I feel like I'm going crazy, what do you do for distraction?

[banks]

I feel so much hurt today, i physically ache and cannot make myself do anything. And I know at the end of this, he will not be there to hold me and it seems like this will never end. I cannot stop ruminating in my head. I know i deserve better but he was very good at pretending, and the abuse was very subtle, so I am only now realising how deeply I was in and how destructive it was. Been NC for a short while, and once the anger subsided, it is much harder not to miss him. I will not reach out, because he betrayed me and basically left me no choice but to leave, got caught red handed, but I still miss him so much (or who I thought he was). What do you do ladies when you feel like this? I tried reading, tidying the house, but anxiety won’t let me do much so ended up sitting here and feeling hurt and numb.

[Poodlepower]

I exercise. I need to lose some weight-my partner controlled my eating so i gained quite a bit while we were together, something me mocked me for, especially towards the end. I’m getting into yoga too.

I’m also spending lots of time with my friends. I’m very lucky that they’ve been so supportive, I hardly saw them when I was with my partner.

I always wanted to try dressmaking , so I’ve been having a go at that too.

I’ve decided I need to have some adventures , so am having a working holiday (detail removed by moderator) next year.

Basically , all the things I couldn’t do when I was with my partner I’ve been doing.

I miss him very, very much in spite of everything he did and I do get lonely without him. But when my thoughts turn to missinfg him, I force myself not to dwell on those thoughts. It’s very, very difficult and sleep is hard, as I find it harder to control my thoughts when im dropping off. But I want to live and enjoy my life.

Try to keep busy and try new things. It’s not easy, but it gets easier with time.

[banks]

Thank you for your suggestions, Poodlepower. Good work with going to the gym, and sorry to hear he was used to say these things to you and control you in this way, really proud of you for finding the motivation to exercise!

I used to run and swim, but it is hard to motivate myself. Also bc of the abuse and his encouragement i am now very underweight and feel really weak. But after reading your post I signed up for the half-marathon i always wanted to do and will start training from Monday. Maybe it will help me feel a bit better.

Thanks for other suggestions, too. It is early days for me, and as with many other survivors, he was ‘my whole world’ so it’s hard now to fill the time. Family helps and friends are there, too. I guess I just want the pain to stop but there is no easy way. It is also hard to talk to people who never experiences this, as they are surprised I miss him despite him treating me the way he did.

Sleeping is awful, too. I have few sleeping pills left and I am dreading what is going to happen when i’m out. I know it’s silly, but before falling asleep, I used to always think about him, our life together etc so now it’s so hard to find something to think about, if that makes sense.

Thanks again for your post x

[Anabela]

Hello, I also agree with exercising. I go to the gym and I think it keeps me sane. From stress with dealing with the aftermath of the relationship as well as any other life related stress. Well done, for signing up for the marathon you wanted. I think the main point of doing sports is to get strength rather than loosing weight. So if you slowly start exercising, you will get more and more energy. 🙂
I also find going for a walk very helpful. Whenever I have something tough on my mind that I feel I can’t concentrate on anything else, I go to the old town and walk, walk, walk, walk fast. Since I am in love with my old town it always gives me a positive vibe.
Also, I started enjoying sitting by the river and watching ducks, or sitting in a park. But it depends, it is not always helpful 🙂
And Baking. I always used to like baking. but stopped for a few years and now I am starting doing it again, buying baking equipment, looking for recipes, actually baking. It always gives me a lot of positivity. So I think if there is any hobby you like, try doing it 🙂
As for sleeping, I am lucky to always feel deadly tired by the time I go to bed and I fall asleep within seconds. But there are days when I struggle. And then I put some meditation music on (I used to do that while in relationship with him too to calm myself down after an argument, or when I knew he was with another woman and that worked).
Or going for coffee because I love good cappucino or latte. If I don’t want to do anything else, I go out to town to drink coffee and read a book or just drink coffee. That always helps. Especially if you can find a quiet place.
I really understand how upsetting it is when close people just don’t get it that you can still miss him. My parents did not get that. Some of my friends did not get that. But women on this forum do 🙂
Hope you will start feeling better 🙂

[Tiffany]

When I couldn’t settle to anything else I used to do colouring in. I got a book out of a cheap book shop for a couple of quid, and just coloured stuff. More recently I got into zentangles – which is a sort of system of meditative drawing. And I knit and sew. I can’t exercise as much as I wish because of health problems, but when I can getting out in the outdoors walking or gardening helps.

