I feel like a fugitive in my own life

[Anonymous]

Except it has not been my life, it has been lived for others. (detail removed by moderator) years, two children and emotional, financial and physical abuse. For the first (detail removed by moderator) years I apologised and tried to fix it because I thought I was the problem. Then I realised it actually was his problem and no matter what I did he would always be this way. I was, and am, financially dependent on him and now our children have left I want to go too. But I am so scared. Of what! I ask myself …. I don’t know, I don’t KNOW! Why can’t I leave, why do I feel so passive and stuck. I am afraid of his reactions, afraid of my own tendency to appease and do anything at all to minimise conflict. I feel so torn, so anxious and I can’t get a clear fix on why.

Anyway, that’s why I am here, to learn from this community and to try to get to grips with what effect yrs of abuse have had on my psyche. Has anybody been stuck for this long? And did you make it out?

[Lisa]

Hi Towel,

Welcome to the forum! You have been very brave in posting and I am sure you will get some good support here. To help to keep you safe here on a public forum I have had to edit a few details that were very specific but I know that you have been unhappy with your partner for many years and that you feel frightened of him and the future. No one can tell you what to do but you do deserve to be happy and life free from fear and I hope that this is your first step towards that future.

Please try the helpline when you next get a safe time to ring, they can help you to safety plan and talk you through all your options. Please don’t let him know that you are reaching out for help and support as it might make his behavior escalate if he feels you are slipping out of his control.

We are all here for you so please phone the helpline and then post to let us know how you got on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Ayanna]

If you can speak to Rights of Women.
He may have to pay you maintenance.
Get in touch with your local Women’s Aid and make a plan how to leave.
You will see, it is less scary than you think in the end and what awaits you is freedom.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your replies. The problem, the main problem as I see it, lies in my long period of learning to appease this man. I have so many triggers for backing down because I am afraid. If he feels he is not getting enough attention or I am ignoring him he will behave badly, verbally abusing me or criticizing me. This hurts, so to stop the hurt i pretend to care, I pay him attention, and the abuse stops. So like an animal I have learned to give in order to ward off pain. The thing is, when I tell him I want to leave, he will carry on as usual and I am afraid i will click back into appeasement mode, as I have trained myself to do. Anything to avoid feeling bad. I have to learn to push through this response and not rush in and save him from what is actually he truth. I do not love him. It’s such a twisted dynamic.

[KIP.]

You don’t have to tell him you are leaving. Sort out accommodation behind his back and just leave secretly. Make sure you take important documents and have evidence of finances for solicitor. My ex emptied the bank account after he was arrested so plan carefully. Women’s aid can help with this x

[Author]

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