I feel frozen in time like I’m almost paralysed & I don’t know how to move forwa

[Anonymous]

Hello please can anyone help with some advice. I quite literally feel frozen in time & paralysed. I am (detail removed by moderator)free of long term mental abuser but I still feel he’s in my head, I am trying to fight it so hard,but feel like I am completely disabled in as far as I believe I am worthless & useless & that’s how everyone sees me too. I don’t trust anyone not even myself! Can someone please explain how SMART works? I tried to ring women’s aid but couldn’t. I know it is Specific Measurable Achievable Realistic Time-bound Also are women’s aid drop in centres in most areas? & what are they like? I just feel I am unable to get over this on my own.I have tries to talk to friends & family & that is no good as all I’m told is we don’t want to keep going over it
They just do not understand neither do I, I don’t want his Brainwashing in my head I just want to be strong enough to go to work & feel I am not so useless. I’ve ended up in major breakdown which doesn’t help much. I quite literally do feel disabled by him. Love to all as I know we are all suffering x

[Anonymous]

I know this will take time I do try to keep occupied so I don’t think of him but sudden memories hit me out of nowhere & the slightest little thing I burst into tears, Things people say which are quite normal I shudder at as they are reminders of him.I still remember his good side which was 30% of the time and feel angry I allow myself to miss that. The 70% vile controlling cruel one haunts me more
I am so scared I’ll spend the rest of my life on my own as if a man as much as looks at me I want to burst into tears & run

[Ayanna]

I have the same problem.
I go to free courses that help raise self confidence.
I had massive issues at work because of the abuse.
The best way to deal with this is therapy.
I was denied help so far. They wait until I drop out of work.

[Anonymous]

Thinking of you too,I replied but put in add message instead of your reply box, so U hope you can still see it x

[Anonymous]

Hi Ayanna Yes It is our self confidence that is lost, Im not sure how or where there is somewhere to go on a course to help us with that x

[Anonymous]

I think it’s because of all the dreadful cut backs but across the board. It’s such s painful journey for us all, Abuse is terrifying & I longer to be free yet don’t feel free,feel worse trying to come to terms with the trauma & I think the aftermath for me personally is the shock reality that in many ways he is still with me, I did not think that would happen. Love & hugs to you x

[Serenity]

Hi Blueberry,

Abuse leaves us feeling dazed, like a deer in headlights.

I’ve heard people suggest that you just try to accomplish three main tasks a day. Write down the three most important things, and do them. I find this helped me a lot to make some progress, and not continue to feel stuck.

As far as the SMART goals are concerned, it is an acronym used in teaching and in work
organisations, to encourage students and workers to achieve. It’s also used in life coaching. It can be helpful if you’re feeling stuck after trauma or abuse.

Examples of SMART goals are:

Specific:
What exactly needs to be accomplished?
Where will it take place?
Who else will be involved?
Why do I want to accomplish this goal?

Measurable:
How much change needs to occur?
How will I know I have succeeded?
How many actions or accomplishments will it take?

Attainable:
Do I have, or can I get, the resources needed to achieve this goal?
Is the goal reasonable- not too hard or too easy?
Are the actions I plan to take likely to bring success?

Relevant:
Is this a worthwhile goal for me right now?
Is it meaningful to me- or just something others think I should do?
Would it delay or prevent me from achieving a more important goal?
Am I willing to commit to achieving this goal?

Timebound:
What is the deadline for reaching this goal?
When do I need to take action?
What can I do today?

You can apply SMART to any aspect of your life- for example, work goals, weight loss, etc…

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much Serenity I am going to write that down,the smart goal I’m sure will help me. Also self help I’ve looked online at it, but wish there was somewhere we could go in person to personally encourage each other on a weekly basis, even simple things like your hair looks nice, or you look so much better this week would be a great confidence boost. Also being able to have a bit of company aground others who know exactly what this feels like, I love your comparison to us feeling like a dear in head lights, When I first got away I said I felt like U had been thrown out of a plane into the middle of the ocean & I could not swim. like I was drowning, I still feel like I’m unable to swim! But know I have to, in order to survive. Don’t think I’ll ever trust again but maybe that’s a good thing, He just has convinced my brain completely that everything about me is questionable. I even look at strangers as dangers!! But his threats involved people I did not know, hurting me & my son, He made having other people killed or seriously injured so they never walked again threats too! Just feel that life as a whole is a terrifying place, His verbal attacks echo in my head on a daily basis, His anger has effected me terribly in as far as anyone angry anywhere, even a raised voice I jump out of my own skin quite literally! Xx

[Serenity]

PS: I have started looking at webpages and books about self-motivation and self-confidence.

I think reading up about such positive subjects might help to get you to overcome the situation. It’s very hard getting over abuse: I think filling our minds with positive concepts can help to change the effects of trauma.

[Anonymous]

you’re right Serenity, I am trying so hard to focus on positive thoughts, I think I’ve achieved it, then within hours someone or something triggers negative thoughts, maybe something I say & they put me down for tiny achievements. I feel like now I have to keep everything to myself for this constant feeling of being judged, I know that’s what he’s done but also think others think I should be able to do wake up tomorrow morning & be completely scar Free. x

[lifelibertyhappiness]

Hi Blueberry

I – well, all of us survivors – struggle with this so much. I have a new life that is full of things that bring me so much joy but I am still conditioned to react to stuff as though I am still with my abuser. As you say, tiny things set me off that not even my loving and respectful new partner would imagine were a problem. The flashbacks are utterly horrible and I long to get rid of them and to be able to embrace my new life.