[Poodlepower]

Great to hear you’re doing the half marathon Banks! I feel so much better after a visit to the gym, exercise really does lift my mood. Having a goal like that will hopefully give you positive focus- that’s how it works for me anyway.

Yes, it’s painful that many people don’t understand how we can miss them. People have said to me “at least you can enjoy life now!” “I’ll help you get him out of your house.” (They meant his possessions-he took his own life after his arrest for assaulting me) and so on. Of course I couldn’t be with him. He was controlling and violent and I was in danger when I was with him. But we did have a bond, or at least I felt we did. He probably manipulated me into believing that, but at the time it felt like Love and when he was being like that, I was so happy with him. I don’t think you could understand that if you haven’t been through it like we have.

[banks]

Thank you so much ladies!!

Anabela these are some good suggestions, thank you. And I am so glad to have found this place. It is tough to go through break up, but adding this painful withdrawal and people look at me like I am trying to make my suffering worse than theirs if that makes sense? I am not. I am just trying to explain, but it is mostly in vain. And then I feel like I am making a victim out of myself.

Tiffany – I will get a colouring book tomorrow. I believe in trying anything, and this sounds like something that could occupy mi mind for a while when I do not feel like I can focus on reading etc. thank you so much!

All your ladies suggestions about taking up a new hobby. I do not know what I like anymore. I guess I did not have my own identity for a while now, so it is hard to find ‘self’ again. I will try tho, and hope with time I can enjoy things on my own again.

I am moving house this weekend, so back to town from staying with family and it is tough. Cried all day, then tried to think that he never really loved me in the first place. He would not lie and hurt me if he did. But cannot help hurting as we were supposed to move in together and now I am moving to a single room in a shared property.

Poodlepower, I am so sorry to hear this and thank you for sharing with me. Sending you hugs. I think deep down we will always miss them a little. It is nearly impossible to believe that none of that was real, and I know there were times when I was happy, too. I understand I deserve better, but people do not understand I have to actively tell myself this every waking minute, because my heart and my brain know two different versions of this person and sometimes I go crazy trying to think which one is real.

Thank you for all your messages,

Banks x

[Anonymous]

But cannot help hurting as we were supposed to move in together and now I am moving to a single room in a shared property.

Celebrate this! This is wonderful news. Thisnis you giving yourself the chance to heal from an abusive relationship rather than keeping yourself in harms way. Where you live is not important, how you think about it is extremely important. This is a wonderful thing you’ve done. You are not a victim. You are a survivor and you’re doing just great.

I too am only (Detail removed by Moderator) weeks no contact. (Detail removed by Moderator) my
Husband camped only a few metres from me. (Detail removed by Moderator) I tortured myself with thoughts that all I had to do was walk over, suggest he put the kettle on, we could have a brew and forget all about his nonsense. It was tough and I spent the entire weekend obsessing about him until I spoke to a friend and the friend helped me to reframe the whole situation and see it as a challenge not a weakness.

My friend also gave me some advice they said as soon as a thought came into my head about him, any thought at all, then I shouted BE GONE! Either to myself or out loud. I then replaced the thought with another more pleasant one. I’ve been doing this all week and I can see my thought patterns changing.

Good luck.

[freedomtochoose]

Thankyou for posting this thread. Think I needed to read it today. My babes is going away today for x weeks, the longest time in the yaer and unfortunately this means I have to see my ex for the handover (in a public place).

It doesn’t seem to matter what I do in the run up to this, I still feel scared and depressed.

I find it very difficult to share my feelings around this with anyone apart from people on here who I am sure understand.

