I feel I had to write this

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

I went out with a friend on x day. We chatted about what’s going on and how I feel I want to go back. She works for a well known institution, please bear with me and follow the rest so you can see the link in a few paragraphs…

She has helped me an awful lot when I ”got out” of the family home. I am so grateful to her. And she still helps me a lot. She does what she can and unfortunately I cannot speak about many happy things so I feel like I am a burden to her. It’s tiring listening to the garbage I carry.

As she drove me back, she said ”you have just told me so many things why you should not be going back. I am honestly expecting the day when someone phones me and tells me you are dead. Why would you want to go back to that?”

She suspects I have PTSD, I laugh. She tells me I need therapy, I laugh, I look away. I look at the night sky and the horizon past the hill where we are, in a pub sipping tea and chatting. I imagine myself back in my house. I have been back to my house a few times. I am playing a dangerous game. All I can say is I am watching him display enormous efforts at providing what he knows matters to me, can’t say what. It’s manipulation, or his epiphany.

I feel physically drawn back to my home and my kids and I just don’t know how to explain it to my friend because all I can think about is my ability to cope with him, look at how I would adapt yet again. It is almost a game. He can up his abuse, I can up my limits. It is never ending. It is drip by drip as someone else explained on another post. You just get used to it and adapt. I feed myself Youtube videos on what I think he suffers from and I arm myself with ammunition to survive so I can be with my kids and in my environment. This home means a lot for multitudes of reasons, including work. I invent good reasons, but I avoid looking at the fact I can rebuild another life in another environment. I reckon my childhood, what I experienced as a child/adolescent and young adult has had a massive impact, including my lack of fear of my husband, my overwhelming sense of dependence on someone else, my lack of confidence in the future including my health. I used to be fed on an almost daily basis that the most important thing was good health, and that one day it would be gone so I should try to enjoy it while I have it. I was also told that I should enjoy being young because one day I would be old, I would not stay 20 for ever, and there would follow the hummed tune of a song my father would sing just to remind me, it was about being 20 and remembering past lovers and happy days. It was like that all the time. I have always dreaded old age, bad health and inevitable death.

So this friend of mine, is quite concerned, but she can’t do much for me if I don’t want to help myself.

Here is the link. My daughter reported to me that x days ago, her dad started drinking again, she described what she saw him drink, and she asked me to swear I wouldn’t confront him with it. She described he sounded inebriated and he made a few comments she didn’t like. Another one of my children heard the comments too and that is quite concerning as I think this is emotional abuse. Basically their dad was asking where I had gone with my friend and if they knew anything about where I might be with her. He also mentioned her job commenting on (let’s say as little as I can for safety reasons) how my friend could do x to him if ever she had to be involved with y. From the reported comments, I believe he was basically showing signs of paranoia under the influence of alcohol. God knows what this is doing to my children, I don’t like listening to all this and it is not helping me in not wanting to go back so I can at least protect them by being there.

I immediately took mental notes of her descriptions and explained she should repeat all this to the psychotherapist. I just hope she does. I texted a friend of mine explaining what went on at home and she texted back she is very concerned about safety too. I have seen how my husband’s eyes have changed in expression, he has a darkness in their expression, a nasty look in them, a piercing expression, and again more recently my daughter and I heard his comments about someone’s circumstances and my daughter picked up on the hidden warning message from the use of his words and the explanations they carried. I didn’t have to prompt her, she voiced her impression the second her dad walked away. A threat, that is what she interpreted. If I leave (divorce) x is likely to follow.

I have also received texts asking me things that indicate he is trying to get me to come back. I am simply questioned why x, y and z. Coercion.

Another friend told me to ring to arrange a new domestic abuse referral.

Something else took place also x days ago, it was another incident proving his rage is living right under his skin, ready to burst, I was ordered to not do x, shocking in the way he shouted at me and the content of the message. It also involved one of my children whom he blames for endangering the making up of our relationship. My friends are shocked. I fought him back with my words but I am used to his outbursts. Nevertheless, he was shocking.

Someone I work with also told me she can foresee me dying. That’s 3 people in one week saying the same thing.

