I feel like I can see him more clearly now

[SunshineRainflower]

I wanted to share that I feel like something shifted after my last counselling session, and it has resulted in my being able to see him more clearly now for who he really is. I’ve known he was abusive since ended it, but still felt a lot of confusion about it. It’s like I’ve taken a small step back and can look at him and his behaviour more objectively. I thought the fog lifted when you left but I am thinking that it probably takes a few years for it to fully lift. It hasn’t stopped it from hurting, but it has been accompanied by a small sense of calm and peace.

He fits those lists of red flags of domestic abusers so well it is almost funny, like they are describing him. A textbook abuser.

I can see how he manipulated me now, can see how he tricked me into dating him through guilt trips, lies and gaslighting. I can see that each ‘nice’ act was actually just grooming. Before I used to think I had this lovely boyfriend, but it’s like I can just see through it all now, like a sheer curtain where the light has been switched on behind it and you can see everything, where previously it was obscured.

I know that the feeling might not last but it feels calming being able to see him for who he really is. It makes me feel so lucky to have escaped, makes me realise that I lost nothing in ending things with him as I never actually had anything worth having with him anyway, he had nothing to offer me.

[KIP.]

I love your post. You lost nothing because he brought nothing to the relationship. But you gained your freedom, your independence, your dignity. I’ve always thought we are everything without them, they are nothing without us. The good thing is that the longer you are away, the better life gets 😃

[Borntobefree]

Hi sunshinerainflower

When I left my abuser.. and studied the power and control wheel it hit a light bulb

It’s been well over a year since I left my abuser .. I can not understand why he even used his kids against me .when I did nothing wrong

I say a meme

It read why did she stay…why did he abuse

Police just don’t get it after they failed me so bad … live and learn suppose ..so happy you are free X

[iwillbeok]

Thanks for this post – I find I’m still finding out who this stranger I was married to for x decades really was. He is like a ghost one minute clear – abusive, cynical, cruel, sarcastic; the next like a grey figure I can’t pull into focus (except that hes a large, hulking mass); the next he’s a damaged, struggling man-child who I couldnt help…

I saw a TED talk where the abuse survivor said she didnt realise she was being abused, she thought she was a strong woman trying to help a deeply troubled man. This struck such a cord with me. But this leads to thoughts of what I could have done more to help him, to ‘fix’ him. The answer to that of course is nothing!

I am getting slowly better at seeing him throught other’s eyes – my family, my friends and my therapist. When i see their disgust/hurt/anger on my behalf, I realise I am still downplaying what he put me through…

X

[Serenity]

I would also say that we need not feel that we lost everything by giving up so much time and energy for them.

Everything that was positive in the relationship – or that we imagined was positive- came from us, not them.

They tried to pretend that they were our soul mate, it that they thought like us or shared our values- but the truth is they are just empty and fake – they pretend to be whoever they think their victim wants them to be, in order to hook them.

But we are real. Our values are consistent, genuine and real; we have true feelings and emotions; we have a conscience; we have qualities and talents; we are real people with positive aspects to our character, and we can build a positive life without them, whatever that means for each of us.

For some, that will mean doing exciting things they were never permitted to do; for others, it will simply mean the peace and luxury of a quiet life x

[Confused123]

glad to hear u identifying he did

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks for your replies everyone.

This evening I had a cry as I decided to watch a programme that we used to watch together which we both seemed to like. It was in the beginning when he was being all sweet and I thought I had this lovely boyfriend. I remember sitting on the sofa curled up next to him holding his hand and it made me feel so, so sad remembering how much I enjoyed cuddling up to him. As time went on, it sounds strange but he started to position his body at an angle away from me on the sofa and slouch so that it was really hard for me to cuddle him. I wonder if he was doing it as a sort of psychological abuse towards me ie. lack of affection and the implication that he didn’t really want to cuddle me like I wasn’t very lovable or attractive or something. It makes me feel so sad. I have a picture of him sat in this horrible diagonal slouch and he has his eyes narrowed looking right into the camera in a sort of cold disdainful snarl. I am so glad I captured it because it’s been a great picture to help remind me of what he’s really like when my brain gets confused and misses the time when he was nice to me. Still hurts like hell though, I bawled my eyes out this evening and had to hug a pillow, god I feel so lonely sometimes 🙁

I have been thinking this week that in one way I have sort of returned to the place I was in before I met him, only with several massive life lessons under my belt. It has been making me think about what attracted me to him in the first place and what made me attractive to the abuser:

1. I had struggled to make new friends or meet any nice men despite trying lots of activities and volunteering over several years and so returned to the dating site as a last resort
2. I was really lonely and mostly just wanted a companion after losing most of my friends since they got partners of their own
3. I was really, REALLY bored and fed up with my life situation and felt like I’d exhausted all my ideas of how to improve things and thought having a boyfriend would lift me up and I could continue to improve my life alongside a partner
4. I was feeling pretty ignored and unimportant in the world. I felt disconnected from society and the community due to lack of job and little social life
5. I had been ignored, disrespected etc by most of the other men I had met on the dating site that year or if I’d dated them I found out they were already married whilst on the date or were living with their exes, basically the few men who had been interested had been awful, lying scumbags
6. I was scared that I was getting older and wasn’t as attractive anymore and that the older I got the harder it would be to meet someone so I felt like I needed to find someone asap especially if I wanted children

I guess it was much easier to fall for the charm and the lies rather than face up to the challenge of trying to improve my life, which I’d been trying to do for years. The sad thing is, I am back there again and really just need to accept that this is where I’m at, that I’m not happy with my life and that I need to make some changes. Trying to get a partner when you are bored and dissatisfied and unemployed is probably the worst thing I could have done but I just felt so stuck and didn’t know how to improve things. With my move tht at least feels like a big change so I can try and build on that. I worry that I struggle to make friends and new connections. Every time I try a new project I meet nice people but there is always one person everywhere I go who says something hurtful and offensive and rude which usually makes me stop going. I guess I’m going to have to deal with these rude people if I want to keep being involved with society, which I do. I just wish everyone could be kind and thoughtful and polite, I am stick of dealing with rude people saying insensitive, thoughtless things. I don’t feel very motivated to try yet more hobbies and activities but if I go the other way I start to feel really depressed and suicidal. I might start with a fitness class and a part time job and see how they go, at least then I will be back exercising more and the job will hopefully give me that societal connection and sense of purpose which is a step in the right direction.

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