I will be back in the house later. My assignment came back this week with the worst mark I’ve ever had – I’m not a perfectionist but the comments on it really got me down and I had plans for next year, needed the marks and don’t know if I will get them now. I don’t know what is wrong with people sometimes (and I’m sure it is not all just me) but some people seem completely unable to offer even a modicum of praise. They go on about a praise sandwich i.e. say what you did well, say what you could improve on and finish on a note of praise..but my tutor doesn’t know the meaning of the words ‘well done’ and somehow this has really hit me hard this week, I guess because my babes is going away and usually I have to work really hard for us both to stay on the level emotionally. I get so fed up with people who don’t know me saying I am ‘triggered’ when actually they don’t know what triggers me and assume that I am triggered by something when I’m not. Anyone else have this problem?

Usually, if I had enough money I would go and try to treat myself after the handover but I don’t have a lot at the moment and feeling emotionally exhausted, unfit and tired.

I really applaud everyone on here for making a move towards getting fitter. I was actually pretty good at it but got trapped nerve in my back in (Detail removed by Moderator) which has only gradually got better. Could you lovely ladies think of me this morning and I hate doing the handovers.

I am hoping in terms of well being that at least I can rest when I get back, there will be less washing up and housework to do, or washing.

thanks
ftc
x

[freedomtochoose]

Sorry to go off topic. Have asked for a remark but it is an impossible process. You know feeling as if no matter how much effort I put into something, it doesn’t work…

[banks]

Freedomtochoose – thinking of you this morning xx it must be really hard to deal with all this at once, so try and get through the handover and do something nice for yourself when you get home, maybe a bath? We are here if you need to talk.

As for your assignment, well done for doing all the hard work, so proud of you. It is a shame not everyone can have a tutor who can be encouraging and I know the feeling of being a bit down and deflated, but let me say WELL DONE again for doing work to improve yourself and your life. It is incredible that you take care of yourself and your babes and I assume do some sort of a course and take care of the house and I am sure many more things. Go easy on yourself today, you are amazing xx

baggytrousers – I know, you’re totally right. I left because caught him lying again and cheating and cannot imagine what would I do if this has happened after we signed the lease. I would be stuck. So thank you for reminding me how lucky I was to escape, and how lucky I am to have the chance to heal. Thinking of you and hoping you can have a safe space to heal, too xx

[freedomtochoose]

thank you so much banks it means the world to me today
Yes, just about to leave in taxi and do the biz
thank you for saying I could check in when I got back.
I will go for walk on beach after

[banks]

good luck xx

[everythingwillworkout]

Hey banks, sorry to hear about how you have been feeling – it can be really painful and overwhelming often x. I agree that exercise is a good one – I like to run and I love going to dance class.

I also use something could Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, that helps you deal with overwhelming, painful emotions. I have the Dialectical Behavioural Therapy workbook from Amazon and it is fab. I also find journalling really, really helpful – it works as a container for my feelings and helps me vent and process them and see things in a new light, getting some space between my feels and I.

I also like spending time around positive people and I work on building my self esteem every day so I can connect better in the world and I’m less held back by the self-esteem destroying things that my abusive ex’s/family members did and said to me. We all need connection, but to connect we need to be able to be a little bit vulnerable which is so hard after abuse. Connection helps us heal and see how good positive, healthy relationships can be and help us to see we deserve so much more than our c****y ex’s.

Hope you feel better soon 🙂 – sending hugs your way!

[banks]

I will check it out – have not heard of it but willing to try anything 🙂 journalling helps to put things into perspective for me, but sometimes even writing does not help.

Thank you for writing this. It is heartbreaking when people closest to you put you down and make you feel bad about yourself, I am glad found the courage to go out there and try and connect with people. I sometimes feel like I will never be able to trust enough to connect again, but seeing that it is ‘normal’ to feel this way after abuse and that I am not alone really helps.

[freedomtochoose]

Wondered how things were going banks.
I got aching muscles after today cos I was scared and adrenalin rushing round.
So forced myself to have a bath (as advised by yourselves) – eat simple uncomplicated food
beans on toast, chicken sandwich tomato salad and drink shed loads of water and organic milk.

So my head is feeling slightly better now. I also when musbles ache that much after such a day – use arnica balm weleda which is expensive but gardeners and athletes use it and it seems to help.