Call me stupid but I still don’t feel fear. A voice deep in me says start taking all these warnings seriously. But another one says ignore, you are stronger than that, he can’t beat your spirit.

And meanwhile I keep reading about abusive relationships, and non abusive relationships. I just do not know what a non abusive relationship feels like, I never have known. All I do is say to my friends shoot me if I go back to him, just shoot me first. I turn everything into a joke. I laugh as I say these things.

I need help. My friend says this, I need help.

Sorry. I feel stupid. I am back to square one wanting to go back.

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

And to add insult to injury, he has recently told our daughter that the divorce has everything to do with her when he subjected her to his moody behaviour because he received x document…

She explained how he sounded in a real mood, he took it on her and when she defended herself, he came up with his nasty remark…

I wonder what he says to our son…i know that one of our children can’t bear to see him, they clash almost daily. I reckon he will be drinking again tonight.

Fed up. And I really worry about my children at home while I am away…

[Lisa]

Hi Bridget,

We are all here for you. I hope you are feeling a little brighter this evening. It is very normal to want to go back, it must be so, so hard and painful being away from your children, your house and your garden. All of which I know mean a lot to you but as you know from last time, going back will not make you happy. His behavior will be even worse and you and your children will suffer. You have done so well to get to this point so please keep being kind to yourself and hopefully you will start to feel better soon. I am worried that you feel so much at risk, perhaps you could speak to the Police and log everything with your local Women’s Aid group.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[EeyoreNoMore]

Hey Bridge. I’m not sure what to say but it does seem that you’re continuing to make progress. Your mind appears to be opening and accepting which is all good.

Have your heard/read Zoe Dronfield and Rachel Williams’ stories? If not, please do seek them out. They’re both survivors – just like we are xx

[Nova]

Bridget, sorry to hear your struggling with it all.
Your only human and we all feel it with you..it’s not easy being brave especially when your family & home are all involved.
You need support to help you through, have you got someone to talk to? Professionals who can advise you for the benefit of you and seeing your children. You all have your own relationships, regardless of anyone else.

+ Documenting all that’s happening is good advice to hand it all over to the authorities if necessary.

Your much more powerful out of that situation.

I’m hoping your feeling a bit better today and keep going step by step.Remember its so important you are safe and can have that special relationship with your children & all your future is ahead of you.

Imagine each day as a stepping stone to a better life.

We are with you

BIG hugs Cx

[countrygirl]

Hi Bridget,
I hope my experience of “going back” might help you to see your situation a little clearer.

I am in a long term (decades) emotionally abusive relationship with my husband, we have multiple grown up children (all still at home). I left him when my children were still of primary school age, I was working part-time and was mentally strong enough to take on the upheaval of sorting out a property to rent for me and the kids. During the x amount of months that we lived apart (albeit only a few minutes distance away) it was soooo difficult, he stalked me day and night, would cry and argue in front of the kids and wouldn’t take care of his personal hygiene purposely to project a “poor me” image, he really was a nightmare. He would be as nice as pie when he thought there may be a chance that I might go back but as soon as I told him that I wasn’t, he turned VERY nasty, he terrified me. I stupidly told him while I was a passenger in the car with him when I broke the news to him, he went beserk driving like a madman, I don’t know how I lived to see today.

Ultimately I went back to live with him because I couldn’t stand to see him upsetting the kids, I was prepared to sacrifice my own happiness to give my kids a stable happy home again, I was struggling to cope financially too. Also, like you, I missed my home, pets, garden and all the creature comforts of home terribly, I really wasn’t expecting to struggle so much with that aspect of leaving him, I really thought that getting my own place was the answer to my problems, I really didn’t expect to have to cope with “feeling lost in unfamiliar surroundings”.

Looking back, I made a BIG mistake going back to him. My situation now is worse ten-fold (mentally he punished me for leaving him). My kids are worse for being kept in a very toxic environment, it is evident by their behaviours. I have been chipped away at so much that I am on my knees mentally trying to desperately to ward off a breakdown. Bridget, you would have to be made of stone for your husbands abuse not to affect you, no matter how strong you think you might be, he will keep chipping away at you until one day, like me, you realise that you no longer have the mental strength to go through the whole leaving process again, that’s when you’ll become a prisoner without chains.

