I feel like a trapped animal…this month I need him out

[Rainbowcloud]

Christmas was pretty rubbish and now it’s the weekend it all starts again. (detail removed by moderator) I had complete silent treatment all day for no reason I asked what was wrong I got the morning reply. He had been nice a few days before this the honey moon period then I feel the atmosphere change to the build up phase. Then (detail removed by moderator) the puppy had an accident in the house so he came down shouting saying it was my fault I had just put her out (detail removed by moderator). Just sick to death of being told what to do when to make drinks when to clean what to wear to work or shopping. I wear makeup to go shopping so therefore I’m having an affair (detail removed by moderator) I just want him to leave me alone to be my own person to watch what I want on the tv to do my hair and makeup and dress up if I want to. Use my phone without him staring at me like he’s going to kill me. I’m a grown woman in my (detail removed by moderator)’s not a child. Everyday I plan how I’m going to get out but it never comes he’s just completely off his nuts then he says I’m cold and not loving anymore what does he expect to happen after years of brainwashing and mental abuse I hate him.
A part of me loves him still when he’s being nice and decent but I mostly detest all that he is and his fake ness and underneath how boring he actually is. I tried to play a game with him the other day (detail removed by moderator) he said he was bored and had enough (detail removed by moderator).
I would never keep asking him why he shaves or why he’s using his phone or what to wear to work etc I don’t care if he was cheating it would help me out but he’s not he’s there 24.7 the other night he said he was staying up when I went to bed I was so happy I thought yes I can text my friends see how Xmas was etc but no up he came to lie next to me I hate him

[lover of no contact]

It’s so horrible living with the real them. Everything they do is for control and to make us feel bad. They need us to feel bad then they feel good. They are 7 year olds in an adults body. It’s so hard living with it. I was where you are, feeling trapped and no way out. But keep posting and get support and as we change the situation changes. I started to become aware and get support and then luckily he sent me a solicitors letter to separate. That’s how it ended for me. I couldn’t end it myself I felt too trapped. His solicitors letter to me was an answer to a lot of prayers I made as I couldn’t stand the emotional pain of which you’re going through now. You will get out of the cycle of abuse in 2020 of you keep posting, reading the posts, phone calls to WA etc

[Rainbowcloud]

My friend I just confided in her she really annoyed me in what she said and I know she don’t mean it but she said he needs help to figure himself out and why you both make each other so unhappy it’s not good for either of you like this is a normal break up or a normal relationship which we should also feel sorry for him!
He’s unhappy because he hates himself I don’t make him happy or unhappy she half like said it was both of us which it isn’t! It’s him it really upset me I wanted her to take my side who cares about him he doesn’t care avout me or the kids. It’s not a normal relationship she doesn’t know because she has never been in this position.

[lover of no contact]

I had the same experience with one of my friends. Her response upset me so much in that she implied there was a pair of us in it. That was many years ago and now to this day she will always ‘defend ‘ his actions. When he reached the height of his abuse towards me and the children she still had a ‘victim’ blaming attitude and an attitude of going easy on the perp. In the same school friend group however my other 4 friends could see him for exactly what he was , a big bully. However once when she came across him and he was trying to charm her she totally blanked him when he was trying to engage, so I was happy with her response in that situation and felt her support. However she will always be the devils advocate. Now I just accept it and try not to talk about him at all. She herself was discarded by an abuser after 3 decades and triangulated with his new supply. Her dad was also an abuser , her mum abused by he dad and I’ve heard her say there’s a pair of them in it as Regards their arguments. Which weren’t really arguments as such but as we know the abuser creating fighting and unrest. So it’s your friends issue. Try not to let it upset you as I let it upset me alot at the time. I would not bring him up in conversation again with her as her response will always be the same. She can support you in other ways.

[Catjam]

I am in the same situation. If my phone goes off I have to tell him who it is. I have taken to putting it on silent. If he is home and I am out, he rings to find out when I will be home especially if I am at work, but he rings with a question about something trivial then adds the time home question so it’s like a normal conversation. If I wear something nice but aren’t with him he doesn’t like it. I stopped going out with friends years ago so now I have no social life that doesn’t revolve round him or my kids. He would sulk for days if I had been out.
I also have people around me who think he is amazing, they agree some of his ways are a little off but it’s only because he loves me so much, that they wish their husbands were so protective but my sister and one friend believe me. They are desperate for me to leave him but understand it’s not that easy.
Unfortunately because these men are so skilled in their manipulation of us it’s sometimes hard to know what’s normal. I too wish he would meet someone else and on my really bad days I hope he dies. Not something I am proud of but I imagine the police knocking at the door to tell me and I try to work out if I will be upset.
I am reading ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft, it’s quite illuminating. Stay strong and take care xx

[Rainbowcloud]

I think that too about his demise I feel terrible but it’s natural because they suffocate us so badly and so needy too it’s draining

[KIP.]

Yep, I used to pray he wouldn’t come back from his hill walking. I would imagine him falling down a gulley with a broken leg and I wouldn’t be reporting him missing. It’s terrible that we are so trapped we would rather he died because we cannot walk away. I’m free now and I can see how absolutely dysfunctional that thought process is x

[HopeLifeJoy]

Had to laugh KIP reading above.
I still imagine getting that one call telling me he’s finally dead.

[KIP.]

I also used to go to bed at night and not want to wake up. To go from one bad thought to another. It’s so different now. I go from one good thought to another. One good experience to another. These men drag us down to their miserable world. Everything is a problems for them. They suck the enjoyment and happiness in life from us. I was a shell of a person. I don’t recognise myself now. I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to be free. It’s almost spiritual. A second chance at life x

[KIP.]

Hopelifejoy, I imagined that too for a while. In fact I got a letter from my solicitor with deeds for my home and it said they had been signed ‘by my late husband’. I can tell you my excitement went off the scale. Sadly just a typo from them but when I rang to ask if he was actually dead or not I think they were surprised at my disappointment. I’ve kept that letter for when I’m needing cheering up 😂

[HopeLifeJoy]

Goodness that’s priceless 😄 lol It must have felt like a huge relief even if it was just for a moment.

[KIP.]

I also admit to feeling jealous when women came on here saying their ex had died, even the ones that killed themselves. I used to think how great that would feel to never have to look over your shoulders again.

[HopeLifeJoy]

I know, it gives a sense of peace and safety, as in the chapter is closed for good. Real closure.

[siba]

Rainbowcloud he sounds just like my ex! Very passive emotional abuse…. silent treatment, accusations of being cold and not loving him, stalker like behaviour needing to know where i was, insinuations that i was cheating even though i was with him ALL the time, having a go at me if i was using my phone or if it beeped too often, even if i went to bed early to have a bit of time to myself he’d come too and i’d be so annoyed at being followed to bed! All I can say to you is that it was the most difficult thing ever to leave him (it took me (detail removed by moderator) months to mentally get strong enough) but I felt so much relief when he wasn’t around any more and I was able to just do my own thing in my own house. It really helped me to make a list of all his negatives and whenever I had a weak moment, I’d look at the list and ask myself can I really put up with this any longer? And for the rest of my life? The answer was always no. I found calling Women’s Aid a MASSIVE help, they’re amazing.

[siba]

One thing you need to plan is who will leave. Is it your house and would he need to leave? I’m having problems with this at the moment – I can’t get him to leave. At first he went to stay with his family and that was amazing for me but he’s returned now and is refusing to leave unless I give him what he wants as a divorce settlement… If it’s just your home and you’re not married you can probably just change the locks and kick him out. If you’re not married, count your blessings you found out now and get shut of him asap!

[Author]

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