I feel like such an idiot.

[Hereforclarity]

So just for context I left my controlling and emotionally abusive ex a while ago and there’s been a bit of a pattern of me leaving – him chasing/harassing/manipulating until we’re back together (I know I’m responsible for saying yes and believing the nonsense each time) so I don’t want to put the blame entirely on him for how long this has been going on. From reading others experiences on here it sounds like a fairly typical roller coaster.

To cut to the chase – he can be quite manipulative about weaponizing his mental health and trying to get others to feel overly-responsible for how he is… paired with my lack of boundaries (which I’m working on) you can probably imagine the rest.

So up until recently he was getting in touch nearly daily – some of it amicably, often not. A lot of the time he would try contact me when he was feeling low for emotional support and I would try to boundary it then he would reflect and say he wouldn’t try put pressure on me again when I asked him to stop… Then of course it would happen again. In hindsight it would be better to have not responded at all (but I find this really hard to do without feeling overwhelming guilt and anxiety).

A while went by without hearing anything from him and initially my thoughts were “finally – I can start to get some peace and clarity” and saw this as a positive thing. But because the silence was so out the blue and I had a very anxious day – I stupidly got thinking that something bigger was wrong… Either that or his silence meant something else ominous (Again I know this isn’t the smartest logic). In the past I noticed him going much quieter in times when I’d later find out he was smearing me to others.

So my anxiety got the better of me and I stupidly sent a check in text asking if he was OK? As I felt I was waiting in suspense of something happening? In a beat – I got a response that was along the lines of (removed by moderator).

I know none of you reading this will know what it was like in the relationship – so examples of what I thought was abusive; he would be very controlling, project and manipulate me to change my behaviour/clothes/how I acted. Would get angry about the smallest things and make our holidays/special occasions/birthdays miserable, had unbelievable double standards, extremely jealous and uncompromising. I think he would gaslight me but I’m still not sure if this was in my head.

So his response to me reaching out felt so projecting of his own behaviour… I think it’s confirmed that I need to try get more comfortable in the “peace” and no-contact and manage my anxiety so it doesn’t get funnelled into doing things like reaching out… I just feel like such an idiot. Like of course it was a terrible idea and maybe there’s a part of me I’m not willing to admit to myself that I just wanted to connect?

But what if he’s right and I’m the abusive one or just as bad as him? If he can’t seem to see any of his behaviour is a problem – maybe I’m blind to my own toxic behaviour too? Like he’s right – It is strange that I felt I should reach out… given I think he was emotionally abusive and wanting to move forward…

I sometimes reflect on my own responses in the relationship and I was really emotional when pushed to the edge – I shouted from time to time (which is very out of character for me) when things were relentless. I stayed in it way longer than I should have and was so confused about what I should have done…

Does anyone else get this conflicted and confused after a relationship like this?

I know this is a huge ramble but any tips people can share when they feel like getting in touch with their ex-partner to try stop these cycles would be really appreciated.

[orchid7]

Hi here for help. You are definitely not the crazy one. You are not the manipulative one. You are not the abuser. Anyone put under the conditions of what he creates would be doing very well to only scream and shout and be emotional from time to time. He is trying to get in your head. I think what I found most helpful was (1) full no contact. So completely blocking every avenue he could possibly contact you on. It’s hard because sometimes we underneath want them to contact. But if you close every channel you won’t know if he has even tried to contact you. It helped me feel a lot better. The less I knew about him or whether he tried to contact the better. Hard at first but once I noticed how much better I felt, it was easier to do.
(2) writing out that I do not want to hear from him because of intense love, it’s because of trauma bonding and cognitive dissonance and addiction (I.e abuse causes same chemicals as substance addiction, you are having a withdrawal, but from him – what would you do to overcome the withdrawal if it was a substance addiction? Apply that this. it really helped me to really look through the science of why my brain is longing for this rather than sitting in the emotions. (3) talk talk talk, may not feel like it’s helping but the more you speak or write on here the more people will interrupt those thoughts your having (4) it also helped me to think about a time where he was just consciously and obnoxiously nasty and evil; I journaled to get the anger going then by the time I had finished I was thinking f* you!

All the best look after yourself♥️♥️♥️ Hope this helps a little xxxx

[Hereforclarity]

Thank you. It’s so mind-bending when you receive messages which project exactly how I’m feeling and being on the receiving end of even more anger after the way he’s been treating me. I’m definitely not perfect but it seems like he thinks his patterns of behaviour are generally normal or at worst a bit eccentric or old-fashioned. It would make sense then for him to think my reactions were the problem.

Whenever I speak to friends (and I try to be as matter of fact and open as I can) they can’t believe what I had to endure in that relationship. It’s just so hard to sit with the reality when I can still hear his voice ringing in my head about how my friends weren’t reliable, how much I was exaggerating and in the end tried to convince me I had anger issues. He always made sure to let me know in some way that I never had a right to display anger towards him regardless of what he did (unless it was extreme/obvious *to him*).

You’re right – writing things down and posting on here does help and I hope the fog will start to lift a bit more… I guess there’s probably two paths to take and both include loss. It feels like choosing between keeping my head in the sand and not accepting the truth and losing more of myself in the process… Or accepting what happened and who this person is in their entirety and that they were abusive and lose them/the idea of what it all meant. It’s no brainer isn’t it really? I wish it felt as emotionally straight forward.

Thank you again for replying to my post and I really appreciate your kind words, tips and generosity of sharing your experience too. I hope you’re doing better since leaving your situation and I’ll carry on finding ways to interrupt the more intrusive unhelpful thoughts.

x*x

[Lisa]

Hi Hereforclarity,

Welcome to the forum. It seems you have just started posting. I’m sure you’ll find this a safe and supportive place to express what you are going through.
I can see Orchid7 has already offered very insightful and useful advice around your struggle to break contact and all that entails. It’s complicated, with many conflicting emotions involved.

For extra support, perhaps it will be useful to speak to Supportline, who offer confidential emotional support by telephone, email and post. They work with callers to develop healthy, positive coping strategies, an inner feeling of strength and increased self-esteem to encourage healing, recovery and moving forward with life. They also keep details of counsellors, agencies and support groups throughout the UK. They cover a wide range of issues, including domestic abuse. They can also refer locally. You can contact them on 01708 765200.

You may also find The Freedom Programme useful. It is an 11 or 12 week rolling programme which provides information about male violence to women. This programme identifies the tactics abusers use, the beliefs held by abusers, and the effects that domestic abuse can have on women and children. The Freedom Programme is for women who have experience of domestic abuse, be it in their personal or professional lives. You can start the programme at any time, and you can attend as many or as few sessions as you choose. Each session is entirely confidential, and you can contribute as much, or as little, of your own thoughts and experiences as you like. Many women find this a very useful support group as it is available to women whether they are experiencing current or past abuse. The Freedom Programme is run in many locations across the UK.

The important thing to know is you are not alone in the way you are feeling and it’s a natural response to abuse by the very last person you would expect it from. Keep posting to let us know how you are.

Take care,

Lisa

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