I feel let down

[teabag]

Sorry to say this but I don’t feel there is a lot of support for women who leave DA and are left with the trauma to deal with.
My local Women’s Aid informed me I would be in the choices course end of Aril and I would receive a letter regarding a starting date.
I haven’t received anything. I know it’s also my responsibility to chase this but it took me months to pluck up the courage to phone woman’s aid national helpline. I then emailed about the freedom course, no response.
This online forum has been great and I fully support the amazing work WA do but I did not feel I was able to talk about my trauma. It felt like “ well your out of the situation now, we don’t have time to listen”.
So how do I go about finding out about an online course like the freedom course?

[KIP.]

Hi, if you google the freedom programme you can search for one in your area which I believe is free and there is the online course too which I think may incur a small fee. The trauma support should come from medical professionals so please speak to your GP or search locally for charities. I know how you feel, my ‘Mental health expert’ actually referred me back to women’s aid. Women’s aid are there to get you safe and keep you safe, to help with housing children etc. My worker had 24 women on her books. She simply doesn’t have the time or skills for my mental health. Maybe a support group meantime would help. Or keep posting on here for support. Don’t give up. When you have a good day you can forge ahead, then on the down days you can take it easy x

[fizzylem]

Hey T, good to hear from you again but sorry to read you’ve been let down. It can be a challenge finding and shaping the right support, finding the right professional, some are great, others not so much, some get it, others don’t. What’s important here is that you dont give up, whatever it is you need, like the freedome program now, find a way to access it.

I agree, this forum is a real life line. We really pull together for one another hey. Hang in there flower, you can do this. It’s slow and frustrating sometimes for sure, but there are days you will feel you are winning the battle as well. Keep going, make it your goal to ‘overcome’. FL.x

[EbonyRaven]

I know exactly how you feel Teabag. My ISVA doesn’t reply to emails, the IDVA is only really there to help if it comes to court it seems. The DV organisation had me in for a chat which really was some form filling and fleshing out the details of what happened.

They said that as I was now out of the relationship there was no point my attending the Freedom Course, but that they’d get me on the Recovery Toolkit course, but I’ve heard nothing further about that. It could be there just isn’t one running of course.

The ‘counselling’ the local organisations offer is centred around keeping the family together, so aren’t for me. I’m on the waiting list for support through my GP, but they say that’s likely to be over 12 months away at least, and then only a set number of sessions.

I’ve investigated private therapists, but at £40+ an hour it is out of my pocket.

This forum has also been my lifeline, and I’m so glad you have all been here for me throughout. I don’t know what I would have done without it. You are my support network and I am massively grateful for that and grateful to WA for allowing us this space.

[Anonymous]

I agree totally. I’ve had no support whatsoever. Even my gp was 100% unsympathetic. If it wasn’t for this forum, I would still bed with my abuser.

[teabag]

Thanks everyone. I really needed this course. I felt it would have helped me and yet no letter no nothing. It left me feeling undervalued and just another trigger that I am not worthy of anyone giving a d**n. How can a charity say they support women and then do this? I don’t understand that. Maybe I’m feeling a little raw about it but I needed it. That’s all I asked for ,I’ve done everything else myself. And they couldn’t even get that right. People say phone then, they’ll understand but they don’t have time to talk , to really listen even for the first and last conversation before they direct you to a local service near you.
I’m just disappointed. I enquires about the freedom course too and no response.
Just so fed up.

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi teabag,

So sorry to hear you experienced this, too. Same for me. I couldn’t even get victim support to begin with – in the area I lived in, you were entitled to this within 48 hours of reporting the crime, but I never got referred. I know why I wasn’t referred but I can’t tell on here, but anyway I had to try and find them myself only to start a towing match it seemed to let them know that hey, I was actually a victim and had just been assaulted and was having some incredibly painful and dark thoughts – my ex had so often told me to kill myself and that it would make him happy if I did so, I’m ashamed to say I was seriously considering this just to make him happy again. I must have called them dozens of times before I got one victim support worker who would talk with me. I ended up moving area quite far away to try and get councelling quicker, but that was only an option when my ex kicked me out and made me homeless – this in turn meant the IDVA that had finally contacted me almost a month after it happened, could no longer help me – because I was leaving the area!
What I don’t think these charities and organisations have the time to really understand is that we are so fragile and have been taught by our (ex)partners that we hold no value – we simply don’t always have it in us to push for what we need. Often times when we have said we wanted something in the relationship, we were made to feel selfish, so it simply is a trait we’ve forgotten – speaking up for ourselves. But I’m glad I somehow found the voice and courage to keep calling as the victim support worker I did get, has been wonderful. So keep calling, teabag. Keep shouting. Keep telling any and everyone that you need help and you need it now.

