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I was determined, he left, I saw him be too rough with our child, I saw it! I know I did! I didn’t make it up.
Yet now I’m doubting it. Did I see it? Maybe I read it wrong? Maybe he’s not bad? Or risky? Maybe he has changed?
But it’s gone too far now, police and children’s services now involved. There’s no way back. If I do go back I won’t be deemed protective.
And now I’m desperately sad . Sad at the thought of never being with him again. I loved him. Maybe I still love him I don’t know. My mum thinks I’ve got stockholmes syndrome.
I feel like I’m losing it. I don’t know what’s fact and what’s fiction. Have I got all this wrong? -
You did the right thing for you and your child.
I know how it feels to doubt yourself. To wonder if you made it all up. To wonder was it really so bad?
But this is him still manipulating you. He’s clever – he knows what to say. He knows how to make you question what’s really true.
But you are strong – you can do this.
You don’t have any choice. For the sake of your child and for your own safety.
They always say that they’ll change. That it wasn’t like that.
But it was like that and from what I’ve seen – they can’t change. They just get worse.
Things WILL get better.
Sending love x
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Hi trying to sleep
Thank you for your support.
I’m intelligent, highly successful career wise, a doer, a fixer, an extrovert- the complete opposite to him. I don’t get how I’ve got here, how I’ve been so messed with, how I’ve tolerated so much that is wrong. I’m string normally but feel like all the fight has left me. I have nothing left.
seeing him with the police broke my heart. I wanted to run out there and defend him.
And then knowing I’d reported all the recent stuff meant there was no way back for us. It made me sad. I’m still sad. I wish he was cuddled up to me.
There were lovely parts of him a lot of the time.
Is feeling like this normal?
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Yes it’s normal and it gets better! Read up on trauma bonding – it explains so so much I found studying that helped me slowly make sense of things. Also be kind to yourself you are grieving the end of your relationship you are grieving the loss of so much of all the things you should have had in a loving relationship and the loss of the nice version of him. In time you will gain clarity and see him for who he really is. Baby steps it’s a journey. Be proud of yourself you have protected your children and got them and you safe. Your strength will return you just need to be kind to yourself. You can do this!
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Thank you watersprite,
I have looked into trauma bonding. It makes a lot of sense. I have also contacted a couple of services to try to get some support to process and work through all this. I M determined to recover from this. Just at the moment I’m taking comfort staying in my own house, my confidence and mental health has taken a knock. The fight will come back to me.
I’m so sorry we’re all in this position. Xx
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It’s normal for abuse yes, it’s the trauma bond, the FOG, the body’s addiction to the chemical released during the highs/lows & the cravings of losing that . You’ve been trained to care for his every need without realising it so of course it feels like a betrayal but it’s not – you know what you saw, you know protecting your kids is the priority. Look at his reactions too – that really helped me when the guilt and loss kicked in. Take some time to read and educate yourself about this stage, it’ll help.
You didn’t find yourself in this situation lovely, he hunted you out, selected his prey and hooked his claws in because you are a strong, capable, lovely human being. The exact opposite of what he is xx
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Thank you Bananaboat
That makes a lot of sense. I keep finding myself checking whether he’s emailed me and looking at his WhatsApp pic but I tell myself this will pass.
I’m starting to get a little angry with him. I’d prefer that emotion than the missing him one.I feel so silly being in this position and a little exploited. Thank you for taking the time to comment and help me xx
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Thank you for sharing your story. For years I thought that my ex-abusive husband would change, i.e., stop the drugs, drinking, stealing, womanising, and the incestuous relationship he had with his sister. How could I have loved, cared for and eventually married such a vile person? All because of the unhealed past childhood trauma I experienced as a young person. We act out what we internalise from our own parents. Looking back, I can see my ex-husband for who he is; a personification of my own abusive mother. He only found people attractive whom he could coerce into thinking he needed their life savings to spend on more drugs. I don’t feel I have ‘Stokhome’ syndrome anymore and realise that he has gone on to abuse even more people. It was this realisation that helped me to break my silence and it set me FREE from him and other people just like him. Perpetrators all go on abusing other people and when the act of pretending to not be abusive falls, they’ll either try to destroy you or be in the process of grooming someone else.
You did the right thing, and your children come to thank you for it, even though it doesn’t seem like it right now. Please remain safe and look towards a life of freedom.
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Hi Weather
Oh my, what a story. And you broke free from that!
I have some early trauma that I have been working through in counselling. I’ve realised I take on a lot of the guilt and blame because of early lived experiences and if only I’m better, nicer, prettier, it’ll all be better. Or I can help him. I know his own behaviour will also come from that and I’ve tried for far too long to try to help him. To no avail. He doesn’t want the help, but he wants me to keep trying to keep the cycle going. Thing is I’m not playing ball now and he’s gone deathly quiet which makes me worried as to what his next actions will be. My gut feeling is he will be out to destroy me as in his head I’ve got everything and he has nothing. Xx -
Dear Discombobulated,
Thank you for your message and for sharing your concerns. Be careful of when an abuser goes silent as they could be planning something awful. Have an exit plan; be sure to have a bag ready or your items stored with a trusted friend. I didn’t have anyone at the time of my departure, but had found a job away from the area of my abuse and managed to hire a removal van so that I could shift the bulk of my belongings. It’s hard and I hope you remain safe.
I look forward to hearing from you again, as it’s very isolating to experience domestic violence.
Lots of good karma your way,
Weather
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Hey,
You wouldn’t be protecting your child if you go back, social services would be correct. I’ve been in exactly that situation, being gaslit to wonder if he really was that bad: he was worse than I thought at the time, looking back, because I was so numb to the abuse and had become so used to it. I wasn’t functioning. I was diagnosed with Stockholm Syndrome by the court appointed psychologist. He was correct. Your mum is possibly correct.
Work with social services. Tell them 100% what happened with ZERO minimisation. They need to know your child is safe with you, and your child needs to feel safe. That’s never going to happen in an abusive situation. Volunteer to go on the Freedom Programme (Social services can make you a referral).
If your ex volunteers to go on a perpetrator’s programme, please don’t believe him until he’s completed it.
You are stronger than you realise. You have got this.
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