestic abuse charities and women’s aid can help you too, have you called the helpline?

[Eggshells]

Hi Babyboo

Welcome to the forum.

It sounds like you are in a very difficult situation. You are absolutely right, he won’t leave.

Are you able to phone the council and explain the situation? They may be able to help you and explain how you can either get out yourself and put the lease in his name or get him out.

Please also contact your local DA charity. They may also be able to advise you.

[Babyboo]

Thank you for your reply, I havent physically rang and spoke to anyone one/any service before. I will try and call my gp surgery. Thank you for your time xx

[Babyboo]

Thank you for taking your time to reply, thats a idea about council, im at the end of what I can mentally cope with… my head hurts all the dam time. Something has to give!! Im getting to the begging point. Never felt so isolated, lonely, depressed in my whole life!! Thanks for listening xx

[Wants To Help]

Hi Babyboo,

It’s good that you recognise that you are in an abusive relationship and know the signs, it is good to know that you see this as a separate issue to your partner’s illness and medical conditions and are not making excuses for his behaviour. You are in a strong position for freeing yourself and the children from this situation.

You say you are his carer. Can I ask if this is a recognised carer, as in you are in receipt of a carers allowance, or if you are a self appointed carer? If you are legally recognised and in receipt of a carers allowance this may make things a bit easier going forward. Following your partner’s illness and diagnosis, are there any care arrangements in place from the hospital, GP or Adult Social Care? If not, you need to start the ball rolling with Adult Social Care.

I would suggest you contact your Adult Social Care Team as well as the Council Housing Department. Explain to them both that you wish to leave an abusive relationship but your abusive partner lives with you in your home that is sole tenancy to you and has ongoing health issues that mean he is classed as ‘vulnerable’ and he will need ongoing professional support as you can no longer take on that role. Make it clear to the professionals you speak to that his domestic abuse is not a result of his illnesses and that the matters are two separate things, otherwise, they may offer you extra ‘support’ to remain as his carer and in the relationship. This will make it easier for agencies to deal with, so assert yourself and make it quite clear you don’t need help, you need out. These departments may refer your case to the MASH (Multi Agency Safeguarding Hub) who in turn may report it to the police, so don’t be surprised if the police contact you too.

In order to safeguard you and deal with his vulnerabilities this will need a multi agency approach and it may put him high up on the register for rehousing. However, if he refuses to leave then the eviction process could take a while, so as has been suggested earlier, if you were prepared to leave and be rehoused to speed the process up you can offer that as a suggestion. Unfortunately, an Occupation Order from the civil court is going to be difficult to obtain to get him out quickly if he has nowhere to go and is classed as medically vulnerable, but this could be an option to try if the Council can house him somewhere and Adult Social Care can provide a care package.

Good luck x

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