10th March 2022 at 5:17 pm #140240
Hello everyone , I have posted on this forum before but just to go over my story in a nutshell- I got an indef restraining order a few years ago and a couple (removed by moderator) after that contacted him 💁♀️ Since then I have never met up with him it’s been just phone calls. I don’t ring or text him at all I only did a few times after my initial contact. Since then it has got really bad, constant calls texts where am I/ (removed by moderator) I realise I have reaped what I’ve sewed I know this and live with the guilt everyday . I’ve still got some of his stuff at mine from when he was here (removed by moderator) he said he wanted it back, I said I’d send it to him and he said oh your not ever going to meet up with me then ? He is very intimidating and I stupidly said oh let’s see I might do that 😱 I can’t believe I am so stupid but as I said he’s intimidating and says things like no one has me over in a sinister voice. I have now come to the point where I can see no way out of this (I’ve read posts on here about breaking restraining order from victims side and it’s not good) is there anyone that can just give me some kind words, I know I have been stupid I know , thank you for reading this x
10th March 2022 at 6:09 pm #140242Grey RockParticipant
Hiya. I too made made the mistake of allowing contact while a restraining order was in place. It gradually got more intimidating and pressured and crazy. When I spoke to the police when he started being threatening again they assured me that it was him that broke his restraining order, and although it isn’t helpful if we allow contact, we haven’t broken any laws (despite my ex convinced me that I had and held that over me for a while).
In the end I had enough of the bullying and texted to say I was going to honour the restraining order and asked him to do the same and that I’d report and further contact to the police. I then got busy blocking him on phone and social media and setting email so it’d go directly into a folder id set up for him. He did set up other accounts and got different phone numbers so he could get around the blocks but when he realised I’d just block those too he stopped. He then started contacting other people, smearing my character. All the usual stuff these men do. Each time it was reported. He eventually stopped. The restraining order issued by the court ends soon though. I’m just hoping he’s not going to start his nonsense again.
A book that really helped me to go no contact properly was Out of the FOG (Fear Obligation and Guilt). If you haven’t read it, this may be worth a read.
10th March 2022 at 6:16 pm #140243KIP.Participant
I’m glad the fog has cleared and you’re seeing why you had to get a restraining order in the first place. These men are toxic and like a drug addiction. A victim on average will return 7 times to an abusive relationship. You have not broken any law. He has. He could easily have blocked you or asked you not to contact him as there is a restraining order in place but he chose to be threatening and manipulating and breach that order. Talk to the domestic abuse unit and don’t try to deal with him on your own.
10th March 2022 at 6:28 pm #140245
GR and KIP hello to you both
Thank you so so much for your reply’s , you don’t know how helpful this has been to me x I’ve spent my day at work crying and shaking and I have to deal with patients who I think today were more worried about me than I should have been about them 😮 GR I must work up the courage to do that , tbh I thought I was the only one who had done it , thank you so much x KIP also your advice as always is exemplary, thank you x I suppose I feel like a fraud and that just isn’t me , I I am a very straight living well over 50 lady 😳 Thank you so much for your reply’s , I feel I can sleep tonight and I feel that much stronger , thank you xx
10th March 2022 at 10:51 pm #140257Grey RockParticipant
Hi Cedarlemon. I’m sending prayers and a hug your way tonight. Oh, these men know how to get in our heads and hearts. Mine hooked me into communication a number of times starting with suicide threats. Since then I’ve learned how common that is. By the end of it I’d educated myself through reading books recommended here and by women’s aid, and online searches, and also through Dr Ramani and Melanie Tonia Evans. Those Dr Ramani YouTube videos used to scare me a bit, but everything she warned might happen dud. The final time I left I’d learned so much that I was able to safeguard myself better practically and emotionally against his antics. Although his attempts at a smear campaign did scare me big time. He told me he’d turn everyone against me and gave it a b****y good try. Thankfully most people saw through it and he just showed himself up. Although I’m sure that there’ll have been some collateral damage with more distant acquaintances that I’ve remained blissfully unaware of. They’re the least of my problems though.