I don’t know if links are allowed on forum posts, teabag, but I do have one for the freedom programme (it does cost £12 online). I can send it to you via a private message if you would like?

[teabag]

Always sorry

It’s great you finally got the support you needed. I don’t seem to have the confidence to say- hello I’m here help me. I emailed WA to seek permission that I could telephone them, that I wasn’t wasting their time, that my experience was validated under DA.
Evidently there is a gap for women who have left a DA situation and self refer to seek some guidance or clarification that it was abuse. Often we are so enmeshed in their abuse we have no clue. Then the fog lifts and wham.
I totally understand that the focus must be in women and children in a DA situation and the resources must go there. However, the fight, the feeling unsafe, scared, like your going mad post DA , still needs special attention. We have to recover and often we don’t know how and I need more than an on-line chat. I pay for therapy, I go without food to pay for it. I journal, I read, I meditate but I need more. I need education, reassurance recovery. My GP won’t and can’t do this for me. Why: because he doesn’t get it, some of my close friends don’t get it but WA do, they get it. I want to be and learn from others who get it.
So yes please pm me the link and thank you, all of you.

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi teabag,

I will send you the link in a pm.
I completely agree with you – my relationship didn’t end until some time after the last assault where I ended up reporting him – he then later ended the relationship, so again I suppose in the eyes of authorities I was out of the relationship and safe when in fact no, this was where I really needed help. I spent years living with abuse, I spent years covering up bruises every single month. I spent years catering to his every need. Trying my hardest to avoid arguements and coming up short every time. Being put down daily for years. And throughout all those years I was at least head above water it felt like. When I then lost him, because I see it as losing him, nevermind the fact a few days earlier I thought he was gonna kill me, that’s when I needed help because everything came crashing down. The hurt is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced and it was relentless. It felt like drowning. And sometimes, when I miss him because I still have moments where he is all I want, the good him of course even if that person never existed, it still hurts so badly.
Do you have any other GPs at the practice who you can talk to, perhaps a female? Would you be able to write down on a note and explain that you might lose your courage, but you really do need help?
Sending you many wishes and hopes that you will get some proper help and very quickly

[KOTB]

Hi Teabag,
I suppose what this thread highlights is the differences in support up and down the country. I did the Gateway Programme, which is risk assessed & only allows 2 women out of 12 that are still in their relationships to attend for their own safety. So a lot of it was aimed at awareness post DA. I just phoned around all the agencies I could find. I self referred to psychological services. They put me in touch with the providers of the Gateway Programme, which were Refuge and my local councils DV team. I had previously accessed victim support, which were good but only run by volunteers. Through my local council I found a free Mindfulness course and an anti-anxiety course. Then I got 6 free counselling sessions through my GP (it was something like a 20 week waiting list however.) My IDVA also recommended the Wings programme, however I was unable to attend due to the proximity to his new address. There is support out there, it is just patchy and difficult to find. I just had a mini meltdown in the GP’s surgery that’s what started the ball rolling for me. I have found a trauma counsellor but it expensive at £40 a session considering I don’t know how many sessions I’ll need. It is a mind field navigating support. I also started an online cbt course but gave up because it wasn’t really appropriate. You just have to persevere & demand help. Some GPs and IDVAs are better than other. My IDVA service doesn’t do face to face but I know the neighbouring authority does. It seems unfair but I suppose it is all down to funding. Just don’t give up!
KOTB

[Woollymammal]

