5th July 2021 at 6:41 pm #128291
Hello, I’m completely new here so not sure even done this right.
I mentioned to my neighbour, I was worried I may be going through a mild ptsd, with how I’d been feeling lately. They recommended this site, to see if it would be any good for me, so I’m trying it.
I am out of this situation now, but the memory of it feels heavy. It’s hard to accept myself as a survivor or victim because I carry guilt as if it was all my fault anyway.
My experience covers abuse, r*pe, self harm and suicide mentions just in case this is a trigger to anyone who may read this.
I’m not very good at writing in an order of what happened so it’s mostly darted around, I’m really anxious about even writing this as it feels like I’m reliving it but it’s eating away at me.
Recently my mind has been a bit hectic. I have a fiancé now, who is a great person, they know everything but sometimes I feel like I walk on eggshells automatically or flinch even although they aren’t doing anything.
My ex and I were together for (detail removed by Moderator) years, I honestly was just scared of what would happen if I tried to leave. I was just (detail removed by Moderator) nearly (detail removed by Moderator) when I met him, he was nice but I did notice odd things, I felt I needed to cut people out of my life in case he got angry. So, I had no contact with friends and little contact with my family – only my grandmother and mother were ‘allowed’ in a sense of if he needed money he knew I could ask them. If I didn’t, he was mad all day and it got to the point I was scared to say no, he would scream in my face and poke my chest/shoulder while doing it if he didn’t get it. I didn’t want it to get worse by refusing so I just done it. I felt I was living in constant fear of him threatening me, laying his hands on me or worse.
Near the start of the relationship, we had a day out but the night was awful, I remember it clearly which I wish I didn’t. That night, he r*ped me, I was begging for him to leave me alone but he didn’t. Afterwards, I was in tears, in the corner of the bed asking him why he’d do that, by this point his aggression hadn’t shown much so I was confused. I told him I had to call my mum, I wanted to leave, I wanted him away from me. He then went into this odd mood, he started threatening to kill himself, right there. He said it would be my fault, I had made him do it, no one would believe me and that all that would be known fully is he was dead. I panicked, I was terrified, I didn’t want someone to die even after what he did, I didn’t want blame. I begged him not to, he said he had to otherwise people would hate him and it was my fault for lying anyway, I was his girlfriend, he couldn’t r*pe me. I don’t know why, but I felt the whole event was my fault, I kept my mouth shut in fear it would be my fault for what happened and what he’d do to himself. I continued to stay quiet, I didn’t want to sleep with him again, but he made it seem like I was being childish, that I was being pathetic. I was also scared to say no again, he didn’t accept it the first time and he was now showing more aggression since that first time so I done it so he wouldn’t do worse.
He used to get extremely angry when I refused to try his kinks, he wanted a threesome or for me to be had by multiple people, when I refused he used to shout at me for kink shaming. When I wasn’t, I was saying I didn’t want to, not that it was wrong for people to enjoy that. He asked every (detail removed by Moderator) weeks for the last (detail removed by Moderator) years of the relationship, I was terrified to say no but I couldn’t let him take everything else from me to, but he was getting angrier every time I said no, he was beginning to throw things at me, grab me and scream in my face till I was in tears begging not to be hurt, he’d hurt my cat by kicking him, he threatened to cut himself since I wouldn’t do what he wanted. He also, on several occasions he threatened to kill himself, especially if I mentioned the way he was treating me and if I said I was unhappy.
After the r*pe that started off everything getting worse, controlling and terrified. I started to self harm (detail removed by Moderator). He didn’t care, he saw my cuts and would grab them when mad, I think he was counting on it sometimes so no one would ever know.
One time, I had too much, he was in my face belittling me, hurting me, telling me what I had to do with other people, he put us online to get another couple or a single person, I was at my end. I couldn’t do this, I didn’t want to do it. I decided I was going to end myself just so this nightmare would end, I tried, something in the back of my head was telling me not to do this, I tried again, and failed again. I couldn’t bring myself to let him take me to that point, to leave my family with no explanation. I have multiple scars to this day that are a constant reminder of what happened but also what I survived.
This wasn’t one or two occasions after the r*pe, it was constant. There wasn’t a week we didn’t have a fight of some kind. I don’t know if I was r*ped more than once as the rest of the times I slept with him I agreed out of fear.
I know I am fortunate never to have had any serious injuries from my situation, this I why I worry about my story, it feels difficult to say I’m a victim.
To this day my partner is the only one who knows as I didn’t want anyone to know but they could tell with the way I acted in the relationship start. It felt good to open up, not carry it alone anyway but that is the only person in my life that knows.
