I feel guilty

[kitty]

I am feeling an enormous amount of guilt about having reported my ex to the police for sexual assault and rape. He has been arrested several times already for sex offences, and is on the sex offenders register for life now. He is in jail. Yet, for some reason I panic that I am mis-remembering, or that I’m making something out of nothing. With my rational head on I KNOW that I should only have to say no ONCE, not twenty, or thirty times. Why will my mind not let me think rationally? The memories of the red marks on my wrists after he would pin me down should make me see things logically, or the baths I had, sobbing because I felt so dirty after he touched me……but I just feel guilt. He made me believe that childhood abuse had twisted my perception. So, I tried harder to be ‘normal’ for him. I basically let him do things to me I didn’t want coz he made me think that I was the problem…..Is it even rape if I agree to sex out of fear of anger? Sometimes I just let him coz if I didn’t he would shout at me and make me cry….saying awful things to me. I remember anniversaries…..going out for a meal or whatever, all the time feeling sick at the thought of what would happen after we got home. Sex was EXPECTED in such situations, the thought of saying no was scarey…….

[Serenity]

Don’t feel guilty, Kitty.

These abusers don’t recognise other people’s individual rights ; and they make us doubt our rights too.

Because they deny blame, they almost convince us that we haven’t got a case. It’s the horrible outcome of gaslighting: victims questioning and blaming themselves.

No woman should be ruled by fear. That in itself is abuse- psychological abuse.

I remember when my ex stopped groping me for a while, I felt relieved but also confused, as I had begun to interpret his groping as love. My expectations had got twisted, and my standards for myself all skewed. These abusers knock down your expectations for yourself: they make you think that abuse is all you’re worth, and you’re not worth tender affection. I hated it when he groped me, but when he stopped I was wondering why, and interpreted it as lack of interest in me and this in itself was trauma bonding. I was fearful of what it meant. At the same time, his lecherous groping made me feel worthless.

It’s a classic case of trauma-bonding. You’re grateful for the crumbs you receive, however pitiful and you accept things because it’s all you’ve come to know.

The fact you feel guilty and confused and that you may have acquiesced to his demands doesn’t mean his actions were not abusive. He was using power and control to gain something he wanted, which transgressed respectful boundaries, knowing that it would affect you in a negative way. That’s what makes it abusive.

The fact he has a history of abuse is even more proof that he is at fault. It’s who he is.

You’ve been so brave to stand up to him.

Hugs x

[KIP.]

Hey there. Rape crisis have a helpline which you can ring. They were very good and helped me realise what happened wasn’t consensual, wasn’t right. You should be proud of yourself x

[kitty]

thanks for your replies. I’m waiting for police to get victim support to help me at the moment. Not sure how long it will take though. The police will have visited him in prison by now…..he will be as angry as hell!! I just hope that even if this doesn’t go to court that he is kept away from me after they let him out of jail.

[Author]

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