But to comfort you, time does help so much. This time a year ago, I hadn’t yet been supermarket shopping on my own without my ex being there and telling me I was buying the wrong stuff. For about six months I freaked out every time I went to the supermarket as I was scared I would get into trouble for buying things, even though my abuser was out of my life. Then came a day when I did a big shop and it was only when I got home that I realised I hadn’t even thought about it. That particular flashback was over.

Sadly I still have a thousand other ones, as my abuser controlled every aspect of my life. Freedom is amazing but scary when you have been deprived of it for so long.

Things I have found helpful: I now have a support group of other women who have left abuse. We all have different backgrounds and our abusers did different things to us. But the power of the group is that they all made us feel the same and were all doing it for the same reason: to control us. And we get why other members are “still” struggling with something in a way that those who aren’t survivors really struggle. This is not a break up! It’s not even a one-off trauma, it’s years of abuse and terror. No wonder it takes a long time to unwind.

Also I ended up in hospital and met an IDVA from Victim
Support who has been really good. I wouldn’t recommend the hospital experience as a fun way of spending your day but I am so glad I can now contact the IDVA.

Something that is helping me also is Mindfulness. I hated it when I started but I now use the Headspace app every day and it is giving me good techniques for calming myself down and moving away from damaging thoughts about the past to noticing the present.

Oh, and obviously medicine! I have PTSD and am taking antidepressants and propranolol when I have panic attacks. I can’t say the NHS mental health provision has been great, but if you haven’t been to your GP yet to explain that you’ve left abuse then I’d really recommend it.

Keep going – and remember that you are one of the bravest women there is. We are so much stronger than we know for doing what we’ve done and we should be so, so proud of ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Hi lifelibertyhappiness thank you so much for that, supermarkets I literally freak out in, it has was exactly the same for me, he was like a thing possessed,I had to watch everything I put in the trolley, when we got to the checkout he criticised how I packed the shopping, belittled me in front of the cashier, Would reduce me to tears, once we were in the car he’d really get angry & drive home fast, close to vehicles to scare me. I’ve been to doctor who I thought understood domestic violence haha I was put on anti depressants which alongside extreme fear sent me over board I ended up in a mental health hospital for 6 weeks, where they increased a new anti depressant highest dose there is, I became increasingly worse, suicidal & psychotic thoughts, Once home again I stopped anti depressants against medical advice, I was 100% sure anti depressants had made me worse, & they did 100% Each day of cold Turkey withdrawal was hell, but I stuck with it as my thoughts became clearer & clearer. No psychotic thoughts at all & suicidal thoughts no longer. In hospital were male patients who picked up on my vulnerabilities & let me tell you I was absolutely terrified, it was exactly like being back in the environment with him, I remain convinced my abuser has schizophrenia & was a pathological gambler too, It was just trauma on trauma! Patients there calm one minute explosive the next just like him!! my anxieties are sky high, I wouldn’t dare ever again take anti depressants.

[Anonymous]

After several manic phone calls I had also contacted police who also believed his c**p, They handled it very badly! I tried mindfulness in hospital & found it ever so difficult,we all sat round in a circle, Again because he made me feel so watched so self conscious & so judged all the time, I felt & feel so very self conscious its just so horrible.

[Anonymous]

I have such massive trust issues that I distrust everyone, Thank you for your advice it eases my loneliness to hear how I’m feeling is quite normal x

[Innisfree]

Hi Blueberry

The fact you feel like you still miss him sometimes yet also are reacting to triggers is completely normal. Your body is working hard to protect you and keep you safe so try not to fight those reactions or criticise yourself for it, it’s important to acknowledge these feelings exist non judgmentally. I have just been introduced, by my Councillor, to something called EFT, there should be videos online showing you how to do this if you are interested. It’s like a kind of mental acupuncture undoing some of the knots in your mind without trying to ‘solve’ everything, which I’ve spent a lot of time trying to do, to make sense out of the mess. It helps me when anxiety and panic rise in my chest.
Love x

[Anonymous]

Hi innisfree Thank you so much, I will look up EFT anything is worth a try to stop stop feeling frozen in fear. That’s the exact feeling that tightness in your chest, your tummy twisted in knot, & you physically can not breathe, & your head is so full of so much trauma & confusion your abuser has filled it with x

[lover of no contact]

Hi blueberry,

Also keep getting your thoughts and feelings out with us on here as much as you need. Your posts help us too so much.

[Anonymous]

Hi Loverofnocontact I am finding sharing my feelings & experiences with everyone on here is helping me to release what I’ve been desperate to talk about for so long but keep being told by everyone don’t keep going over & over it we don’t want to know, I don’t want to go over & over him either I just want him gone forever. I sincerely hope that my posts are helping everyone on here who reads them too, I know none of us feel normal after abuse BUT NOW I AM FEELING NORMAL AGAIN reading everyone’s replies & I am thinking hey this is exactly what being an abuse victim feels like I’m not so crazy after all x

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much to you all for responding your kindness means a great deal. love & hugs to you all xx

[Author]

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