I read your posts now and again and can relate to every one of them as our situations are quite similar, there are times when you post about going back and I think “noooooo, don’t give in”.

Bridget you are a wonderful person who deserves to be happy, do not think that going back is the right thing for your kids, (it wasn’t for mine and I am living with the guilt of keeping them in an unhappy situation). Just keep telling your kids they are more than welcome to come to live with you and that their dad is an adult who has to sort his own issues out.

One last thing Bridget, please listen to the people around you who are trying to help you, your husband really is a danger to you. Don’t take a chance with your safety by ignoring the signs, others around you can see exactly what he is because they are standing on the outside looking in and you don’t see the reality of the danger you are in because you have been conditioned to minimise it all (a typical coping strategy). Your children need their mum, don’t go back and put yourself at risk, the best thing you can do now is forge ahead on your new path, no matter how lonely you feel at times or how much you miss your house etc and no matter what he is saying to your kids (they will come to you in the end).

Soldier on Bridget, don’t go back, stay away and allow your self the chance to be happy. Listen to someone who’s tried it and found out too late that it was the second biggest mistake of her life!

You can do this Bridget,
Countrygirl

[Serenity]

What a wonderful and caring post, Countrygirl.

I am sorry for your situation, and hope you can somehow find some peace and happiness in the present and the future.

Bridget, Countrygirl seems to be very much like you, and she highlights what I wrote in my other post to you: that even though your husband might be behaving now like he wants bygones to be bygones, I believe that as soon as he thinks he’s got you in a subservient or dependent position, he will punish you for having left him.

I hope Countrygirl’s post helps you x

[lover of no contact]

Its true what countrygirl says about having the energy to leave again if we go back. Its exhausting being abused and we get worn down and worn out One Day At a Time. Bridget although it doesn’t feel it you are walking that path free from abuse. You are on that road of recovery. Don’t go back to the cul-de-sac of a life of abuse. Its a dead end street. It only leads to mental breakdown or death.

The road you’re on leads to life. For you and your children. you are role-modelling for your children how to break away from an abusive relationship and how to stay out of one and not be hovered back into one.

We are here for you through these difficult days.

Countrygirl, thankyou for sharing your experience with us. But its never too late to break free. Keep posting and reading the posts to build up your strength and resolve.

[Nova]

Morning Bridget, I am checking in to see how your getting on. Your on my mind, and I’m wondering and hoping your feeling a bit better. Your a brilliant brave woman & Mother who shows her love & empowerment by leaving, you have integrity, better health and a more positive way of life is ahead of you, not behind you.

I also read country girls post thanks for sharing your journey, and as LoNC says, it’s never too late…this is your life to change and do things more your way, with support, we all can try to make it better, we are here for each other. keep posting, we may see you moving forward out of toxicity. Big hugs ladies for a happy weekend

Cx 🌺

[Ariel]

You are doing so well Bridget. Keep going and don’t give in. People said these words to me and I didn’t listen I thought they don’t understand what’s it like and I went back. I wish I hadn’t after a couple of weeks things went back exactly the same. Back to square one. If you want to be free you gotta keep going. It’s so easy for me to say I know. I’ve got to pluck the courage up to start the freedom ball rolling again and this time I don’t know if I have the strength. All I can sat is keep going you can do this you need a proper life.

[Lyng]

It was too long before I finally broke free. I look at all the points I could have been done – we lived separately at one point for nearly two years – I cannot regret my kids but I can regret not leaving him the day he found out the second one was in my belly. That was the day everything went from bad to awful. My youngest was a thinking walking broken girl before I had the courage to make the break. I am so sorry I did that to my kids. They could have been out before there were any memories to twist and destroy. I am so scarred and mangled emotionally every day is a struggle. Every time you go back you tell him he can push you a little more the next time. Please do what you can to stay away from your abuser.

[Author]

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