Very tired here but hoping to sleep okay tonight. Tomorrow is another day.

ftc
x

[banks]

Hi ftc, glad to hear you had a bath and ate something. How are you feeling now? Thanks for the remedy recommendation, i often get bad back so will try it out.
I am nearly done with the flat moving. Family is here to help but they are not actually, tell me my new room is ‘not that bad’ but i cannot stop crying for what could have been but never will be. I want to be alone but cannot and today has been the worst so far since I left.
I hope you can sleep, be proud that you got through today, I am proud of you xx

[freedomtochoose]

Thanks Banks.
I’m sorry today has been the worst since you left.
I feel it is really good that you have cried, it is potentially healing.
I know what you mean about sometimes being on your own.
I slept for a few hours but strangely I seem to sleep for two hours and then wake up.
Guess it is that I have one eye open because babes is not here.
Just trying to go with that one though.
I am proud of you also – the flat moving is a huge undertaking and not surprising that things will come up.
Hope you can get some peace and quiet
hugs
ftc
x

[banks]

Thanks ftc, I went for a walk and ice cream with my neighbour last nigh, that was nice. I think I am mostly on edge because I know I can walk into him at any time after coming back to live in XYZ, and I think I just need to get used to this idea, and believe that even if I do, he has no more power over me and I can just walk away.
How are you today, have got anything nice planned? Did you sleep ok in the end? xx

Ladies, maybe you have some book recommendations? I was just wondering what to read next?

[freedomtochoose]

Hello there again,
I am doing the drinking lots of water thing and slow burning carbs. I had a really weird sleep first in a couple of hours and then really deeply. I try to accept these days that I am dealing with several things in dreams. I think I’m aware of the point in time that made me vulnerable now.

A recent friendship/relationship I managed to move away from and somehow the accusation came across that I am not capable of emotional intimacy. I think I sometimes find this scary this is true, but in total it can’t possible be true as I show appropriate love and affection to my babes.

I am okay basically my place is quiet but am struggling to find the meaning to it all. In the end I wrote back to my tutor and said that their comments were a result of their own stereotypes. I get so fed up of being sterotyped. Yes, we have issues, yes, we try to spell them out, but this is how we are and it doesn’t mean that we are total nutcases and have no idea what we are doing all the time.

Confused about that. I can’t seem to win with it. I bring up a child single-handedly – I do things for the future that other people wouldn’t dream of even trying to do and it is still not enough for some people. I’m getting to think it is some weird sort of version of jealousy….?

I understand it is very important for us to keep telling our story, especially since we were silenced for so long. Why do some people react as if we are dysfuncational and attention-seeking for trying to do that. ?
ftc
x

[banks]

Hi there, sorry I have not been able to reply before, today was crazy and the cleaning took me all day when my stuff was at my new place.

How was your day? I hope you get more peaceful sleep tonight.

It is scary, no doubt. But i also think or believe at least that right people will understand and wait for as long as it needs. Maybe some are not capable, I am not sure. But it is not on you. No one who has never gone through this will understand fully, how difficult is to trust and be vulnerable once you have been in a situation, where you find out everything you thought, loved and believed in was a lie. At least this is how I feel. I always loved him because I thought mistakes happen but he had good intentions. It is beyond me to be capable of lies to this extend, and now I do not know how to believe anything people say to me these days.

I am glad you wrote to your tutor. And I agree, sometimes it feels like no matter how much you do, it is not enough. But it is, really. You and other ladies here are such inspiration to me. I do not have a child with my ex, nor did I have a house or marriage, and seeing how strong and brave you are, and how capable you are of raising your child and bettering yourself is truly remarkable. All this, when still having to deal with your ex. So i guess it is hard because often people do not understand, or they think they do and then they say or do something that is quite hurtful, and I am not sure how to deal with this myself yet. I find even talking about it to other people makes me look like I am trying to make myself a victim, and they seem to pity me or react like I am oversensitive. But then I come here and I am so grateful to find someone who understands. I think people get uncomfortable, too. And they mistake speaking out with perhaps having some sort of agenda. I am not telling you about my abuse because I want your pity, but your understanding and compassion. If you are not capable of it, not much I can do. Sad, and frustrating but true.

I hope your day was not all bad. It must be hard missing your babes. Thinking of you and hope your tutor comes back with some more encouraging comments this time!

Banks xx

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