9th July 2021 at 11:26 am #128512AnonymousInactive
I’ll try and keep it short .
One night I had been out drinking,I come home and went to bed I woke to my husband having sex with me while I was asleep , I said no , he did it anyway . Fast forward a few weeks I had had a drink , and he knew I’d say no as we aren’t really getting along and I woke with him having sex with me , he prentended it never happend , I’m so upset I don’t want to speak about it, the more I think about it the more my Brain shuts me down, now I wish I never had a drink it makes me vunrable and he knew I’d say no . What do I do , he’s acting hurt like I did him wrong 🙁 . I clearly had to much to drink and was aware something was going on but by the time I had it was to Late .
No more drinking for me EVER !
9th July 2021 at 12:57 pm #128514
It’s rape and it’s not your fault. You did nothing wrong. You should be able to drink as much and as often as you like without him forcing himself on you. Ring the rape crisis helpline for support and advice. It’s not your fault x
9th July 2021 at 12:58 pm #128515
Google the Thames Valley Police video ‘a cup of tea’
9th July 2021 at 1:36 pm #128518ISOPeaceParticipant
Oh goodness, I’m so sorry to hear this has happened. It sounds really traumatic. KIP is 100% right, it’s rape. I actually just read an article on this exact topic, which seems to be alarmingly common. It says this:
“Rape myths are still incredibly pervasive. It’s commonly believed that if it’s your boyfriend or your spouse, if you’re sharing a bed, if you’re naked, if you consented earlier, then it can’t be rape. There is a really big difference between gently waking your partner and initiating sexual activity and actually doing something sexual or penetrating someone while they’re still asleep.
“The 2003 Sexual Offences Act is crystal clear,” she continues. “Consent can only be agreed when you have the capacity to make that choice – and if you’re asleep or unconscious, you don’t. We’re talking about rape – one hundred per cent.”
The article is in the Guardian. If you google an extract from the text above it should be easy to find. BUT I personally felt sick reading it and I haven’t experienced this kind of thing, so you may find it very triggering. I just wanted to mention it because you are very much not alone in this experience. I’ve seen other posts on it on this forum. The article explains that it’s not always taken as seriously as other types of rape but it is serious and it is traumatic. Your feelings are in no way over the top. You may find this extract useful:
“There seems to be a perception that something like this is a ‘lesser crime’ because it might not be at the hands of a stranger but your partner. But what would feel worse? Being pickpocketed by a stranger or robbed by someone you love and trust?” she asks. “The idea that you’re asleep so it didn’t require violence is also very dangerous. Penetrating someone’s body without their permission is an inherently violent act.
“Imagine being asleep and waking to find someone going through your personal things,” she continues. “Now imagine it’s your actual body that has been intruded into.”
There’s also reference to how this type of thing is more common in controlling relationships. No surprise I guess, because abusive men do think we are their possessions. The fact that he’s making out that HE’s the victim is classic abuser gaslighting and manipulation. It’s total invalidation of your feelings/experience and is truly brutal emotional abuse. Not only has he done this to you, but he’s taking away your right to feel how you feel and then expecting you to prioritise him.
He is not really feeling hurt. He’s just trying to deflect the attention from what he’s done and make you feel like you’re to blame. That how they get away with it. I mean, how can he feel hurt that he raped you? The only way possible would be if he views it as hurt about you rejecting him for sex or hurt that you’ve accused him of something that is legally rape…. it just makes no sense. Should he be exempt from the law because he’s special? Actually he does think that. He believes he has the right to do what he wants to you and that you should be complicit in that – in other words, your only crime is not also believing that he has the right to rape you. Sadly, you can’t change how he views things. If you read up on abuse, it might make more sense. Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft is what I always recommend.
I understand that you feel safer by not drinking. But please know that your drinking did not cause this. It is in no way your fault. It is a huge violation or your boundaries and basic human rights. Contact Rape Crisis for support. You deserve empathy and understanding, not gaslighting and blame. Sending lots of love xxxx
9th July 2021 at 3:51 pm #128524
The pickpocketed by a stranger or someone you love and trust really hits home. The complete breach of trust is such a shocking truth to accept and it took me a long time to accept it. To harm someone you’re supposed to love is beyond devastating to the victim. It took me a very long time to trust anyone again.