Hi Teabag, I know what you mean about lack of support..I am still in DA relationship, but it took me 3 years of fighting to see a physchologist.. I now also have a physchiatrist..My physchologist is trying to get me a day care support worker..I also have got a support DA worker helping me to get out..
I attend a support group every week for DA..
But that took so much out of me to get that, I am gratefully it’s come into place now, but it should be there while your in the DA.. and in place for other support after..
I have been trying to get onto a freedom programme for over a year, I was ignored by ones I text or searched for..
My support worker put me forward for a FP course, heard nothing like you, so I asked why I hadn’t heard anything..The support worker came back saying I was on a waiting list..So why don’t tbey tell you this..So hopefully teabag you are also on a waiting list..We’re not mind readers are we..
Seems like maybe DA survivors should maybe develop the help needed before and after and get funding for it..Who else knows better as to the help tbey need..
Maybe get it set up in each city, so all have that access to Sup port network.. ?
Hope you can get the support you need.. don’t give up searching, my support group was local and I just found it luckily on Google..
Hugs x*x

[teabag]

Thanks ladies for sharing your stories. I really appreciate it and all the encouragement.
I don’t have an IDVA because I’m away from the situation and my ex won’t come near me as he is concerned I’ll report him to the police. He already has two previous convictions.
We really need to do something about this. I wonder is any money is ring fenced for post DA support? It would be interesting to see how much money they get from donations. I’ve always wondered about this because it’s nit a sexy charity like Macmillan. I never see individuals running for WA. Such a shame because it’s a deserving charity beyond measure.
I’ll plug away and move forward. My GP surgery consists of 3 doctors. I’ve never been since I moved. There are cultural differences that may make things difficult. It took me 6mts to pluck up the courage to walk across the road and register. That was such a huge challenge and effort. Such a simple task but this is what DA did to me. I was afraid of my own shadow. I was scared to leave the house. I spent most of this year in doors studying. It was a great excuse not to go out ever!

I hope we find ourselves again and get the support we need to move forward and heal. And for those who moved forward with zero support and found there own way kudos to you all sisters. X

[teabag]

Excuse typo errors

[Twisted Sister]

Dear teabag

You hit the nail on the head. Abuse does lave you believing that the worlds responses (or lack of) are somehow telling us again we’re unworthy, not believed, underdeserving, and kicks off that awful self-doubting downward spiral.

Call the Freedom Programme centre to help you. They are brilliant, and will be super supportive.

Unfortunately, the lack of validation and support after leaving do leave abused families extremely vulnerable to slipping straight back into the arms of the abuser, then the woman gets blamed for the abusers behaviour!!!

It’s absolutely preposterous, how they expect aused women to control the dominator! What a joke.

Part of your journey is climbing above hat those others think, and believing in your gut and experiences of his abuses.

Warmest wishes
TS

[Twisted Sister]

This exact issue is repeatedly raised on here, I only started a thread on it some weeks ago.

You are not alone in this, far from it, keep going and asking for better than this.

You have been very brave in posting.

[Iwantmeback]

My aim is to start a support network throughout the country. A central hub with others connected to it, like there is in the Indy movement. I would like to see a WA charity shop in every town and city throughout the country. Those who know me, know how political I am, I’m being told they can’t wait to see me in that arena, think being motivated by DA would be my area. Who knows what the future will bring.
By being with an abuser fir decades, he’s created me, he’s created this #21stcenturysuffragette, to fight for our rights to equality and freedom. ‘There’s something inside so strong’ and I can’t wait to let it out.
💜💛💚

[Twisted Sister]

Go #21stcenturysuffragette!

[teabag]

Iwamtmeback

I had a similar vision. I’m in the process of setting up a support online group for women. It’s a platform to share your stories and how you succeeded. Part of it is to educate others, but I feel as women we are sometimes better supporting each other in succeeding as opposed to doing it alone. I want us to be healthy Mentors for each other. It’s a platform to discuss nearly everything.
I’ve only started a twitter account for now but once I get my writing underway I’ll be sharing my story/ stories. I want humour thrown in because that helps us a lot. It’s s process in the making.

One thing I am going to do is write to his probation officers and highlight that I was kept in the dark about his past assaults and that while he was doing this better relations course he was abusing me. But he was using the reason of “ I’m innocent” and being an empath of course I would think his behaviour was then excusable. If you look at any DA book and the Freedom book( I’m now reading this) they highlight the importance of listening to the partners or at least involving them while there partner is doing his course.(detail removed by Moderator) and probation team including Woman’s support group had my details and not one of them contacted me to let me know his charges. This allied my ex to lie and manipulate me even more. Only now can I see his reasons for not allowing me to attend (detail removed by Moderator). I will also be writing to my local MP highlighting this. We own our story and nobody will take that away from us….ever.

[Author]

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