Have you considered signing up for a Freedom Program? You can sign up online for about £20 I think. I did it online as a zoom meeting and it was really useful.
Going no contact seemed really scary to me. One because I didn’t want to enrage him, and two because I kind of felt like if I did pick the phone up at least if know what he was up to. Then I realised that his rages were going to happen whatever I did or didn’t do. And that he was so eratic and dishonest that listening to his ranting and raging and lies and manipulation didn’t inform me at all, it just kept me in a spell of fear.
I remember those days going through work feeling suck, Shakey and jumpy, unable to think about the job properly because all I could think about was him. What he was thinking, feeling, doing or saying. It made me quite I’ll in the end I think. I felt like I’d lost myself and couldn’t see how I could ever find myself again. Luckily I was able to talk to someone at work (a colleague in a staff wellbeing role). There were some days when I was in such a state I feared I was losing my mind.
But going no contact did make things better, along with a restraining order (he went to court for stalking and harassment – that made him very cross, and of course, he never took responsibility for doing it, just got angry that he was reported and held to account). I picture him like Rumplestiltskin when his name is discovered at the end of the story, hopping up and down with rage, eyes bulging and that horrible spittle at the corners of his mouth that he always got when he was raging. And I was careful to move where he couldn’t find me, change my car, my phone number in the end too as I got fed up with him sidestepping the blocks. I use social media to follow my friends posts but don’t post anything informative on there as I know he’s likely to see things on there despite the blocks. I’ve learned that the hard way, but have also used it in my favour, joining FB groups for villages and events that I have no connection to in order to create a false train when he was stalking me. My goodness, I had to get so flipping sneaky!!
Keep reading and posting. And if you haven’t already contacted women’s aid or the equivalent in your area please do consider it. It’s good to be able to talk about this stuff with people who understand, and they really do.
Ps. The light shines through the darkness, and darkness will not overcome.
11th March 2022 at 5:39 am #140265
Wow we could be talking about the same man and that did make me chuckle with your description of Rumplestiltskin, absolutely , these men are deluded with their self entitlement and as you said he will be enraged either way . I do have a very good line manager at work who knows my situation and she is always there for me . I will look at Dr Ramani and Melanie Evans , as I think the more I can learn about this will make me stronger. I feel like I tread on eggshells everyday when he rings , trying not to say anything which might enrage him but this never works because he needs the drama like the true n********t he is. If I dare to interrupt him while he is speaking he says how dare you interrupt me I haven’t finished my sentence , so I then go quiet and then he says why aren’t you speaking is your mind on something else like your ex partner ? He totally freaks me out when he does that and makes me feel that I’m actually doing that when obviously I’m not 😳 A total head [email protected]@k !! Thank you so much again for your advice , I have got to do something for my own sanity tbh and I love your quote at the end of your post , and thank you I will keep on posting , I’ve just felt ashamed of what I did. Thank you again xx
10th March 2022 at 11:29 pm #140260Twisted SisterParticipant
sending you strength and hope for a better future and for you not to be so hard on yourself. This is one of the most difficult life events ever, it truly is, please be patient and kind to yourself. You are not under any obligation legally to do anything. He, however, is not allowed to contact you, and would be breaking the law to do so, so no matter how much you contact him, he is legally bound not to contact you, end of.
I am so sorry that you are suffering so badly as a result of what you see as legal breaches, but they are not.
He has been told very clearly never to contact you again, yet he has. It doesn’t matter that you contacted him, he has a lifetime non=moldestation in place and he breached it. Thats on him.
Please take care of yourself and look after yourself as well as I’m sure you look after your patients.
11th March 2022 at 5:50 am #140266
Thank you so much for your kind message. Yes he keeps saying to me ‘well you rung me’ as if it gives him a right to be more abusive . I think the guilt has played on my mind and made me wake up everyday thinking why on earth did I do that ? Now I feel that I can regain my strengths and can move forward and not wake up thinking oh no not another day .. Thank you ts xx
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