I feel as though I’m haunted by it, some days I feel awful inside knowing what happened, I blame myself to this day still and still feel fear even although I’m completely away from him and safe in my new home with my partner. I wonder if I should go and see if I do have a mild ptsd, but I always worry I’m overreacting.
Thanks for reading my experience, I’m sorry it’s all over the place I just got really nervous writing this.
5th July 2021 at 6:53 pm #128292CantmakedecisonsParticipant
Firstly, well done for writing the post! You clearly you have suffered terrible abuse and NO none of it was your fault. I’m so glad you’re in a loving relationship now but I would suggest some counselling to help you process the past experiences. This will only make your life loving forward more enjoyable.
It’s understanble that we bury things or blame ourselves for these men, we’re nice people so we can’t quite believe that someone who is suppose to love us can cause so much hurt and pain.
Why don’t you speak to your new partner about how your feeling? Maybe together you could find an appropriate person to speak to and that can help. The scars that are left need healing.
Sending hugs and peace x
5th July 2021 at 8:00 pm #128293
Thank you for your kind words, I want to try counselling but I’m anxious about it as I’ve no idea where to start. I really appreciate your response, I was very nervous about it and it was difficult to write it x
5th July 2021 at 8:19 pm #128294CantmakedecisonsParticipant
Don’t worry about where to start, it will be their job to help you find your words. With these types of conversations it’s difficult for anyone to know where to start. It may not be the first counsellor you find but you will find the right one.
All my advice is, to be honest about your feelings, having them validated is important and someone listening is surprisingly helpful.
5th July 2021 at 11:32 pm #128303
Thank you again, I will see about counselling I think, it seems like a good option for me.
5th July 2021 at 9:50 pm #128296nbumblebeeParticipant
I have an abusive past and am dealing with alot with my husband still hard to say its abuse anyway i self harm and recently (detail removed by moderator).
This was spotted and i was encouraged to seek counselling. My god it was hard not one other lerson knew about my past nor about the now but with help she managed to get me to talk. Ive been going every 2-3 weeks for a few months now and whilst its never easy and my goodness theres alot of mess to get through it helps it really does help. Be brave you are so brave already to have gotten out and found love again im still here sadly. But you must find that braveness again and reach out and talk to a counsellor. You so deserve to be free and live an amazing life you really deserve. Good luck xx
5th July 2021 at 11:26 pm #128301
I’m extremely sorry to hear that, I really hope you can get the help you need and are safe.
I’m really nervous about going to a professional about this but I do think it’s time for me to do that. Thank you.
6th July 2021 at 8:04 am #128312nbumblebeeParticipant
Just one more bit of courage is all you need to make that choice to go talk to someone and just think it could help change your life in such an amazing way. Be brave you got this. Good luck x
5th July 2021 at 10:51 pm #128299gettingtiredParticipant
Just wanted to say well done for being so brave and telling your story. Even though it’s anonymous here it really does still take courage!
I agree that it sounds like counselling could be helpful for you. I’ve recently started therapy and found the prospect of finding a counsellor really quite anxiety inducing and kept putting it off for that reason.
Personally I’ve had to seek out a private therapist as I haven’t been able to find any suitable therapy on the NHS or through a domestic abuse service or charity. It might be worth going to your GP first though to see if there’s anywhere they could refer you such as your local women’s aid who may offer counselling. Also Rape crisis have a live chat option on their website I believe.
I started by writing a brief email about my issues and the abusive relationship I’m in before sending this to counsellors whose profiles/info I liked the sound of. Most offer an initial consultation free of charge just to have a talk and for you to find out about their approach to therapy etc.
Sending the email first before calling took away my fear of having to tell them everything on the phone as I have a tendency to freeze up and struggle to talk over the phone/in person about difficult topics. Something I found quite interesting is that some counsellors offer ‘walk and talk’ therapy where you can literally meet them and go for a walk during your session. If I was going to have face to face counselling this is something I’d really like to do as I find the idea of sitting directly opposite someone in a room whilst talking about difficult subjects really scary! Equally, as most offer Skype sessions you don’t even need to find someone locally if you’re happy to speak to them via video link. Mine lives in another part of the country so I’ll never meet her in person but I’m ok with that x*x
5th July 2021 at 11:30 pm #128302
I am glad to hear you have taken the steps you needed as I completely relate to the anxiety of it being difficult. I do want to give counselling a go but the fear of anyone finding out and the nervous of opening up do get to me a lot.
Thank you for all the detail, I didn’t know those were an option, I’ll need to find out more.
I have emailed rape crisis but I wasn’t sure if I was in the right place, so I asked them for more details on their support.
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