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I write this through tears, I feel I am at rock bottom and it is suffocating me. After years of being mentally and psychologically abused by my boyfriend I decided to leave, as I thought this was the best decision for me and especially for my own mental health. Over the time we have been separated I finally started to feel like myself again, I started to feel like I had control back over my own life. A little while ago he managed to worm himself back into my life again and I know I am trauma bonded to him and I literally beg for the little bit of niceness he gives to me, when in reality most of the time he isn’t like that. Over the years he has been unfaithful many times and one time he had an affair, yet he picks at me constantly during arguments and he makes me feel like I am crazy. He will write me letters and then destroy them and then call me crazy and say he never wrote me anything when he did.
However, worst of all I feel like I have become the abuser, the last couple of arguments we have had I have lashed out physically and I feel so awful, I literally hate the person I have become and I hate what being in this relationship has done to me. He tells me it is all my fault and that I am the problem, never once acknowledging what he has done to me over the years, the mental torture he has put me through. He tells me all the time, that he feels sorry for the next person who is with me because I am a horrible person and that no-one will put up with me. I literally feel like I am having a panic attack when we argue, it has gotten to the point where I cannot handle the abuse any longer and I feel so low. We aren’t even together and I feel like this. He says he does not care about me etc but throws digs and snide comments at me all the time and if I mention anything he says it isn’t snide at all and that I shouldn’t be so senstive.
I’m not really sure the point of this post, I just feel like I don’t know where to turn to. I know i’m not this person. I am a good person, I just don’t recognise myself anymore.
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What you describe is exactly what abuse does to us. It makes us into people we don’t recognise. It’s good that you now know this, you’re enlightened. I went through decades not understanding. I had to hit rock bottom to realise that it didn’t matter what I did my ex would simply move the goal posts and keep abusing. That I tried everything to make it work but he just wanted an abusive relationship and I wanted a loving one. It boiled down to survival. I had to choose me or him and I chose me. You’ve been separated from him before and survived. This time you’re armed with the knowledge of what happens when you take him back. Do your have support from your local women’s aid? I’d also give the national domestic abuse helpline a call. You don’t have to put up with this. We are everything without them, they are nothing without us 💕
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