9th July 2021 at 3:46 pm #128523LisaMain Moderator
Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. I hope you find the forum a supportive place to be.
I can see you have had really supportive replies from KIP and ISOPeace. I am sorry to hear about what you are going through, you are not able to consent if you are asleep or if you have been drinking alcohol, so this is rape. Your husband has no respect for you and he has no right to do this to you. You should be able to have a drink without your husband abusing you like this. Giving Rape Crisis a call is a really good idea to talk about your options.
If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open 10am-6pm every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat
service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/
Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.
9th July 2021 at 4:03 pm #128525ladiesand gentlemenParticipant
Absolutely 100% rape
What a disgusting way to behave, drink or no drink you did NOT give consent
Please take all the advice you can, these ladies on the forum and at Women’s aid have SO much experience with every type of abuse. They will support you all the way
lots of love x*x
9th July 2021 at 4:16 pm #128526
You have every right to report this to the police. They have a specialist sexual assault department. If he should text or email you referring to this then please keep them. Also, keep a journal of his behaviour and when these incidents happened x
9th July 2021 at 4:25 pm #128527EggshellsParticipant
Welcome to the forum. I’m so sorry to hear of what has been happening. This is something that can feel really shocking. Many ofvthecladies know how traumatising this can be.
You feel like you’re his property because he treats you as though you are.
If you never drink again, he will still rape you I’m afraid. He’ll just find other ways, other excuses.
I’m wondering if sexual coercion has already been a feature of your relationship for some time?
KIP and ISOpeace have given you really good advice. Please do seek help from your local DV charity as soon as you feel able.
I have seen women totally paralysed by repeated rapes.
Please get yourself safe from him as soon as you can. xx
9th July 2021 at 6:53 pm #128534AnonymousInactive
If I say no to him he sulks , and is very passive aggressive if I ask what’s wrong he shuts me down with one word answers. he keeps trying and saying he(detail removed by moderator) and we are back to square one .
9th July 2021 at 7:09 pm #128536
It’s coercive control and manipulation by him. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and contact your local woman’s aid or call the national domestic abuse helpline for a chat. He’s not respecting your wishes or your boundaries and that is his choice. He knows exactly what he’s doing. Abuse always gets worse. These men feel entitled and when they don’t get their own way they become more controlling and aggressive. He’s not your friend and he doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t love you. Love doesn’t hurt us.
9th July 2021 at 8:40 pm #128539ISOPeaceParticipant
He will find ways to make the conversation go nowhere unless you give in. Or he’ll find other ways to coerce you into saying what he’s doing is OK.
It’s very hard to understand an abuser’s behaviour unless you know that the motivation behind it all is control. It’s impossible to try to make sense of it if you’re assuming he thinks like somebody who respects his partner and genuinely wants you both to be happy. He behaves as he does because he believes he’s entitled to force you to meet his needs.
He might convince you that he’s really hurt and feels rejected but he is actually feeling a loss of control. Losing control is unacceptable to an abuser so he will just carry on with this game or up the ante.
It’s probably easier to make sense of if you read it from an expert, like the books recommended above. Xxxx
9th July 2021 at 10:13 pm #128545AnonymousInactive
Thank you , I will make sure I read the books you have mentioned , you have all been so lovely , thank you
9th July 2021 at 11:07 pm #128548AnonymousInactive
This is so BAD!!!! I can imagine myself in your place! That’s why I don’t drink anymore so he can’t say anything what stupid things he made me do when I m drunk! He always provoked me when I m drunk!The thing is when he’s drinking and he wants sex and I don’t he gets angry and start calling me all kinds of words so for peace and quiet I just do it to make him go to sleep! Sounds stupid but unfortunately it’s just normal for me now!That is my life!
But your situation is just horrible it’s rape it’s sexual abuse! How do you cope with this ?
9th July 2021 at 11:16 pm #128549
Sadly we all normalised abuse as a coping mechanism and it’s not alcohol that causes abuse. Abuse is a choice these men make. We end up in survival mode where somehow we minimise the abuse just to get through the day. It destroys lives. Stunts growth and takes years to recover from x
10th July 2021 at 12:23 pm #128568
Yes using that four letter word will be shocking to you and your brain will fight to protect you. That four letter word damages you psychologically too x talk to your GP or someone you trust. You can bet if he does this he’s abusing you in many other ways too x
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